C was my first everything. I was very naive and innocent in some ways. I trusted him. He was so cunning and he told me everything that I wanted to hear. I believed him. Who knows maybe he did love me at the time in his own sick and warped way... It doesn't really matter. It was perfect for the first 4-6 months I'd say. I had fallen in love with him and he knew it.
He started to get really controlling though. I didn't pay any mind to it though because I loved him so much. After awhile the controlling just became progressively worse. He would tell me what I can and cannot say or do or think or dress and if I didn't do these to his liking he would ridicule me. It got to the point where he would bring up my childhood and would throw it in my face. Like it was my fault. He said I was a screw up from a sick and f*cked up family. He would throw my dad into the equation just a bunch of sh*t he shouldn't throw at my face. (You don't do that to someone who has been hurt. Hell, you don't do it to anyone... You just don't. Inside all people is an inner child. Some are happy some are sad and scared. You don't bring up one's childhood to use it against them especially when it is painful. That child (my inner child) was so afraid and hurt by what he did. [If this makes no sense I am sorry. It is all true though]). That hurt sooo bad I can't even explain. I was just scum. Then he would turn around and awhile later apologize and beg for forgiveness and for me not to leave. He swore he would change. And he did, for awhile, sometimes for a couple weeks sometimes for a month or so. He would be the guy I had fallen in love with. It would be like nothing had changed. I stayed for those moments. I put blinders on I think. I was in such denial. I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad.
It went from verbal and mental abuse to physical. He would grab me and throw me into walls or pin me on the bed or wherever he wanted to really. He would drag me by my hair. I think the one time I really thought, "Sh*t, I should have left. I am going to die. He is going to kill me..." was when he had me pinned on the floor and had his hands wrapped around my throat. He was choking me and I couldn't breathe. I started to blackout and he must have realized what he was doing because he jumped up and was wigging out asking for me to forgive him. I just stayed lying there on the floor. I was in total shock. If I said I wouldn't forgive him or retaliated at all the abuse would resume so saying "Yes C I forgive you" was the best option. There were other physical things but you get the picture. I think he liked the control. It was all about control. He had a narcissistic personality and he was very manipulative.
I would have taken the physical stuff over the verbal or mental abuse any day though. I mean, none of it was fun but the verbal and mental abuse really took its toll. He would tell me things like I wasn't really that pretty and that I was too wide in the hips, then I was skinny, too skinny, then I was beautiful. "Wow Chantel, you are a f*cking stupid sh*t for thinking you are ugly. Don't you know you are gorgeous?" he would say. He would constantly play mind games. It got to the point where I was walking on egg shells around him because I was so scared of what would set him off. It could be a slight smile at the wrong time or a shirt I was wearing he didn't think fit his mood.
I honestly cannot explain the way he manipulated my mind. He would tell me something and then if I didn't listen to what he told me I would "pay". It was so confusing because once I listened to what it was he wanted to tell me or convince me of, he would turn around and say that I was making it all up and that he would NEVER have said that... I would argue and say, "Yes, you JUST told me this." Well, arguing made him mad and then it just made it all worse in some way or another. So, I started to believe that he really didn't tell me that and that I actually WAS just making it all up. He convinced me I was crazy. The threats, physical pain and abuse, emotional/mental/spiritual abuse and mind control (almost like brainwashing), and sexual violence (more r*pes than I care to think about) and then the loving nature and wonderful treatment after the abuses and the confusion it brought on really all just contributed to making me feel insane. Literally. This cycle of telling me something or doing something to me and then convincing me that he didn't do it (or that I was just misconstruing the details and exaggerating what did happen into something it was not) was not just a one or two time thing. It happened multiple times in a day sometimes; followed by him acting loving and nice towards me and him saying that I was crazy for thinking he didn't love me or for thinking that he was EVER bad to me. How could I think he was bad to me? Was I nuts? I must indeed be nuts for thinking such a thing... OR instead of him showing love after these mind-invasions he would coerce me into believing him by physical abuse or intimidation. It made me go into a dissociative state. Everything got really foggy and I kind of just spaced out... I never knew what to expect with him. He kept me guessing. I was always on the defensive. It was terrorizing but I learned to sort of "blank out" while it was happening. And the sick part was was that I ACTUALLY believed it was MY fault he did these things and that I did something to cause him to do all of this. I think deep down I knew but I just so badly wanted it to be normal and alright?...
((((Sorry if you don't agree with it... I know it is gray area r*pe... If it even is r*pe. I was told by some people on I know that are all survivors of SA and DV that this is r*pe because similar things happened to them but my best friend said this was just sex and it is not r*pe because sometimes her hubby wants sex and she doesn't really want to but she does anyway... The difference is, her hubby didn't abuse her into compliance like C did with me... I felt almost coerced... I don't know I can't explain it... Sorry. Maybe it wasn't r*pe... Now I just feel dirty and sick.))))
