Don't Know How To Get Through This

[Jane.l]

Cutting a very long story very short. My T has been amazing but last week I was drunk and desperate and misunderstood an email he had sent , which was meant to calm me down. I panicked thought he was pushing me away and told him I wanted to cancel any sessions I had with him because I was feeling hurt and rejected.

I apologised a couple of days later and we had a session to discuss it but I shut down and dissociated because I could feel how angry he was with me . He says he is just disappointed it happened but that he is not going anywhere but he was/is so cold and distant from how he usually is . We normally email everyday but this week he is only emailing me about our session timing tomorrow.

I have told him I am totally losing it and that I can't cope without him but he hasn't responded. I am falling apart he is my only support. I have massive trust issues and its taken so long to find the right person - I am devastated.

I am seeing him tomorrow and I am so scared that he is going to just stay cold and distant - I want my T back !! And I am tearing myself up because its my own stupid fault .

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly I think you're overly dependent on your therapist. Every therapist I've been to pretty much said the same thing, that I could contact them outside of session if I was in crisis, but other than that we'd have to stick to discussing things during session. If you need him every day, I think you need a higher level of care than what a therapist can provide. A therapist who allows & encourages daily communication isn't setting strong boundaries or encouraging you to use your own coping skills. So when the lines of communication are cut, as now, the client is left in a state of panic.

Is he encouraging you to use coping skills? If so, dig them out and start using them. If not, that's a problem. It's distressing to see you write that you can't cope without your therapist (in light of the fact that you've said you need daily contact).

 

[digger]

but I shut down and dissociated because I could feel how angry he was with me . He says he is just disappointed it happened but that he is not going anywhere but he was/is so cold and distant from how he usually is .

Are you sure that you aren't just projecting your own anger with yourself onto him? You think he should be angry with you so you are interpreting his behaviour in that way? Perhaps the perceived coldness and distance is him just being careful with boundaries, or being a little unsure of where things are at with you after this?

We normally email everyday but this week he is only emailing me about our session timing tomorrow

.
I know you've been through a particularly stressful time recently, but I do get worried for people when they start saying they are in daily contact with their therapists and don't feel like they can cope without them. Maybe he has realised that you are becoming overly dependant on him and is trying to back off a little so that you can see that you can do some of this yourself?

The best advice I can give is to write all this down and take it with you tomorrow and let him speak for himself.

Thinking of you and sending virtual support for tomorrow x

 

[franciemarnie]

You just have to discuss it with him.

There are usually consequences when a person acts out under the influence. I gave up drinking long ago but I remember I used to write myself notes on my hand before I got drunk on what I should not do under any circumstances because I would get the same disastrous ideas every time.

I'm sorry this happened. How well I remember the remorse.Alcohol can make a person act crazy. It may all turn out okay. Try to stay in today.

 

[scout86]

I agree with the other comments, especially digger1.

How did you expect him to respond when you said you were "totally losing it"? I'm guessing, but the guess is he'd rather talk to you about this in person than engage in an email discussion. Too easy to misunderstand and email sometimes, for one thing.

Like franciemarnie said, there are consequences, but one consequence in this case might be that you learn something. Head to the session tomorrow and see what you can learn.

 

[Jane.l]

Thank you for your replies. Yes I am overly dependent on him but my life has dramatically fallen to pieces over the last year. We have discussed my over dependence and he says its ok for now but we need to work towards me doing it for myself but I have no coping skills apart from really negative ones. I have spent the last few months with some very intense suicidal thoughts and just can't seem to get to a stable place.

He has always encouraged me to email him because I have a hard time with dissociation which makes talking hard.
And yes he is really angry with me - he is like a different person - that's freaking me out too .

 

[franciemarnie]

He may not be the person for you. Time will tell. I had a shrink for 20 years who suddenly became cold, mean and angry though I did nothing to cause this. His behavior reflected whatever the hell he was going thru.

