Childhood Don`t Want To Remember

[Scandinavgirl]

My first post here was about fear of therapy. I guess this post is about the same in some way.
This is hard for me to write about - I dont know how to adress this issue, and I kind of need your help.

Like I explained in an earlier post, a fear of sexual abuse in my childhood has comed to the surface.
I have several times in my adult life wondered about it, but could not remember anything, so I thought "no".

Since I started therapy a few months ago - to heal some wounds from the past, this fear has arised again is is stronger than ever. A year ago I also became a mother for the first time - and when pregnant, I remember being very afraid of the gynecological examinations I knew would come. Actually, even though I was 29 years at that point, I never had an intimate examination because of this fear. There was luckily fewer examinations than expected, and it was not as bad as I feared.

And since my child was born, I sometimes gets "afraid" when I change his diapers. That I will touch him in a way he does not like, or that I will "cross some line" when cleaning him. I get the same fear when my boyfriend changes his diapers (even though I know he would never do something like that, of course).

These things are fears I can live with, I am just wondering where they come from. The reason why I am afraid, is that I`ve lately, been more "sensitive" when getting touched by others. Sex with my boyfriend is also avoided because I get anxious. And I get these weird "sensations": Smell of sperm (out of the blue), choking feeling in my throat.

I am afraid memories are coming back. And I am not sure whether I should talk with my therapist about it, because I dont want to retrieve memories that are possibly destroying. It also seems a bit "out there" you know. Because it may also just be paranoia or some destructive part of me, trying to destroy me. Because a part of me wants to know if I was sexually abused as well, like I cant be happy I am getting better...like I need something even worse....;)

How am I going to adress this issue? Any thoughts?

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd bring it back around to the reason you're there, "I started therapy a few months ago - to heal some wounds from the past".

Fear of therapy yet your in therapy. The reason you went to therapy was more important than your fear of it. Yeah I would discuss this with your therapist.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

P

oops..something went wrong in ny previous post.

 

[sun seeker]

My experience is that memories will come when they come... there isn't a lot you can do to push them or to stop them. The question then becomes how to deal with them when they do.

That probably isn't very encouraging news. There is a book I'd recommend if you haven't read it. It's called The Courage to Heal. I've read it several times. It's a classic for survivors of child sexual abuse, and it has sections on the process of remembering, on parenting, and on the effect on relationships. Sounds like those are all things you are dealing with so perhaps it would be a good thing to read.

A lot of going back and forth between believing and not believing, wanting to know and not wanting to know, is pretty normal.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

My experience is that memories will come when they come... there isn't a lot you can do to push them...

Yes, even though I dont want to know, I kinda feel like I need to know in a way. Or can you heal probably, when you dont know exactly what to heal?
I will check out the book. Thank you.

 

[sun seeker]

Or can you heal probably, when you dont know exactly what to heal?

You can make a start. All any of us has to work with is the information we have at the time. More will come... or it won't. Either way there are things you can do to start healing, just as you are. A lot of it is about learning to trust yourself. If you are suffering, there is a reason for it. You can trust that even if you don't know what exactly that reason is. It doesn't sound like much, but it's a process, and in my experience it will get you a long way.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I feel like I have to add something. Or maybe it is another question.
When I was little, I engaged in sexual play with a friend. It was a bit more extreme than the sexual play kids normally does, I think. This went on a few years, but we did not see eachother often. But I remember this very bad feeling (maybe shame) when I went home after visiting her. We were never discovered, but it was like I knew that this was wrong. I think I may have cross my own bounderies here. Later, in my twenties, she told me she was sexual abused by an older boy as a kid.

Also, my big brother, only a couple of years older than me, had a period where he would come with verbal, I would say, sexual queries. He respected me saying "no" - it was uncomfortable, but not vrealy traumatizing I would think.

Maybe my doubt of being sexual abused comes from these events?

