Poll Does Your Family Neglect You Emotionally?

[blackemerald1]

Hi everyone, I read the thread and almost all that was said I can relate to. I never get a call or visit from my family or my six siblings. If I want to speak to any of them I must reach out. I am not allowed to stay at any of their homes for a visit because as my mother put it, "We just didn't realise how sick you are!" So this got around to my siblings and they do not want to fall out of favour with my mother or father so none can offer me a bed for a night or two.

My son, whom I have raised alone has turned into a bully, is so insensitive and insulting when he speaks to me. Our lease is finished in March and we had a fight tonight which is where he tells me I am mental, paranoid, useless and the list goes on. I cannot sign the new lease, but I have to find a place to live as I cannot afford the rent on my own but I also cannot afford to keep living with even my own son who knows I have PTSD etc.. He is so emotionally distant,abusive and judgemental.

So I fit into the category of not having any emotional connection at all with my family. They are never in my life. I have come to expect that they never will be so. They cannot cope with the crimes that were committed against me.

I was always the black sheep in the family. The only people I can relate to are my therapists and my doctors which is pathetic really. No one else knows the hell I live with in my head, every day and every night. I have no social life as I am too frightened of being hurt. All my friends deserted me when I became ill.

Anyway that is my thoughts on the matter, so it is so negative but it is hard to not be when I have always been there to help my parents, brothers and sisters when they needed help. Short memories, that hurts too.

 

[Philippa]

I can't say that my father didn't make a huge effort to contact me and come and see me regularly, but by then he had already messed me up so much and hurt me,, and caused me damage just by his own damage, that I didn't want him around me, or contacting me! It was a very hard thing to say to his face too. He had no idea he'd even hurt me, and nothing I said could make him realise it, or want to look.

My mother on the other hand, has always buried her head in the sand, like an ostrich, when things got really hard. When I became ill, she didn't believe me. She thought I was faking it to get out of finding a job!! She has always invalidated me when I was upset, distressed or otherwise sad. If I wasn't happy, as she thought I should be, then I must have been exaggerating or faking it, because in her mind I had nothing to be sad about, upset over or unhappy about. She will not admit to doing this of course, but it's gone on my whole life.

I don't even want to hear from her, even though she is giving ME the silent treatment for getting angry at her the last time we communicated, after yet again, making promises she had no intention of keeping, getting my hopes up only to find out it was all a lie. It's her favorite game, and I'm done playing with her. I won't be crawling back to her for forgiveness this time, like I did in the past. She'd go for weeks pretending I wasn't even there, when we'd fight, and I'd be expected to literally beg for her to acknowledge me again, if I wanted her to speak or even look at me. She has no idea the hurt she has caused over the years, but she thinks I'm the one with the problem...and I am...and the problem stems from the way she has treated me my whole life.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

I think that part of the problem my family had is that they don't know what to do with me. I used to be a fun out going person that could have a good time almost anywhere. now I don't go out too much and shy away from crowds and load places, they I'm not really able to go have any fun with them. It also makes it to where I have nothing to talk about because I don't have a life. I they're not dodging me, I'm dodging them anyways. I keep the conversations really short so I don't make the mistake of openning up about anything. I guess this thing has to be experienced to understand. Even then, It's a little different for everybody. I also have a problem in conversations because everything elicits an emotional response these days. I know that's chased a few family members away.

 

[badream]

My Family was fractured by violence when I was a young girl. I had no Mother nor Father while growing up. I was raised by who I call *the people of the lie*. My Sons were taken from me by their abusive Father when they were young, and thus ...the beat goes on. I do have a step-son . I call him the escapee. He ran away and escaped the violence and dysfunction as a teen. His house, is the first place I ran to when the s$^& hit the fan. I am always welcome in his home, and his children call me Nana.

As of this writing, I am not able to contact them, nor see them. I miss them very very much.

Now that I am ageing, I see my peers supporting their adult children and the adult children supporting their ageing parent. It saddens my heart, that I cannot have the Christmas, the Birthday Party's , The "normal" I see in the family systems that others have. It is, my hearts greatest desire, to have time alone with my newest Granddaughter and I cannot. I can have supervised arranged visits with her, where what I say and where we meet are controlled by others. I pray for the day, I can pick her up for an outing without supervision. The time will come, as I do have the advantage of age KNOWING they will come to me one day, and ask their Grandmother who she is. For now, I give them the gift of memory.

They have seen their Grandmother arrive on a Red Harley Davidson. I have taught them songs to sing that will remind them of not only who I am, but who they are too in my native language.

 

[Changing4Best]

WOW! A lot of responces here since only this morning, I am glad I started this poll. How much we all seem to have in common, even though the details are different.

I feel for ALL OF YOU! Hang in there.

I found a website that helps me a lot, it is:

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

And DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Dialectical has to do with dialects and speach. This kind of therapy is very helpful for folks who have PTSD. Check out the instant mindfulness catagory especially. These videos are very calming. Enjoy!

 

[saffy]

That card will give me an hour on the horn with her.

