Dominance and submission

[Mach123]

I just had the old fight with her about sex. It's always the same shit. I feel rejected and sullen. I don't want her to be able to say "no" to me anymore. Fu*king hurts too much. I stopped short of getting into the "details " or getting upset but now, I'll isolate. I'd rather be with her but I get so fu*king mad. Getting mad won't work btw, lol. That's a guarantee, definitely no chance of sex then. Oh well, silence is golden. Sadly I use my go to which is "don't talk to me or ask me about anything, fuk u." Nice. I'm hurt. : (

 

[Mach123]

Sex is out of control and I love it! I learned a new technique that helps (this might trigger.) I always liked to masturbate but it got harder as I got older. I never wanted to do it with myself after I married. Sex for me is a team sport. Anyway not very many years ago it got to be more of an effort and I would feel frustrated and disappointed if I couldn't have an orgasm, which sometimes I couldn't. So now, I don't have an orgasm. I just masturbate up to the point of orgasm and stop. This works because now I can do it over and over, the fun never stops. I wait and have the actual orgasm with my wife when she finally gets around to me or whatever you want to call it, when she gets tired of watching me suffer. This is working much better for me now. I guess I was feeling regretful or remorseful if I had an orgasm by myself like it was wasted. Whatever I was feeling I feel better now not feeling it anymore.

 

[Mach123]

It was a sexual weekend, lucky me, and I was being submissive and learning what it means. I've a guilty confession that I learned a lot about this from pornography on the internet. I know everyone talks about looking at porn now like "that's fine that's normal". Ha ha. You couldn't blow that one past my mom and you can't blow it by me either, but I digress.

When I finally got the courage to type in "shemale seduction therapy" I saw what I was. I don't think I typed that in exactly, but eventually, I found it and it's just one page and I don't have to look at anything else. I had no idea. I look at it maybe twice a month if I want to use it as a mastrubation aide. I never look at anything that has "normal" men in it.

This was quite a shock as you can imagine. It was several years ago now and I'm feeling somewhat more comfortable about it. I wrote about it online before a few years back. Now I've thought about it all that time and I guess I'm getting to understand it finally. Or I'm just at another layer, IDK.

About sex I'm the submissive one. That means I'm the one "whining and crying" during sex. I saw a perfect example of it on one of those videos. I think in pictures and I learn by watching people act a certain way and I understand how they feel but more importantly, I understand how I feel.

So I've been doing this in and out of bed. It feels so natural. I just couldn't do it all those years I had to fight back and fight against it. All that stuff about being a man, which is real, IDK if it's more real amongst the women or the men, but it's always important because it defines who you are or how everyone treats you. When I tried to "be assertive" everyone usually laughed because it just looks silly on me. I used to feel bad that people laughed at me? Now I know why. It was not always meant in an evil way because some people just 'knew' they weee watched me try to be something I wasn't.

This is CSA, for me at least. In Mike Lews book about male survivors of CSA, one of the guys said, "They turned me into a girl." I almost passed out when I read that.

 

[Mach123]

I can't do anything with others because the only way I know to try and get what I want is to be abusive. (Outside my relationship) I don't think people talk about this enough which again is "the capacity of the abuse survivor to be abusive."

I am all submissive now which I understand. I can't "shop it" out in the real world because "this is the way women control the world," not men. With sex, in other words. So, since I was always wanting to do that, since at least half of me feels like the wrong sex, the poor male part of me is pathetic and has temper tantrums because "He couldn't understand why he wasn't like everyone else." I know I've written all this before, but I have to keep going back over it. This is processing, this is trying to understand all this finally.

The part of me that's supposed to be able to do something with others is just completely screwed up and whenever I want something from someone I get into the area between being a boy and a girl or being d or s and nothing fu*king works it just doesn't happen. At least I'm not feeling as slighted anymore. I was always insane about being slighted and put down and it was always happening, it was never like I could avoid it. I made it that way in large part.

When she's around, I don't care about anything except pleasing her. I used to fight against this, now I'm like loving it. Yesterday was so good, I didn't even feel like having sex like all afternoon (mostly). I was with her and rubbing her, as usual, but not because I was worried about the next time she was going to make love with me. It even scared me a little, I'm so used to worrying about sex all the time.

 

[somerandomguy]

Just want to put this out there, and I really hope this doesn't offend you in any way - it looks like you're really working hard on this stuff. You've been dancing around this work with very vague language for awhile, and the way you're being more direct about talking about this really emphasizes that you're working and growing. You're doing great.

