hi everyone,
I got to know this website because I just read the book Complex PTSD: From survive to thrive. I want to tell you the story of my childhood, and I wish speaking out these things can heal me a bit. I was left behind by my parents when I was 6 years old. They decided to move to another city for a job. My elder sister and me were sent to our uncle's family at first, we spent several months there. They treated us well. But soon they got conflicts on money so my grandfather came and took us away. My grandfather lived in a quite poor village, it was like a medieval town with mountains around.
My grandfather was alcoholic and a confirmed gambler, he always got mad when he came back home. But he could still turn angry even nothing went wrong, I used to see him scolding the sky, saying how hard life was and how unfairly life had treated him. And he worked as a
stonemason. I was beaten a lot in that old house, I really tried to find the reason," Is it because I am not cute?" " Is it because I am not a girl?" " Is it because I am not collecting enough wood?" I was so confused that he always hated me. For so many times, when I got injured or bullied outside, I came to him for comforts, but always, he looked at me with that resentful, contemptuous and angry face, "You deserved it! You mo** F**k bi***!". And I finally gave up on any attempts for his empathy.
My grandmother cared about me, she was the only one here standing for my basic needs for food, comfort and safety. But she was weak, she bore as much abuse as I did, and she never fought back. I remember there was a day when she was cooking for the whole family, two adults and for small kids, my grandfather came into the kitchen and hit her head with a heavy iron bar. I saw her bleeding, my loved grandmother, but I could do nothing. She could not protect herself, not to say protecting me. I desperately wanted to leave that family. I did try to kill myself when I was 9 or 10, I stared at the river under the bridge, felt a great horror imagining what could it be when I was drowning. But I gave up on suiciding as I was fearful for death and felt a great indignant, "It's not fair at all, I must have a brighter future, I must leave!"
I finally got to leave that family as I was near 11 years old, my parents thought what was important for me at that time was education, so they came back and took us home. We were nearly strangers to each other after 5 years separation. They stayed at home for about half a year and decided to go back to work, and I was left behind again. This time they didn't find me a caregiver, in their eyes, I supposed to take care of myself at that age. I experienced much loneliness, illness, desperateness, abandonment, bullying, hunger and even near-death. My elder sister was in a boarding school that time, so she could barely take care of me, and she was also just 2 years older than me, I guess she just felt as lonely as me.
I become feminine in my grandfather's family, I tried to act like a small girl so that he wouldn't beat me. This didn't work at all, but that was the only excuse I could find for myself. But being feminine got me lots of trouble. Most boys in school found me different from them, and my parents are constantly absent. At first, it was someone who always laughed at me, then they grouped to a troop of tricking. My resistance was futile, I was too dystrophic to fight back. Finally, boys of the whole area got to know that there was a Nancy Boy without parents' protection. I could even be spit on the face by boys so much younger than me whom I barely met before. Things didn't get better in the local boarding middle school as all the boys knew me, they became even more atrocious after they grew stronger and united as gangs. I felt so shameful by the teasing and physical violence from almost every boy around me that I slapped at myself ruthlessly so many times, trying to convince myself that I deserve all the unfairness as I was so weak. The dormitory staff——an old, greedy man coined every rule he could to drain me of my money: 5 cents for voice and sound in sleep time, 10 cents for an unfolded quilt.......He and the gang's growing need for protection fee cleared my wallets, I could hardly eat enough. But when it came to the violence in the dormitory, he pretended that he was blind and deaf.
I felt a desperate need to study well and leave that school, although I also got some friends there. The girls who didn't know my past and experiences in the dark side of school, still, they tried to cheer me up and gave me some comforts. For me, that was the only light I could see except from books. I finally got to be in high school with great grades, and after that, my life was almost stuck in studying.
Now I am 26, just resigned from a company. I felt so all the same as in that office with harsh evaluating and contemptuous face from my supervisor as in my grandfather's family. I constantly felt I would be fired by the boss just like I was destinedly abandoned by my parents and all the caregivers I used to have. I couldn't speak out fluently as my throat got so tight when I was criticized. And I felt every small mistake sucked my energy away and pushed me into the abyss of imperfection. I thought that every colleague around hated me and hoped that this incompetent weirdo could resign as soon as possible. I could not sleep or eat well as I got so strong flashbacks inside. I was also so afraid that I was not strong enough to earn money that my lover will leave me. Finally, I resigned and stayed in home with my lover for 3 months. In this time, I read several books about self-recovering, I tried to find a therapist but I cannot afford the money of psychotherapy. So I am here.
The same situation happened several times before. Once it's because my first lover told me that he went whoring, I felt like he changed to be a such bad man that all my love given to him was wasted. I also felt so desperate that he chose a whore instead of me. Another such heavy flashback came to me when I finished my college and went to help my parents' farm business. I was so upset that my mom always criticized me about almost everything I did. Even I prepared every meal for them and did so many heavy work. And I was deprived of sleep as I needed to get up so early to reap the vegetables in the desert land. I got no friend there and the internet was bad. I finally got persecution mania like I always thought my mother wanted to kill me with knife or boiling water. I was so upset that the mother I've been wanting for since I was 6 didn't love me at all. Even, that was the few time we could live together. In the 20 years my parents went out for work, we didn't stay together more than one year.
Now I realize that how traumatized I am, I cannot pretend that everything is OK and I am OK. I'm not OK as a survivor and I will not pretend I'm OK to soothe my parents' panic for life. I want to change myself, I want to live like a human, yes, like the word, "from survive to thrive". And I really need someone to help me.
