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Don't Care If I Dissociate....
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Friday
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I'm at the point where to even get TO therapy I need some kind of distance. I prefer chemical, because that leaves me present / awake / aware and able to participate. Without a wee bit o chemical distance? I'll be puking and shaking for 2-3 days prior to therapy, and IF I get there at all, completely unable to participate, and then the next few days just swamped with symptoms off the chart. Being somewhere for 1 hour eats a week of the rest of my life. Attempting to do any kind of therapy while I'm this unstable, without a stabilizing piece? Wouldn't be possible. Straight up.
I've told my T this so that they're aware this is where I'm at right now, and I am using every trick in the book to manage my stress around it. I'm just too unstable for therapy. So that's what I'm working on. LOL. I'm not doing trauma therapy, I'm doing get my ass somewhere every 2 weeks without torpedoing my life in the process. :wtf: It is what it is. Feeling guilty about it isn't going to change it.
Quite frankly, I might need better meds, to get me through this hard piece so I can get to where I'm going faster. I'm pretty stubborn, though. So while I might kick my own ass 6 ways to Sunday for not getting better meds sooner if I do make that decision later? Right now I've got a little chemical distance that allows therapy to happen, period, while I work on the rest of my life / trying to get that stable enough, to get me stable enough. Shrug.
Sounds like you're in a fairly similar place, but are using disassociation as distance, instead. Is that working for you? Are you making progress? Or is it something you might could be doing in a different way?
I've told my T this so that they're aware this is where I'm at right now, and I am using every trick in the book to manage my stress around it. I'm just too unstable for therapy. So that's what I'm working on. LOL. I'm not doing trauma therapy, I'm doing get my ass somewhere every 2 weeks without torpedoing my life in the process. :wtf: It is what it is. Feeling guilty about it isn't going to change it.
Quite frankly, I might need better meds, to get me through this hard piece so I can get to where I'm going faster. I'm pretty stubborn, though. So while I might kick my own ass 6 ways to Sunday for not getting better meds sooner if I do make that decision later? Right now I've got a little chemical distance that allows therapy to happen, period, while I work on the rest of my life / trying to get that stable enough, to get me stable enough. Shrug.
Sounds like you're in a fairly similar place, but are using disassociation as distance, instead. Is that working for you? Are you making progress? Or is it something you might could be doing in a different way?
Kintsugi
Sponsor
I dissociate in therapy a lot, although I try really hard not to, but that is something my T and I are actively working on, as dissociation is my toughest, most persistent, potentially most self-destructive symptom.
HOWEVER, my T always says she doesn't necessarily care if I stop dissociating forever; she just wants it to be on my terms. If it is on your terms, maybe you and your T could have an open conversation about whether it's helping or hurting the therapeutic process. As Friday said, it may be a necessary coping mechanism for you to achieve the progress you desire.
HOWEVER, my T always says she doesn't necessarily care if I stop dissociating forever; she just wants it to be on my terms. If it is on your terms, maybe you and your T could have an open conversation about whether it's helping or hurting the therapeutic process. As Friday said, it may be a necessary coping mechanism for you to achieve the progress you desire.
NightSky
Gold Member
Dissociation feels safe. I spend every session outside of myself. And half of them I don't remember. But recently I hit a really rough patch and I wanted/needed, really, to get something out of the hour I was there each week and I was finding myself unable to receive any validation or help. Instead of my appointments being beneficial they were serving as reminders that I'll always be stuck with these frustrating symptoms. I've since had this major revelation that I stay dissociated because I fear my feelings underneath. And until I stop dissociating and start feeling them, I won't truly be able to heal. So now I care. But I certainly never used to. I was grateful for how distant dissociation made me feel from the process.
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- #5
I find feeing vulnerable is very frightening, though not something I can control. Though very far from dissociating which I've probably done- a lot. (Or minimized so much it helped create a 'cushion' between feeling and reality.)
But I suppose it's more helpful (but frightening) to not dissociate. But even showing up is trying to get help, I think?
:hug:
But I suppose it's more helpful (but frightening) to not dissociate. But even showing up is trying to get help, I think?
:hug:
Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
Sh.., I mean heck yeah I feel like that, couldn't care less really. I know it is a part of PTSD and during those times I already know that my brain is not functioning correctly, transported into a world at those times where no one can reach me. I relish those times, sounds weird, I know.
barefoot
Diamond Member
The spacey, trancey, zoned out experience of dissociation is certainly an easy, safe place for me to slide into, especially in therapy. It's like being in a comfy, protective bubble a million miles away from everything and everyone else. What's not to like?! ;-)
When it goes too far and I reach the point of not being able to feel my body at all - so I can't stand up because I can't feel my feet or I bang into things because I can't work out where my body is in relation to objects etc - I guess that becomes potentially unsafe though I don't think I realise that in the moment as my head is too far gone by that point.