That is great sheila, it will help a lot, and she could always ring you back if you run out of credit :) It is so easy to get out of a contact routine, especially if some thing changes that like your course :) It sounds like you are back on the road to being closer again. So pleased for you :)

It's her favorite game, and I'm done playing with her.

I can relate to that. When my therapist ask me if I thought my mother was manipulative, it was like a light bulb coming on, yes she bloody was, but it was the first time I had realised that. It was such a relief because I had gone through years of blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me or why I did not know myself at all.

I am glad you are stronger and wiser now to stop playing her games. :)

I also have a problem in conversations because everything elicits an emotional response these days

It is so hard to open up sometimes, especially with family.

I have this problem, my head reels with confusion: if I open up too much it will fry them and put them on the spot; If I do not it keeps them distant as if they were just casual friends you just say hello too; If I do will I get the support I expect from family or will they run a mile or tell me I am stupid; if I do not they will think everything is fine as I seem so rosey all the time.?

It is a bit like a catch 22 situation isn't it. I can understand what you are saying totally. How long do you keep up this pretence?

Well that is something that I suppose everyone has to deal with to make a final decision.

For me I new what ever I said they would laugh it off and tell me I was wrong and stupid for feeling/thinking like this. I new I would not get any emotional support so I do not waste my time and energy worrying about trying to get them to understand. I disowned them because they were more of a trigger than a help.

And DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Thanks for the link Sheila I will certainly check it out :)

I pray for the day, I can pick her up for an outing without supervision.

It will come, In the meantime enjoy every breathe you get when you are with her and pretend no one else is in the room. :)

For now, I give them the gift of memory

That is priceless and can not be taken away or supervised ;)

Best wishes and hugs to anyone who needs it today :)

Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

Yes, my mother is insanely manipulative as well, though she would have you think that I'm the manipulative one. Truth being, we can all be manipulative at times, but I am aware enough to know when I am being manipulative, and it is rarely when I am accused of being so. Usually she is the one being manipulative and projects it onto me.

 

[saffy]

Yep I can certainly relate to that Phillipa in every way :)

When I realised this with mine I was relieved at knowing that I am not bad at all, in fact I was arguing because I would not let her manipulate me (even though I did not realise this was the problem at the time) this caused the beatings but I can also say I must have been stronger and more morally inept than her too.

That certainly makes us the good people, doesn't it? ;)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

It certainly does.

I'm sorry you got beaten for it though...that's terrible.:(

My mother never resorted to violence of that kind, but she sure tried her best to trick me psychologically into taking the blame for her own shit. Thankfully I am quite an insightful person, and I intuited projection and what it is before I even knew there was a psychological term for it...so I never got caught up in thinking it was me...I knew it was her all along, except maybe when I was very young and had not realised it yet.

I got progressively better at standing up to her and letting her know I wasn't taking on her bullshit. She didn't like that of course, and slowly the pictures of me on the mantle piece in her home began to fade in number, and the pictures of my brothers increased in number. Her childish way of fading me out of her life. She got her wish.

It still hurts to remember this rejection from her...but really, she did me a favor. I don't want people like her anywhere near me.

 

[saffy]

Oh it was not my mother who did the beating it was my stepfather, based on her manipulations and my not falling for it, she would then manipulate the situation as if I had treated her terribly and unfair and was horrible and he would then beat the crap out of me for it. So I could not win either way. IF I stood up to her I would get a beating from him and she would sit there all hard done by and look like the innocent one.

He was a control freak bully who fell for everything she said. She would sit in the kitchen reading her book while he did it.

She hit me when I was smaller and would not hit back. Then one day when I was about 15 she lashed out and hit me and I flipped and laid into her. I am afraid I had had enough by then. The problem was that I used to think it was him and not her manipulations, so never wanted to hit her.

I use to fight him back all the time but I could only do so much to a fully grown man. I did make sure I spread the blood far and wide for her to clean up though. She hated her show home to get dirty ;)

I never realised what they were until I was about 42 years of age so up till then I thought it was just all my fault but couldnt actually understand what I had done wrong. If that makes sense.

Having nobody to turn to as a child makes you build a bloody thick wall around you and you learn not to trust anyone or have faith in anyone. Nobody stepped in or did anything either which reinforced their accusations that I was not worth anything and was the one to blame which was why no one wanted to help.

I hate them as people for what they did/ have done, and despise them as parents because they were crap at it. :)

Which I suppose is why I was so triggered if anywhere near them. It took great strength to be 'nice' to them for the sake of my own children. (another story)

Like you they did me a favour too, I certainly do not like manipulative people or bullies now. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

That's horrible. They don't deserve to be parents.

 

[Changing4Best]

It still hurts to remember this rejection from her...but really, she did me a favor. I don't want people like her anywhere near me.

I can relate. I have not called my niece since we had the disagreement about her wanting me to go into a nursing home. I told her I had no intention of doing so and have not heard from her since.

I vowed to myself to keep it short and sweet if she does call me, but so far I have not had to deal with her yet, thankfully. I have an idea that she may not call me anymore, but then, she is so busy that she just might be waiting for a vacation from her teaching job or something. We shall see...