About the r*pes... I just recently realized that they were even r*pe. You see, it would usually start out with a barrage of verbal, emotional, and mental attacks and then the physical stuff. Usually I would be mad and I would even sometimes fight back a little but that didn't end up well. Long story short, after he was done roughing me up a bit he wanted to day he was sorry and wanted to have sex... I obviously didn't want to have sex with him. For one, I was p*ssed at him for the things he said and did and I would feel in pain depending what he had done to me... BUT, I never really resisted. I just thought, "it's my duty do have sex with him..." he knew I didn't want to. My body language and facial expressions told that I was NOT into it... And, sometimes I even groaned and sighed to tell him I wasn't interested... I honestly was kind of scared to straight up say 'no' because I didn't want him to be super mad at me again and scream and berate me and push me around... I guess I just 'spaced out' while we were having sex. I know he knew I didn't want to. I mean, what person honestly would want to have sex after having done to them what he did? He could tell that 'I wasn't fully present' during sex and could have stopped to ask me what was wrong or if I was ok. I can't imagine how he wouldn't have noticed... I just think he didn't care. He didn't care enough to not hurt me in every other way why would he care if I wasn't really enjoying the sex like he was?
He knew how to twist his words to make you think sh*t smelt like roses. He was one way in front of people, calm, collected, nice, and loving towards me. Once we got in closed door the facade came down and he was his real self. He got me to believe that it was my fault. I honestly believed I did everything to cause this. If I just hadn't of said that or worn this or looked at him that way he wouldn't have had a reason to do what he did. It was my fault. It IS my fault.
I was brainwashed. It was like a spell I was under I swear. Once I was gone and away from him for a few months I saw how wrong it was and how toxic it all was. I hadn't been eating. I was down to 95 lbs because I was so nervous all the time. I still am little but not that little.
******TRIGGER WARNING*******
C also r*ped me. An*lly. Uuuugh. ***Details*** We were fooling around and were getting ready to have sex. He asked me if I wanted to do an*l. (We had tried to once before and I didn't really like it and I just didn't want to do it at this time)... So, I said, "No not this time either, someday I will do it with you but I just want to have regular sex."
So, we start having sex. He was behind me. He pulled out for a second or two and I was confused and then he just shoved it inside of me pretty much dry without any lubrication at all. I screamed. It hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe very easily due to the pain. I managed to ask why he did that. He said he accidentally "slipped". So after it was over I went to the bathroom. There was blood. For like a week after there was blood. *************END DETAILS*********** Sorry, I am embarrassed.. Maybe I shouldn't have shared this part... But, it is part of my story...
I don't think anyone will be understand this or what I went through or why I did the things I did and stayed if they haven't been in it themselves...
I still am fearful I will be judged for acting the way I did and for staying... for that, maybe I did deserve what happened because I was stupid enough to stay because I was so controlled and warped... When he r*ped me I would go into a dissociative state so I didn't really do anything about it... I just freakin' laid there... :'( Sigh *sobs*
He started to get really controlling though. I didn't pay any mind to it though because I loved him so much. After awhile the controlling just became progressively worse. He would tell me what I can and cannot say or do or think or dress and if I didn't do these to his liking he would ridicule me. It got to the point where he would bring up my childhood and would throw it in my face. Like it was my fault. He said I was a screw up from a sick and f*cked up family. He would throw my dad into the equation just a bunch of sh*t he shouldn't throw at my face. (You don't do that to someone who has been hurt. Hell, you don't do it to anyone... You just don't. Inside all people is an inner child. Some are happy some are sad and scared. You don't bring up one's childhood to use it against them especially when it is painful. That child (my inner child) was so afraid and hurt by what he did. [If this makes no sense I am sorry. It is all true though]). That hurt sooo bad I can't even explain. I was just scum. Then he would turn around and awhile later apologize and beg for forgiveness and for me not to leave. He swore he would change. And he did, for awhile, sometimes for a couple weeks sometimes for a month or so. He would be the guy I had fallen in love with. It would be like nothing had changed. I stayed for those moments. I put blinders on I think. I was in such denial. I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad.
It went from verbal and mental abuse to physical. He would grab me and throw me into walls or pin me on the bed or wherever he wanted to really. He would drag me by my hair. I think the one time I really thought, "Sh*t, I should have left. I am going to die. He is going to kill me..." was when he had me pinned on the floor and had his hands wrapped around my throat. He was choking me and I couldn't breathe. I started to blackout and he must have realized what he was doing because he jumped up and was wigging out asking for me to forgive him. I just stayed lying there on the floor. I was in total shock. If I said I wouldn't forgive him or retaliated at all the abuse would resume so saying "Yes C I forgive you" was the best option. There were other physical things but you get the picture. I think he liked the control. It was all about control. He had a narcissistic personality and he was very manipulative.
I would have taken the physical stuff over the verbal or mental abuse any day though. I mean, none of it was fun but the verbal and mental abuse really took its toll. He would tell me things like I wasn't really that pretty and that I was too wide in the hips, then I was skinny, too skinny, then I was beautiful. "Wow Chantel, you are a f*cking stupid sh*t for thinking you are ugly. Don't you know you are gorgeous?" he would say. He would constantly play mind games. It got to the point where I was walking on egg shells around him because I was so scared of what would set him off. It could be a slight smile at the wrong time or a shirt I was wearing he didn't think fit his mood.
