Done

[Toadette]

f*ck this day. f*ck it from start to finish. I'm f*cking absolutely done with it.
I hate my life and I hate myself more. I'm never going to be even close to okay so what is the f*cking point.
I'm absolute poison to everyone around me. Self absorbed prick who makes my problems everyone elses. As much as people will probably disagree I KNOW my mam just clicked on that I was scum before everyone else. She did her best but it was never enough and when she realised she was spending her time on a useless f*ck up it's no wonder she used to say the things she did. I obviously not the f*cking victim I make out because I would argue back and it's my fault it got so bad and I am not a victim I just ruined my mam and everyones life.

I feel constantly punished for just being me. Everyone believes the narrative that I was a problem child and tbh so do I now. Everyone has been sick of my shit for a long time. There's people avoid me like the plague for hurting my mam and I feel like a f*cking insect. I feel like no matter how much I progress no matter how much I TRY it will never be enough and people will stick to the bad parts of me and how could they not. Tbh I'm pretty sure I'm a borderline narcissist whatever just an inherently BAD PERSON. Even this is for attention. IT NEVER ENDS. THE PUNISHMENT JUST GOES ON AND ON. I want my nana, I only want to be with my nana. Even though I ruined her life too. f*ck.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Im sorry Toadette. :hug: if you accept them.

 

[trying2movefwd]

It would be nice if we could edit the smilie faces on the hug whatever those things are called.

 

[EveHarrington]

Heck with them! You were programmed from a young age to hate yourself and blame yourself. Doesn't seem really fair-----I mean to be abused and if ya dare to react, you're blamed for being a bad apple. It's a no win situation. These people won't ever change. Can you kick them out of your life? Or just disappear without a word. Don't let them win. You have value even if those wretched people can't see it.

I think the number one "rule" of being a narcissist is that you can't see narcissism in yourself. I dont think you're narcissistic.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I'm a lot like you. I know that guilt. I know that feeling that even when I do something good, I just feel like I did it for myself. I can never feel good about myself, because I see how every good deed I do is just to stop my guilt. I know that feeling that it was MY fault, that I deserved the things that happened to me when I was 7, 8 and 9, even though I remember disturbing things happening to me when I was 6, 5 and even 4.

Sometimes I stop and realize that if I stop blaming myself, I can be an authentic person. I remind myself that I have to stop believing I'm guilty, or else everything I do will always be tainted. But I never can stick with it. I always go back to feeling guilty and unworthy.

 

[Toadette]

It's not even like I can call samaritans because I've already tried to join them twice but never got accepted probably because I'm like this and the second time I got an interview I was so keen to show them I was better in the interview all I did was talk about myself and forgot to mention wanting to help people how stupid is that? Last time I rang them anyways it just said all lines busy. Just dont know what to do. I really appreciate the hugs and everything but I feel like I've manipulated you all. Or bringing up stuff to you all and making you worse. It's like an endless pit of self hate and I wish I could just vanish or run away and hide. I'm so so sorry everyone it's been a really bad day and I just wish I could go straight to my nana and be a little girl again and her make everything okay I'm so sorry

 

[Forgetful]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. No need to apologize to us, this is a safe place to vent. We've all done it too.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Warm, comforting hugs

 

[Chiqui]

It's not even like I can call samaritans because I've already tried to join them twice but never got a...

It sounds like my mind in a very bad day. I doubt you can make anyone to feel worse here, neither to manipulate us

I like what @EveHarrington said above
"Doesn't seem really fair-----I mean to be abused and if ya dare to react,you're blamed for being a bad apple. It's a no win situation."

May be now you are feeling this bad and I am truly sorry you are going through all this pain, but what I know is that you are in the right side of all that happens and they are not.
Take care and be safe.

 

[Toadette]

Thank you all so much, ordered myself something to eat, going to watch a film and try again tomorrow. I appreciate all of you :hug:

 

[Chiqui]

Thank you all so much, ordered myself something to eat, going to watch a film and try again tomorrow....

Well done, girl!! :)

 

[ladee]

Fantastic that the venting helped !! I was giving myself that same talk yesterday.. so I do understand. It's all BS that ugly stuff we say to our self, but when we are in that spot, it is our truth... so glad you reached out and let others have a chance to give you hugs and hold your hand for a little while...
Happy you are feeling better.... gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Toadette]

Fantastic that the venting helped !! I was giving myself that same talk yesterday.. so I do understand. I...

Thank you so much, feeling a bit better today. So happy to have a group of people who understand. It really means alot to me <3