barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
I’ve written here recently about some intense push/pull that I have going on with my therapist. It seems really ramped up at the moment.
When I’m in the room with her, I feel fine with her...but then when I’m away from her (or sometimes it does happen when I’m with her and she’s feeling ‘too close’ or saying something caring, which I find uncomfortable) I can feel angry with her and/or like I want to run.
I wrote a thread recently about how I am regularly fantasising about falling out with her and me leaving. We talked about that again last week...about what it could mean in terms of me fearing intimacy and rejecting the relationship...
I had a session yesterday. It was fine. I was focused on some stressful here and now family stuff. And we spent some time sorting out scheduling for the next couple of months. I felt fine when I left. In fact, it was one of those sessions that I haven’t had for a while, when I left and immediately quite wanted to be able to go right back in again to continue.
Later, in the early hours of the morning, I emailed her to say that I want to cancel all those sessions we arranged yesterday.
I said something about it not mattering how many times I keep turning up, I can’t change things that have happened and I’m not going to feel any better...and then some stuff about being useless and pathetic.
At the time when I was writing it, it felt like a very reasonable thing to write - like I was experiencing a moment of real clarity and that was the best thing to do. And I felt calm about it - I sent the email then went straight to sleep.
And now I’ve been awake since 5.30am and am wondering what the hell I did that for and what I’m supposed to do about it now.
I feel mortified. Really ashamed of some of the things I wrote about how I feel. And now I’m panicking because basically I think I just quit. And I have no idea what to do.
If I email again saying to ignore that last email I think I look like a flip-flopping nutter! If I do nothing...I don’t know what she will do. She might just reply saying it sounds like a break would be a good idea and to let her know if/when I want to return. And how do I then say, don’t worry, I’ll still keep those dates, see you next week? And what would that be like if I end up going next week and I have to sit there with what I wrote just hanging there?!
I don’t understand why I’ve done this. And I don’t feel calm about it anymore. I feel very, very anxious.
And I don’t know what to do about it now. Whether I should email her again before she has a chance to contact me - she might not have even seen it yet as it’s only 7.30am. But I have no idea what I’d say or how that would look. I think I’d just look idiot saying I want to cancel then a few hours later saying not really.
Or whether I just wait and see what she says. Which means I get to try to ignore it for a bit. But that potentially puts the ball in her court if she just decides to accept the cancellations and deletes them all from her diary.
Ffs! I don’t understand what I’m doing!
Any thoughts on best way forward?? I feel very stressed about this and confused by what I’ve done.
When I’m in the room with her, I feel fine with her...but then when I’m away from her (or sometimes it does happen when I’m with her and she’s feeling ‘too close’ or saying something caring, which I find uncomfortable) I can feel angry with her and/or like I want to run.
I wrote a thread recently about how I am regularly fantasising about falling out with her and me leaving. We talked about that again last week...about what it could mean in terms of me fearing intimacy and rejecting the relationship...
I had a session yesterday. It was fine. I was focused on some stressful here and now family stuff. And we spent some time sorting out scheduling for the next couple of months. I felt fine when I left. In fact, it was one of those sessions that I haven’t had for a while, when I left and immediately quite wanted to be able to go right back in again to continue.
Later, in the early hours of the morning, I emailed her to say that I want to cancel all those sessions we arranged yesterday.
I said something about it not mattering how many times I keep turning up, I can’t change things that have happened and I’m not going to feel any better...and then some stuff about being useless and pathetic.
At the time when I was writing it, it felt like a very reasonable thing to write - like I was experiencing a moment of real clarity and that was the best thing to do. And I felt calm about it - I sent the email then went straight to sleep.
And now I’ve been awake since 5.30am and am wondering what the hell I did that for and what I’m supposed to do about it now.
I feel mortified. Really ashamed of some of the things I wrote about how I feel. And now I’m panicking because basically I think I just quit. And I have no idea what to do.
If I email again saying to ignore that last email I think I look like a flip-flopping nutter! If I do nothing...I don’t know what she will do. She might just reply saying it sounds like a break would be a good idea and to let her know if/when I want to return. And how do I then say, don’t worry, I’ll still keep those dates, see you next week? And what would that be like if I end up going next week and I have to sit there with what I wrote just hanging there?!
I don’t understand why I’ve done this. And I don’t feel calm about it anymore. I feel very, very anxious.
And I don’t know what to do about it now. Whether I should email her again before she has a chance to contact me - she might not have even seen it yet as it’s only 7.30am. But I have no idea what I’d say or how that would look. I think I’d just look idiot saying I want to cancel then a few hours later saying not really.
Or whether I just wait and see what she says. Which means I get to try to ignore it for a bit. But that potentially puts the ball in her court if she just decides to accept the cancellations and deletes them all from her diary.
Ffs! I don’t understand what I’m doing!
Any thoughts on best way forward?? I feel very stressed about this and confused by what I’ve done.