I honestly cannot explain the way he manipulated my mind. He would tell me something and then if I didn't listen to what he told me I would "pay". It was so confusing because once I listened to what it was he wanted to tell me or convince me of, he would turn around and say that I was making it all up and that he would NEVER have said that... I would argue and say, "Yes, you JUST told me this." Well, arguing made him mad and then it just made it all worse in some way or another. So, I started to believe that he really didn't tell me that and that I actually WAS just making it all up. He convinced me I was crazy. The threats, physical pain and abuse, emotional/mental/spiritual abuse and mind control (almost like brainwashing), and sexual violence (more r*pes than I care to think about) and then the loving nature and wonderful treatment after the abuses and the confusion it brought on really all just contributed to making me feel insane. Literally. This cycle of telling me something or doing something to me and then convincing me that he didn't do it (or that I was just misconstruing the details and exaggerating what did happen into something it was not) was not just a one or two time thing. It happened multiple times in a day sometimes; followed by him acting loving and nice towards me and him saying that I was crazy for thinking he didn't love me or for thinking that he was EVER bad to me. How could I think he was bad to me? Was I nuts? I must indeed be nuts for thinking such a thing... OR instead of him showing love after these mind-invasions he would coerce me into believing him by physical abuse or intimidation. It made me go into a dissociative state. Everything got really foggy and I kind of just spaced out... I never knew what to expect with him. He kept me guessing. I was always on the defensive. It was terrorizing but I learned to sort of "blank out" while it was happening. And the sick part was was that I ACTUALLY believed it was MY fault he did these things and that I did something to cause him to do all of this. I think deep down I knew but I just so badly wanted it to be normal and alright?...
((((Sorry if you don't agree with it... I know it is gray area r*pe... If it even is r*pe. I was told by some people on I know that are all survivors of SA and DV that this is r*pe because similar things happened to them but my best friend said this was just sex and it is not r*pe because sometimes her hubby wants sex and she doesn't really want to but she does anyway... The difference is, her hubby didn't abuse her into compliance like C did with me... I felt almost coerced... I don't know I can't explain it... Sorry. Maybe it wasn't r*pe... Now I just feel dirty and sick.))))
About the r*pes... I just recently realized that they were even r*pe. You see, it would usually start out with a barrage of verbal, emotional, and mental attacks and then the physical stuff. Usually I would be mad and I would even sometimes fight back a little but that didn't end up well. Long story short, after he was done roughing me up a bit he wanted to day he was sorry and wanted to have sex... I obviously didn't want to have sex with him. For one, I was p*ssed at him for the things he said and did and I would feel in pain depending what he had done to me... BUT, I never really resisted. I just thought, "it's my duty do have sex with him..." he knew I didn't want to. My body language and facial expressions told that I was NOT into it... And, sometimes I even groaned and sighed to tell him I wasn't interested... I honestly was kind of scared to straight up say 'no' because I didn't want him to be super mad at me again and scream and berate me and push me around... I guess I just 'spaced out' while we were having sex. I know he knew I didn't want to. I mean, what person honestly would want to have sex after having done to them what he did? He could tell that 'I wasn't fully present' during sex and could have stopped to ask me what was wrong or if I was ok. I can't imagine how he wouldn't have noticed... I just think he didn't care. He didn't care enough to not hurt me in every other way why would he care if I wasn't really enjoying the sex like he was?
He knew how to twist his words to make you think sh*t smelt like roses. He was one way in front of people, calm, collected, nice, and loving towards me. Once we got in closed door the facade came down and he was his real self. He got me to believe that it was my fault. I honestly believed I did everything to cause this. If I just hadn't of said that or worn this or looked at him that way he wouldn't have had a reason to do what he did. It was my fault. It IS my fault.
I was brainwashed. It was like a spell I was under I swear. Once I was gone and away from him for a few months I saw how wrong it was and how toxic it all was. I hadn't been eating. I was down to 95 lbs because I was so nervous all the time. I still am little but not that little.
******TRIGGER WARNING*******
C also r*ped me. An*lly. Uuuugh. ***Details*** We were fooling around and were getting ready to have sex. He asked me if I wanted to do an*l. (We had tried to once before and I didn't really like it and I just didn't want to do it at this time)... So, I said, "No not this time either, someday I will do it with you but I just want to have regular sex."
So, we start having sex. He was behind me. He pulled out for a second or two and I was confused and then he just shoved it inside of me pretty much dry without any lubrication at all. I screamed. It hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe very easily due to the pain. I managed to ask why he did that. He said he accidentally "slipped". So after it was over I went to the bathroom. There was blood. For like a week after there was blood. *************END DETAILS*********** Sorry, I am embarrassed.. Maybe I shouldn't have shared this part... But, it is part of my story...
I don't think anyone will be understand this or what I went through or why I did the things I did and stayed if they haven't been in it themselves...
I still am fearful I will be judged for acting the way I did and for staying... for that, maybe I did deserve what happened because I was stupid enough to stay because I was so controlled and warped... When he r*ped me I would go into a dissociative state so I didn't really do anything about it... I just freakin' laid there... :'( Sigh *sobs*
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