I suppose the main thing I've come to realise is that dissociation is a defence mechanism so it shows up for a reason. I do generally try to fight it when it happens in therapy but sometimes it just feels too hard so I think there is an element of giving in to it. But if I give into the spaciness I'm in danger of getting to the shaking/can't stand up stage, which is potentially dangerous. And whether I'm a bit spacey or full-on gone and shaking, if I'm dissociating at all, I'm not fully present. And if I'm not fully (or, at least, significantly) present in therapy, I can't really do any work, so it really just puts a stop to the session, even if I continue to sit there.
So, not being present in session and not being in relationship with my therapist and not being mentally/physically/emotionally engaged means not doing any work, not making any progress, not learning anything, not really accomplishing anything of any value at all.
A few questions for you to ponder if you want to:
What is it that makes you willingly dissociate and reluctant to try very hard to get out of it?
What is dissociation giving you?
What might a session be like if you didn't dissociate?
What might be difficult about a session in which you didn't dissociate? What could potentially be gained by a session in which you didn't dissociate?
I find it hard to get the balance between accepting and respecting that the dissociation is there for a reason (to protect us) so don't try to force it away if it's doing an effective job vs taking responsibility for trying to push through a bit and not just let old habits that may not always serve me well now take over.
And I totally agree with @NightSky about dissociation protecting us from feeling our feelings. Do you know what specifically yours may be protecting you from? I think, for me, the big feeling that I can't seem to "be with" is shame. That was a fairly recent revelation for me. If you can identify what you can't be with, that may be a useful step?
Not meaning you have to answer any of the above questions here, of course! Just putting them out there in case they're of use but they may well not be!
Just to add - how is your relationship with your T and your level of trust/safety with your T/the therapeutic space? It may be that your dissociation (and your willingness to go with it) are signs that you need to build more trust/safety with your T, that you need more resources in terms of grounding, that you need to work more on stability, that you need more support in place beyond your T (friends, family etc) in order to have strong enough foundations in place to enable you to really go there etc. Perhaps the work is moving too quickly and you're just not ready yet? In which case, very understandable that your head just wants to check out. I'm sure loads of us here can identify with that. I certainly can!
When it goes too far and I reach the point of not being able to feel my body at all - so I can't stand up because I can't feel my feet or I bang into things because I can't work out where my body is in relation to objects etc - I guess that becomes potentially unsafe though I don't think I realise that in the moment as my head is too far gone by that point.
I suppose the main thing I've come to realise is that dissociation is a defence mechanism so it shows up for a reason. I do generally try to fight it when it happens in therapy but sometimes it just feels too hard so I think there is an element of giving in to it. But if I give into the spaciness I'm in danger of getting to the shaking/can't stand up stage, which is potentially dangerous. And whether I'm a bit spacey or full-on gone and shaking, if I'm dissociating at all, I'm not fully present. And if I'm not fully (or, at least, significantly) present in therapy, I can't really do any work, so it really just puts a stop to the session, even if I continue to sit there.
So, not being present in session and not being in relationship with my therapist and not being mentally/physically/emotionally engaged means not doing any work, not making any progress, not learning anything, not really accomplishing anything of any value at all.
A few questions for you to ponder if you want to:
What is it that makes you willingly dissociate and reluctant to try very hard to get out of it?
What is dissociation giving you?
What might a session be like if you didn't dissociate?
What might be difficult about a session in which you didn't dissociate? What could potentially be gained by a session in which you didn't dissociate?
I find it hard to get the balance between accepting and respecting that the dissociation is there for a reason (to protect us) so don't try to force it away if it's doing an effective job vs taking responsibility for trying to push through a bit and not just let old habits that may not always serve me well now take over.
And I totally agree with @NightSky about dissociation protecting us from feeling our feelings. Do you know what specifically yours may be protecting you from? I think, for me, the big feeling that I can't seem to "be with" is shame. That was a fairly recent revelation for me. If you can identify what you can't be with, that may be a useful step?
Not meaning you have to answer any of the above questions here, of course! Just putting them out there in case they're of use but they may well not be!