 

[Mach123]

There seemed to be three things I was. It seemed I was gay or bisexual or a girl somehow. The question that confused me was I didn't seem to be any of those things. I tried, so embarrassing and confusing. I didn't feel SSA, but I was interested in and remembered things about that (from early childhood till late teens) and in a sexual way. So the question always was, what was that? What happened? I would say, why am I like this but, that's not right because I didn't know what "this" meant. The therapist knows all this IDK why I feel like I need to write it down. I just feel like writing "This is how I'm feeling right now about all this."

 

[digger]

@Mach123 please log in to your account to reply. Thanks.

 

[Mach123]

I couldn't approach anyone about the way I was feeling. When? I was sexually active from the time I can remember. There were different periods and things get all mixed up in the timeline. Like I confuse internal me and real me when trying to remember what was going on at certain times. From the time I can remember till I was about 19 there was abuse reactive sex going on. It was all abuse reactive sex really my whole life. I remember in another thread someone said "there was never anything normal about sex." Bingo. There just never was. I tried to tell therapists as I've written so often, but I could only kind of hint at it, the way I've been hinting at it trying to write it out here. That's why it's so hard, the abuse took my voice. So hard to say I mean. I talk about everything like that I finally realized. I talk all around things. I just couldn't talk about any of it, not directly, not in any meaningful way.

It's the little boy stuff that's the hardest. I hated him forever and then it was like he didn't exist like he had never existed. This was all before finding out it was CSA. This was all me trying to think about me and what happened and not understanding there had been CSA. I just thought I was like that. Then I reached puberty and I was a girl. Who was I supposed to ask about that? There were no computers lol. I just thought that, what would've happened if we had access to computers like today?

 

[Mach123]

When am I? It's not so much what am I anymore. When am I, what period of life is this? When was this part of me formed? I have not been fighting back nearly as much (against life I guess) and it seems to be working. I was always having to attack everyone all the time or try and suppress the feeling of wanting to attack. Attack can mean "helping pathologically," or "just explaining to people I love what they should be doing." It goes hand in hand with being submissive so it works. It's not that I won't do anything, it's just not fighting with anyone. Not arguing and complaining. Not trying to control everything.

I worked with my doctor the way I always work yesterday. She encourages me. She flirts with me. It's her way I know and of course she says "I love you" to everyone. That's her way. But I see her like a woman and she behaves like one with me. I take full advantage. If she doesn't enjoy me, she puts on a good show of it. That's fine, lie to me please. I've seen her twice in two weeks and I wish I had something else to see her about. She know all about the CSA and I told her a bunch of stuff but it's not necessary right now. She's to busy to get very involved in my psychological health.

I wheedled some meds I wanted out of her and it was fun. This is moving forward but not being abusive. It's being sexually manipulative or submissive control. It works the same way sex works. First I broached the subject, then when she didn't say "no" right away we were negotiating. She even laughed and said "you're bargaining with me I love you." I've been as honest with her as probably anyone in my life and I just laugh at my behavior. This makes her laugh with me. When I was asking her for a specific dose she laughed and said "don't, you'll get me in trouble." She knows me. We don't have to pretend with each other. She is used to everyone taking orders from her. I treat her like a girl and since she is one, she responds like one. She's also a great doctor. She does whatever I want. In her limits, strictly set, kinda. : ) Gee, another dominant woman, what a surprise.

 

[Mach123]

So my partner who is my Dom makes me force her to have sex with me. I hate this. I don't mean force but I do. I mean insist. I mean ply my way through her excuses and lies. She goes down kicking and screaming. Not always, just mostly. She wants me to know she "paid me" and she expects to get paid in return. That's an ugly way to say that but it's true. It's the undercurrent of our relationship, tit for tat. She controls it, I beg. That's why even though she's the bottom , she's actually the top.

After, I usually feel like saying "I'm sorry." I get yelled at for that. Because that's her way. It's like "You won that one why are you saying your sorry?" and/or "You did what you had to for sex and I had an orgasm so why would you say you're sorry?" That means we live in a constant state of war with me always trying to get through to her. Even while making love she keeps fighting me sometimes like when I go down there she's like pushing me away going "no no." Then the big orgasm and then, after a period of time she snaps the fuk back out of it and the waiting starts again.

I don't like this arrangement but I've never broken the cycle. She likes to say stuff about my behaviour as if I could change things by what I was doing but, I've been there and done that. If I'm away from her awhile she gets so much worse. She treats me like a responsibility and she loves her responsibilities except the domestic ones. Everyone else can have a piece of her but her family, we can wait.

