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Don’t know what to do about this email I’ve sent

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barefoot

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve written here recently about some intense push/pull that I have going on with my therapist. It seems really ramped up at the moment.

When I’m in the room with her, I feel fine with her...but then when I’m away from her (or sometimes it does happen when I’m with her and she’s feeling ‘too close’ or saying something caring, which I find uncomfortable) I can feel angry with her and/or like I want to run.

I wrote a thread recently about how I am regularly fantasising about falling out with her and me leaving. We talked about that again last week...about what it could mean in terms of me fearing intimacy and rejecting the relationship...

I had a session yesterday. It was fine. I was focused on some stressful here and now family stuff. And we spent some time sorting out scheduling for the next couple of months. I felt fine when I left. In fact, it was one of those sessions that I haven’t had for a while, when I left and immediately quite wanted to be able to go right back in again to continue.

Later, in the early hours of the morning, I emailed her to say that I want to cancel all those sessions we arranged yesterday.

I said something about it not mattering how many times I keep turning up, I can’t change things that have happened and I’m not going to feel any better...and then some stuff about being useless and pathetic.

At the time when I was writing it, it felt like a very reasonable thing to write - like I was experiencing a moment of real clarity and that was the best thing to do. And I felt calm about it - I sent the email then went straight to sleep.

And now I’ve been awake since 5.30am and am wondering what the hell I did that for and what I’m supposed to do about it now.

I feel mortified. Really ashamed of some of the things I wrote about how I feel. And now I’m panicking because basically I think I just quit. And I have no idea what to do.

If I email again saying to ignore that last email I think I look like a flip-flopping nutter! If I do nothing...I don’t know what she will do. She might just reply saying it sounds like a break would be a good idea and to let her know if/when I want to return. And how do I then say, don’t worry, I’ll still keep those dates, see you next week? And what would that be like if I end up going next week and I have to sit there with what I wrote just hanging there?!

I don’t understand why I’ve done this. And I don’t feel calm about it anymore. I feel very, very anxious.

And I don’t know what to do about it now. Whether I should email her again before she has a chance to contact me - she might not have even seen it yet as it’s only 7.30am. But I have no idea what I’d say or how that would look. I think I’d just look idiot saying I want to cancel then a few hours later saying not really.

Or whether I just wait and see what she says. Which means I get to try to ignore it for a bit. But that potentially puts the ball in her court if she just decides to accept the cancellations and deletes them all from her diary.

Ffs! I don’t understand what I’m doing!

Any thoughts on best way forward?? I feel very stressed about this and confused by what I’ve done.
 
At the time when I was writing it, it felt like a very reasonable thing to write - like I was experiencing a moment of real clarity and that was the best thing to do. And I felt calm about it - I sent the em

And i thought i was the only one that did this. It is tricky when we feel that clarity and feel that what we do takes control back over what we lost and sometimes we dont even know what we lost but just writing it out and taking action feels great which could be why i also fall asleep right after.

I have done this many times to many professionals. I have learned the good ones see more than my words and work with me to identify the deeper needs. The clarity thing is a strange thing because it feels what i have been missing.

Now what i do is email back or when i see my T i ask "why do u think i wrote that email?" Or "i wrote some fukd up shit to you i think....but i dont remember why."

My Ts havehave heard wide range from clarity to chaos to dissociated depersonalized.

Dont feel you are nutter and if you do its all good cuz trail mix needs nuts.

Be open and ask for T perspective and expertise on your behaviour. Hope it helps.
 
Email her back and say what you just said. When you sit with someone and are truly seen, it can leave you feeling very vulnerable.
I said something about it not mattering how many times I keep turning up, I can’t change things that have happened and I’m not going to feel any better...and then some stuff about being useless and pathetic.
JUDGEMENT! Stop judging how you *should* react and just sit with how you are reacting.
I can assure you this is not the first time she had a client who left therapy and had this reaction. I can't count how many times I have done the exact same thing. I dont email my therapist but I texted her... lol... she was always very kind and unshaken. She just always insisted that I come in and we talk about it. Then, ultimately I didn't quit and thankfully she remained a very steady, kind person that always held space with me during difficult times without judgment. I have enough judgement for the both of us... I am working on that however. Just email her. I would urge you to go in and just talk about it. It could prove to be an opportunity for growth. Good luck. Sending good thoughts and strength your way
 
If you don't want to terminate therapy, it's probably best you are active in managing the situation, rather than leaving an element of chance in play with the opportunity (though I'm not sure how likely it would be for a therapist to reply to an email like that with an agreement of termination/postponement of therapy) for her to say "ok".
I wrote a thread recently about how I am regularly fantasising about falling out with her and me leaving. We talked about that again last week...about what it could mean in terms of me fearing intimacy and rejecting the relationship...
Particularly given ^this.
She will have an understanding that there is something deeper going on than just the face value of the words you wrote in that email.
she might not have even seen it yet as it’s only 7.30am.
Even better a reason to strike now.
And now I’ve been awake since 5.30am and am wondering what the hell I did that for and what I’m supposed to do about it now.