Just to add - how is your relationship with your T and your level of trust/safety with your T/the therapeutic space? It may be that your dissociation (and your willingness to go with it) are signs that you need to build more trust/safety with your T, that you need more resources in terms of grounding, that you need to work more on stability, that you need more support in place beyond your T (friends, family etc) in order to have strong enough foundations in place to enable you to really go there etc. Perhaps the work is moving too quickly and you're just not ready yet? In which case, very understandable that your head just wants to check out. I'm sure loads of us here can identify with that. I certainly can!
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Laurie2001
Bronze Member
It makes so much sense because that's how we dealt with the pain when we were younger right?
I definitely dissociate at times when suddenly flooded by what we are talking about in therapy or when triggered by something. Its not the same as being out side of myself more like I freeze and maybe my mind goes blank. But I also dissociate int he sense that younger parts come out - I feel so flooded, all these memories like a rolodex of theme come flooding through me and then I just feel like a child overwhelmed and back at home and that's sort of what I become. I'm aware of it happening, but can't really stop it and I guess don't want to. Sometimes I have to go sit in a corner. My therapist is pretty understanding of it, but before I get there and am spacing out she really tries to get me to use my words.
In this hospital I went to they worked with a lot of people with variations of DID. They talked about having safe places for younger parts of ourselves so we could be more in the moment. I couldn't even deal with recognizing I might have some parts. But it made sense. There's this book called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. Its like a manual. Its hard to read without doing it with a therapist although the writer is amazing and she had DID too so she's totally empathic and gentle in the way she talks about stuff. I can only read a little bit at a time because just reading it is triggering for me.
Anyway, that's a lot about me. I just want to say I get it. Maybe you and your therapist can address, as other people said, just a little bit of it at a time.
I definitely dissociate at times when suddenly flooded by what we are talking about in therapy or when triggered by something. Its not the same as being out side of myself more like I freeze and maybe my mind goes blank. But I also dissociate int he sense that younger parts come out - I feel so flooded, all these memories like a rolodex of theme come flooding through me and then I just feel like a child overwhelmed and back at home and that's sort of what I become. I'm aware of it happening, but can't really stop it and I guess don't want to. Sometimes I have to go sit in a corner. My therapist is pretty understanding of it, but before I get there and am spacing out she really tries to get me to use my words.
In this hospital I went to they worked with a lot of people with variations of DID. They talked about having safe places for younger parts of ourselves so we could be more in the moment. I couldn't even deal with recognizing I might have some parts. But it made sense. There's this book called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. Its like a manual. Its hard to read without doing it with a therapist although the writer is amazing and she had DID too so she's totally empathic and gentle in the way she talks about stuff. I can only read a little bit at a time because just reading it is triggering for me.
Anyway, that's a lot about me. I just want to say I get it. Maybe you and your therapist can address, as other people said, just a little bit of it at a time.
I'm at the point I've given up on therapy, for it would require cooperating with the exact same system that victimized me & drove me over the edge. Dissociating as all hell when thinking of therapy / mental health professionals at all, and that's not even touching the trauma itself.
Nope, I'll figure my way through this without them. There's enough published research & self help communities available that are way saner and not controlling to utilize.
But otherwise, I cared. Heckuva lot. As dissociating was opening myself up for abuse. Not safe with predators, at all.
Needed to force myself to be in the moment, and that's not healthy for me, when I have to force it. Ease into it by the habit, yes. Forcing because the people around just aren't safe, and aren't the calming me kind of danger? No.
Nope, I'll figure my way through this without them. There's enough published research & self help communities available that are way saner and not controlling to utilize.
But otherwise, I cared. Heckuva lot. As dissociating was opening myself up for abuse. Not safe with predators, at all.
Needed to force myself to be in the moment, and that's not healthy for me, when I have to force it. Ease into it by the habit, yes. Forcing because the people around just aren't safe, and aren't the calming me kind of danger? No.
NewBeginnings
Gold Member
I dissociate in every session but it is the awareness around it that has been helpful. My T often points out how super valuable dissociation was for me as a child. That was how I was able to cope in the situation. It had a very important function. Now that I am older the same coping mechanisms are not as helpful.
I asked her the same question and said when I do (dissociate) it only affects me and if I am ok why bother? My T has gently reinforced that by doing that I do not allow myself to be present and feel, which limits how much I can enjoy life (building compassion and love).
Every time it happens in therapy, she points out "that brings up a hard memory". It is not the focus of the sessions but we have been building awareness which is helping me to want to learn how to stay present. It is really hard and some days I do better than others but as I am reminded - this is on my time schedule and will happen only when I am really trusting the space is safe enough to face my fears, be vulnerable, and allow myself to feel. Sounds simple but in reality it is crazy hard.
Good luck on your journey.
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