I know the answer but I've never been able to face it. Every time we have sex, I'm her slave again. Sex is the binding force and the bargaining chip. She wants me to keep preforming my duties and do a good job without her having to have sex with me. I say "I'll be a good little bitch but you have to fuk me if you expect me to behave."

I should have left her at the start. I should have quit her. I couldn't though, she's to fuking good.
I always have fantasies about revenge sex to get even with her for how she treats me but I'm afraid of her. Her end all ultimatum is "I'll never do that again." I feel it like a knife wound. She says it to frighten me. It works.

She'd rather have a huge fight with me for say a week rather than have pleasure with me for a half hour. It's her control. It's how she keeps everything in line. Everything is not in line though? Everyone is always in rebellion because she manages with force. Thoroughly and indiscriminately brutal about giving or withholding her love.

Every once in a while I get some painkillers and I don't have to ask her anything about sex. It's such a relief not to have to be afraid of her saying "no."

 

[Mach123]

I just can't make any effort to influence events in my own life except, I can choose not to participate. Everything else, in my immediate family, is seen as abuse, coming from me, but it's perfectly ok for the rest of them to fuk me over however and whenever they want. Well, my old response was to "refuse to participate" in whatever was going on. I was never very good at it though, because I'd allow my wife to draw me out by talking. Then she'd just pick me apart easy. I was never much of a challenge for her. Yesterday she pissed me off. We had to go "perform" together. She has not been nice with me about sex though. So she got me to "perform" because according to her I was "supposed to," and I owed it to her and there was something in it for me. This is just classic her, making up the rules as always. Well, I never have a leg up on her in these conflicts. She has me in every way. She even gets to define what's right and wrong. I was thinking about all the times she hurt me with this over all these years and how the feeling I get every time is the same. Then I actually felt, for a moment, how much nicer life could be if she couldn't do this to me anymore.

 

[Mach123]

Everyone comes looking for me when things don't work. But when I want anything I get told I shouldn't. This is so far reaching a thing that nobody in my family can do anything for themselves. It's part of the marriage thing and it has always been an issue and a misery for me. The whole dad the provider thing and dads the dominant partner. Just didn't happen. Well I sorta knew that but I let it go on leaving was always my only alternative. Nobody was about to take my efforts seriously. Trying to be in charge of anything never worked for me and it certainly never worked with my wife and family? I never wanted to be responsible for anyone else I can't take care of myself hardly. I don't hate it totally it just right now the stress is super high and we're all piled in here on top of each other and there are lots of adjustments and if anything is not working and they all tell me. But if I say can anyone make dinner or do laundry or go to the grocery store they just ignore me. If they do anything or try to it's done so poorly. That part is really hard. There was a box on the porch I needed to go through but it went to goodwill because they were trying to help.

I'm supposed to do the dad thing, But if I say anyone else is supposed to do anything everyone says I'm unfair. It's a stupid fu*king game I hate and it's about power and everyone plays to win. I don't get to make the rules. If you start talking about your feelings? Those are things everyone else has. I'm the dad and I'm the man lol. Now it's Thursday and time for me to start begging for sex again.

If I did have money and a career I could just write checks and make them all go away. Or I could go away even better. I had a medical procedure yesterday and I like that because it's the only time I get anyone to pay any attention to me personally and my body. Like going for a massage or getting my nails done? My new haircut place you can pay extra and they put you in a massage chair and shampoo your hair.

I don't mind that much the way my wife is about it because she's the Dom and we both know really she got out of ever being responsible for any of the things that were traditionally women's or housewives things. She does some of them sometimes but she doesn't have to. She doesn't feel like a failure if she's not doing them or that she's responsible but she made me feel that way always about the mans things.

Usually we let it go because we both know now neither of us fit in the traditional gender roles. That's not really true either but it's a way to say it. My wife was never going to be the submissive partner is another way to say it. At least not with me. My only problem is I want to pay her with sex and she doesn't take sex in payment. It makes me feel unattractive and undesirable. Also unreasonable because I have a strong need for sex.

None of that's true though it's just about dominance and who says what's going to happen next and all those things are the tools of the trade. Making others do what you want by any and all means necessary. Now we have a new home and guess who's responsible for making everything work and keeping everything working? My wife made me let the boys take all my tools for their "landscaping venture"which is a joke but my grass needs to be cut and I have no lawnmower. If I started yelling about it they'd all say "Why do you get so upset dad? and What are you yelling about?"

Lots of bleed over here into my other thread about gender and being gender fluid. Since I can't write them a check and make them leave me alone if they keep it up I'll come down to breakfast in a dress and say someone else has to take the trash out today. (Except there is no breakfast being served and there are no more stairs, that was in the old place) Then they'd really be mad.