I feel mortified. Really ashamed of some of the things I wrote about how I feel. And now I’m panicking because basically I think I just quit. And I have no idea what to do.
I would send an email, saying largely ^this. Just be honest with her.
Deep breaths. You can do this :hug:
 
Of course it felt like the right thing to do in the middle of the night. You are experiencing huge ambivalence about your relationship with your therapist, and at 2am our rationality and determination are at a low ebb. It's why I've set myself a rule not to get out of bed at night. Don't you also have a sleep disorder? Were you even properly awake?

The thing I'd be wondering about is why you feel such doubt about contacting her again. What is wrong with looking
like a flip-flopping nutter!
to someone who has already worked through so much more with you?
 
I also agree that emailing her and letting her know you still want to work on the push/pull thing in therapy.

I have gotten better at writing draft emails and just saving them for a day or two before deciding whether to send it or not. Especially if I am pushing someone away. I sometimes have a very strong urge to push others away, or just turn my back - and I have often reacted to it in that moment of "clearity" when it seems the only sound solution. Push still seems to take way more space than pull.

I have had a therapist who was very.. I don't know.. "no-nonsense" maybe. When I did something similar to what you did, she calmly accepted and told me I was welcome to contact her again if/when I felt like it. I never did. I felt so mortified and embarrassed.

I have gotten better at accepting the tight turns my mind seems to make. The times I have regretted an email/text I have sent, and wrote back with an apology/short explanation (before or after a reply from the person) I have actually felt calmer, taller and more honest with my self. I you turn to your therapist again and tell her that what felt/seemed right before doesn't feel/seem right to you now, I hope you will also feel better (once the initial mortification subsides).

I think this is one of those instances where "getting it wrong" is actually a case of working hard on getting it right (it just takes a while before you reach the goal).
 
joining the club of those having sent such emails.

Therapist do expect a certain amount of conflict in emtions regarding the therapy itself, so I am very sure that it is not the first time they have been on the recieving end of such messages.

I handled it by taking responsibilty. emailing again stating that I was panicing, and think it best to keep everthing as planned until the next appointment where we could look into what had happened for me to get into that way of thinking. I think you will get a very gentle and understanding response back for that.

in the meantime try to stop beating yourself up over it. As you can see it is a pretty standard therapy occurance.
 
Thanks everyone for the reassurance and for normalising the sending of panicked, irrational emails!

I decided to take your advice and email her back...but then I found it really hard getting my throughts together and my mind kept going blank so after a couple of hours of faffing I still hadn’t managed to put a few sentences together and now she has beaten me to it and replied before I was able to get in there and explain.

Her response was brief, professional and kind...saying she was concerned to receive my email especially as I sent it so late and asking if I was ok.

Now kicking myself that I didn’t get myself together to email her earlier and feel a bit frozen about what to say in reply. And also feel bad that she has been concerned when I could have saved her the bother by just emailing her first thing and saying to ignore my other email.

Don't you also have a sleep disorder? Were you even properly awake?

I have parasomnias (night terrors and hallucinations etc) though they are under control at the moment as the melatonin I started taking in January seems to have knocked them on the head. I’d taken a melatonin and was feeling sleepy as a result but I wasn’t asleep...I was sort of in that pre-slumber state. Not really, really alert but aware of what I was doing.


The thing I'd be wondering about is why you feel such doubt about contacting her again.

I don’t know why but I feel really ashamed. Partly, I think, because I have let her see how irrational I was. Usually I keep those things to myself or blurt them here in the forum! And partly because I said some things about myself that today are making me want to crawl out of my skin. I just feel so mortified.
 
In my professional life I found saying "Yes, you are right" gave me the power, even though it sounds as though I was giving it away. Perhaps the way ahead is to agree that her concern is justified. You are allowing her to demonstrate her expertise, and benefiting from it.

I recognise the forum blurting!
 
You are acting like a normal therapy client. What seems so shameful to you, probably seems pretty standard to you. And I'm including whatever you wrote in your email. As far as appearing irrational, I think it's more that you appear afraid. Regardless, who better to show your struggle to, but your therapist. Letting her see this, even as difficult as it is will make it easier for her to help you.

I will join the crew of those saying I've sent emails like that.
 
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