Hopefully you can talk this thru with your T. Maybe he has an issue with the drinking. I don't know. Pure conjecture. You will find out. If you can't talk, maybe you can hand him something written. You know way better than me what works.

He must know the toll his anger is taking on you, that your stability has not been good. I don't care for that - his intense anger. But he's certainly allowed his feelings.

The most important thing is you. Protect yourself. Stay safe. Do whatever you can think of to feel better today.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's a HUGE red flag when a therapist ENCOURAGES dependence upon themselves while not teaching the client any other coping skills. If this is a really bad time for you then he should be teaching you a lot of coping skills. Right now he's actually enabling the crisis behavior and is playing the role of perpetual savior.

Tomorrow ask him why he isn't working on other coping skills with you. A new skill can be learned in just a few minutes in many cases.

I went to an excellent trauma hospital that stressed over and over and over again that we must not become attached to any one person or object in order to cope. We weren't allowed comfort objects and the staff rotated so we couldn't always depend on the same staff member for help.

I think the lines become blurred when's therapist says this unhealthy attachment is ok at first but will have to change later. It can end up being worse for the client overall.

How long have you been with this therapist? Has he taught you any coping skills?

 

[Jane.l]

@ solara I have been with him for nearly a year and we have spent most of the time 'fire fighting ' it's been crisis after crisis - the breakdown of my marriage in part due to the ptsd and in part his narcissism and getting me safely away from him - the breakdown of any relationship with my parents - an eating disorder - a lot of new memories surfacing with flashbacks and sleep deprevation from nightmares . Moving house and settling my children - it's been quite a whirlwind and we never seem to have a moment to deal with one thing before something else takes over.

So no I have no coping strategies - in the beginning he tried to get me to do a safe place but whatever we did I kept getting bad things coming into it. So I think it's more my fault than his - I also have a really hard time with compassion - self compassion - I find it triggering .

I do sometimes think he must really wish he had never taken me on. Perhaps he is fed up now of my over dependancy but I can't see how to get out of it safely. I don't want to be be dependant on him but I can't help it.

 

[digger]

I wonder if there are any extra sources of support you can draw on. I'm thinking maybe more specific ones like for the eating disorder or the alcohol. Maybe having more than one source of support might be useful, or might be overwhelming? I don't know if it's something you would consider looking at. Is it worth talking to your GP about additional support?

It sounds like it would be helpful to go back to looking at coping techniques with your therapist. Because it didn't help at first doesn't mean it won't with practice. Also one size doesn't fit all, if one thing really doesn't work for you then he should be able to suggest something else. My counsellor comes up with new things for me to try until we find something that works. I find different things work better for different problems and situations, but they do need practicing regularly for them to be effective.

 

[Jane.l]

@ digger thanks - I think going over coping strategies and trying to find something that fits would be a really good move.

I don't feel able to talk to my GP or anyone else really - it's taken me decades to be able to speak about things and I only trust my T.

I feel I am on top of the eating disorder - though finding it very hard to eat because I am so upset at the moment.

I think I can get on top of the drinking if things stabilise a bit - I haven't drunk much since the fall out because I am so horrified by my behaviour - so maybe that's an upside .

At the end of our horrible session - he said he thinks we just need to get on and deal with the flashbacks in detail but there's no way I can do that like this . He said well you're having them anyway -( that is true but harsh) and that's different from sharing them I have spent my life actively avoiding sharing them .

 

[digger]

I think without having adequate grounding and coping skills in place, trying to share the content of the flashbacks (if that's what he means) doesn't sound like a great plan to me :confused: Or do you think he means dealing with them in a learning to cope better with them way?

I understand the reluctance and fear of sharing and trusting. It is completely understandable and not something you are alone in.

One thing I am finding helps though is sometimes to share here first in my diary some of the things I want to share with my counsellor. Still doesn't make it by any means easy but it helps unmuddle it a bit in my head first and also getting safe reactions here helps give me more confidence that I will get a safe reaction there - if that makes sense.