 

[sun seeker]

I don't have an answer to your question, I hope someone else does. But I do have one more book recommendation: Memory and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma, by Charles Whitfield. I'm bad at remembering the details of books, but the basic idea I got from this one, and it sounds like it might be helpful to you, is that while we may not recall traumatic memory in exact detail, it's impossible to fake PTSD. If we show signs of trauma, there is a reason for it, whether or not we are clear on what that reason is. I think he also maps out the basics of recovery and the structure of therapy, i.e. beginning with stabilization before moving into working on trauma directly.

When you say you wonder if your memories of possible sexual abuse might instead be a self-destructive part of you, my thought is to look more closely at that and to set aside, for the time being, the question of what exactly the story is. Let the story come to you in its own time. Perhaps there is indeed a part of you that wants to self-destruct. Why does it want to do that? I don't know if you're familiar with the theory that we all have different parts, and in people who are traumatized the parts are more distinctly separate than in others. (I'm not talking about DID, that is a different thing.) We develop these parts to to help us handle the trauma, and this is actually an adaptive strategy at the time, though if we don't learn to understand and work with them it can become problematic later on. All the parts have a purpose and work to keep the whole system functioning. Some of them can be aggravating at times, but it's important to learn to listen and treat them with compassion.

So... possibly there really is a self-destructive part of you, and possibly it developed for a reason that made sense at the time. If you can learn, with the help of your therapist, to recognize that part of you and find out what its role is and how to help it get its needs met in a more positive (i.e. not destructive) way, it might be an important step in your healing. Just my thoughts, I don't know if this resonates with you at all.

I'm going to tag @Hope4Now and @shimmerz on this one, I have the feeling one or both of them would be able to explain this better than I have.

 

[Chava]

I refuse to go digging for memories. The major traumas that I do know of don't even have good memories because I was partially or fully unconscious, or maybe even blocking out the waking parts. I do feel like I can address the residue and moving through and beyond anyway. But as others have suggested, bring it up to your therapist and see what she suggests for approaching your fears.

 

[Hope4Now]

my thought is to look more closely at that and to set aside, for the time being, the question of what exactly the story is. Let the story come to you in its own time.

This is the best advice there is.

I have a long story and many thoughts on repressed/dissociated memories. I still struggle with all of it. The more I used to analyze and think about it, the more tangled up I became. Over two years in therapy now, I am finally beginning to gain the patience to let things come as they come. To "listen" to what comes up. To share things with my therapist as openly as I can. It is very difficult and I doubt my self all the time and deal with self-destructive parts all the time. You are a few months into therapy. You don't want to hear this (I certainly didn't), but you are just beginning. Be patient. Be compassionate with yourself and your thoughts and fears. Take your time. It WILL be okay eventually. Whatever happened, happened in the past.

Oh, and, it is not at all unusual I think to have a lot of this stuff begin to surface more intensely when one has children. It certainly did for me. But my dissociative skills were/are so fabulously well-developed that I managed to quell any suspicions or thoughts or feelings about the issues for another 20 years. Ugh. So be brave and strong and true to yourself. Which = self-compassion.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I don't have an answer to your question, I hope someone else does. But I do have one more book recom...

Well. I can certainly relate to what you are saying about "different parts". Its difficult to get a permanent job where I live (expecially in my profession), so soon I will be without a job again, unless I get a new one quikly. I will get some unemployment benefits so we will manage fine for a while. But as one side of we wants to keep working, seeking jobs, keep looking for new alternatives, be creative, another part of me cant see any solutions what so ever. This part cant see how things will ever work out, I make "catastrophic consequences" in my head and panic. Some moments I am so far down I almost feel suicidal. But I would never act on it though.
I know I should talk with my therapist about it. Maybe this can be an approach to talk about the thoughts of sexual abuse as well.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

This is the best advice there is.

I have a long story and many thoughts on repressed/dissociated memor...

Thank you - I hope you are right about everything will turn out fine. I did not plan staying in therapy for more than a few months, but now I get that I might "have to". I had to work on some issues with my parents (emotional and physical abuse). Good to hear from someone who has been there.