I got to know this website because I just read the book Complex PTSD: From survive to thrive. I want to tell you the story of my childhood, and I wish speaking out these things can heal me a bit. I was left behind by my parents when I was 6 years old. They decided to move to another city for a job. My elder sister and me were sent to our uncle's family at first, we spent several months there. They treated us well. But soon they got conflicts on money so my grandfather came and took us away. My grandfather lived in a quite poor village, it was like a medieval town with mountains around.
My grandfather was alcoholic and a confirmed gambler, he always got mad when he came back home. But he could still turn angry even nothing went wrong, I used to see him scolding the sky, saying how hard life was and how unfairly life had treated him. And he worked as a
stonemason. I was beaten a lot in that old house, I really tried to find the reason," Is it because I am not cute?" " Is it because I am not a girl?" " Is it because I am not collecting enough wood?" I was so confused that he always hated me. For so many times, when I got injured or bullied outside, I came to him for comforts, but always, he looked at me with that resentful, contemptuous and angry face, "You deserved it! You mo** F**k bi***!". And I finally gave up on any attempts for his empathy.
My grandmother cared about me, she was the only one here standing for my basic needs for food, comfort and safety. But she was weak, she bore as much abuse as I did, and she never fought back. I remember there was a day when she was cooking for the whole family, two adults and for small kids, my grandfather came into the kitchen and hit her head with a heavy iron bar. I saw her bleeding, my loved grandmother, but I could do nothing. She could not protect herself, not to say protecting me. I desperately wanted to leave that family. I did try to kill myself when I was 9 or 10, I stared at the river under the bridge, felt a great horror imagining what could it be when I was drowning. But I gave up on suiciding as I was fearful for death and felt a great indignant, "It's not fair at all, I must have a brighter future, I must leave!"
I finally got to leave that family as I was near 11 years old, my parents thought what was important for me at that time was education, so they came back and took us home. We were nearly strangers to each other after 5 years separation. They stayed at home for about half a year and decided to go back to work, and I was left behind again. This time they didn't find me a caregiver, in their eyes, I supposed to take care of myself at that age. I experienced much loneliness, illness, desperateness, abandonment, bullying, hunger and even near-death. My elder sister was in a boarding school that time, so she could barely take care of me, and she was also just 2 years older than me, I guess she just felt as lonely as me.
I become feminine in my grandfather's family, I tried to act like a small girl so that he wouldn't beat me. This didn't work at all, but that was the only excuse I could find for myself. But being feminine got me lots of trouble. Most boys in school found me different from them, and my parents are constantly absent. At first, it was someone who always laughed at me, then they grouped to a troop of tricking. My resistance was futile, I was too dystrophic to fight back. Finally, boys of the whole area got to know that there was a Nancy Boy without parents' protection. I could even be spit on the face by boys so much younger than me whom I barely met before. Things didn't get better in the local boarding middle school as all the boys knew me, they became even more atrocious after they grew stronger and united as gangs. I felt so shameful by the teasing and physical violence from almost every boy around me that I slapped at myself ruthlessly so many times, trying to convince myself that I deserve all the unfairness as I was so weak. The dormitory staff——an old, greedy man coined every rule he could to drain me of my money: 5 cents for voice and sound in sleep time, 10 cents for an unfolded quilt.......He and the gang's growing need for protection fee cleared my wallets, I could hardly eat enough. But when it came to the violence in the dormitory, he pretended that he was blind and deaf.
I felt a desperate need to study well and leave that school, although I also got some friends there. The girls who didn't know my past and experiences in the dark side of school, still, they tried to cheer me up and gave me some comforts. For me, that was the only light I could see except from books. I finally got to be in high school with great grades, and after that, my life was almost stuck in studying.
Now I am 26, just resigned from a company. I felt so all the same as in that office with harsh evaluating and contemptuous face from my supervisor as in my grandfather's family. I constantly felt I would be fired by the boss just like I was destinedly abandoned by my parents and all the caregivers I used to have. I couldn't speak out fluently as my throat got so tight when I was criticized. And I felt every small mistake sucked my energy away and pushed me into the abyss of imperfection. I thought that every colleague around hated me and hoped that this incompetent weirdo could resign as soon as possible. I could not sleep or eat well as I got so strong flashbacks inside. I was also so afraid that I was not strong enough to earn money that my lover will leave me. Finally, I resigned and stayed in home with my lover for 3 months. In this time, I read several books about self-recovering, I tried to find a therapist but I cannot afford the money of psychotherapy. So I am here.
The same situation happened several times before. Once it's because my first lover told me that he went whoring, I felt like he changed to be a such bad man that all my love given to him was wasted. I also felt so desperate that he chose a whore instead of me. Another such heavy flashback came to me when I finished my college and went to help my parents' farm business. I was so upset that my mom always criticized me about almost everything I did. Even I prepared every meal for them and did so many heavy work. And I was deprived of sleep as I needed to get up so early to reap the vegetables in the desert land. I got no friend there and the internet was bad. I finally got persecution mania like I always thought my mother wanted to kill me with knife or boiling water. I was so upset that the mother I've been wanting for since I was 6 didn't love me at all. Even, that was the few time we could live together. In the 20 years my parents went out for work, we didn't stay together more than one year.
Now I realize that how traumatized I am, I cannot pretend that everything is OK and I am OK. I'm not OK as a survivor and I will not pretend I'm OK to soothe my parents' panic for life. I want to change myself, I want to live like a human, yes, like the word, "from survive to thrive". And I really need someone to help me.
