Don't Know How To Get Through This

[Deleted member 1860]

Not doing this again? ----you're shooting yourself in the foot. Most of us have had multiple therapists, dare I say? I think you're doing yourself a HUGE disservice by staying with someone who won't teach you grounding skills but wants you to go into detail about your flashbacks----you clearly aren't ready. I've been to more therapists and treatment centers than I care to admit. I'd still be in crisis mode/hospitalization stage if I didn't continue to push through and find the best treatment. I've outgrown therapists. Some haven't been skilled enough to treat me. But, if you think this guy is good for you, by all means continue to struggle with him.

I remember meeting someone in the hospital who had been with her therapist over 6 years. She raved about this woman. By coincidence, I started seeing this same therapist a few months later----no, she wasn't all that. Anyway, the other woman had been in and out of the hospital for 6 years---and all I could think was that she was doing herself a huge disservice by being so loyal to someone who couldn't keep her from going into crisis. Yes, we keep ourselves stable, but after so long being in crisis, I think it was quite clear that this therapist just didn't have what it took to help her healing process. (Trained in trauma, but it ended up being just talk therapy in the end.)

And stop me if I'm wrong, but as I recall, the person saying that this thread is jumping to conclusions----well, if memory serves, she hasn't been in therapy herself. (Maybe I'm wrong----i don't try to keep tabs on everyone else's story, but i do read a lot.) I can spot a red flag from a mile away because I've been in therapy since I was 10. I know a good therapist from a bad therapist. And no, I don't think I'm jumping to anything by saying all of this.

Bottom line, step 1 is safety and stabilization. (Trauma for dummies!) How do you stabilize? It starts with grounding techniques. This guy can't even get step 1 right but you don't want to give up on him?

I doubt his "CBT" degree is even worth the paper it's printed on. How can he say he's a CBT therapist when he won't even teach you CBT skills ? But I digress...

 

[digger]

And stop me if I'm wrong, but as I recall, the person saying that this thread is jumping to conclusions----well, if memory serves, she hasn't been in therapy herself. (Maybe I'm wrong----i don't try to keep tabs on everyone else's story, but i do read a lot.)

In both his posts, @Lost Pup talks about his experience with therapists, past and current.

 

[Lost Pup]

@Solara If you are referring to me who first said I *felt* like some were jumping to conclusions, first, I am a he, and second, I have been in therapy almost consistently for close to a decade.

Every therapeutic relationship is unique. Every person is unique. Every healing process is unique. How could any of us possibly say so strongly whether or not her therapist is a good one or not? We can surely respectfully voice our felt sense of it, sure. But how can we possibly claim we can truly judge this from afar? I feel much more comfortable, personally, urging the OP to investigate these questions *with* her therapist.

Because we are hearing one side of a relationship and we have no way to know what is being activated in either party. Given the litany of traumas and disturbances the OP described, I, for one, am hardly surprised it has been difficult to master any coping skills in the past year. And I may have missed something, but nowhere in her posts did I read her saying her therapist has been unwilling to teach her coping skills or CBT. I read that she has had alot of difficulty utilizing them. I'm very sympathetic to that.

 

[ms spock]

It is good to have discussions like this. I wish I had had this type of advice when I was stuck with bad therapists. Who knows if I would have understood and listened.

 

[Hashi]

@Jane, it's good to feel bonded to a therapist. While I agree with Lost Pup and recommend you hold the possibility that at some times switching therapists can be best, and however impossible that might feel we somehow manage it, it's clear that you don't want to consider alternatives at this point.

What I would say is that if you're decided about working with your current therapist then you need to work with what he offers. You desperately need healthier coping skills so if his approach to that is CBT then you need to work with CBT. If he has other approaches then you need to work with his other approaches. And/or you need to find approaches outside therapy - like here on the forum.

Working on healthier coping skills is really hard and takes time, but abandoning this isn't an option. It isn't an option for your therapist to let you abandon this, either, and I have to say I'm concerned about what's going on here. I'm worried when you say he's young but it doesn't show. Not focussing enough on coping skills sounds like a possible sign of inexperience to me. If that's the case, and you want to keep seeing this therapist, then you have to put the emphasis on coping skills yourself. You can't give up on them or let this slide.

If that sounds like a tough stance, it's meant to be. There's no way around this. There's no other way to get better. Other people (like your therapist) can't do your coping for you. Self-medicating with alcohol isn't enough coping to support you in making any progress. It's an escape. I understand the need for that (I was there a long time myself) but in order to get better you need to learn how to stay present and still be OK.

- I also have a really hard time with compassion - self compassion - I find it triggering .

I'm not sure how this relates to coping skills for you. I don't see compassion as a coping skill, it's more of a long term thing to work on. You can put together a tool kit of coping strategies without addressing compassion. If you're thinking of self-care, then there's a lot of progress we can make with self-care without having to deal with compassion issues.

Those of us who use alcohol to self-medicate can rarely just stop and start doing healthier things. I had to work on better coping skills around drinking. For example, delaying drinking by half an hour or an hour and using that time to practise something that would help me. I couldn't do that with alcohol in the house. I had to come home first, spend the time practising healthier skills, then I'd let myself go out and buy the alcohol.

So no I have no coping strategies - in the beginning he tried to get me to do a safe place but whatever we did I kept getting bad things coming into it. So I think it's more my fault than his

Does your therapist know about the bad things coming into it? Does he know you're not using the technique?

I think the safe place approach is problematic for many of us, and personally I don't use it. I do other things instead. You're not at fault if you can't make it work. All that means is that you need to try something else. Not give up altogether and resign yourself to having no coping strategies.

 

[digger]

I don't see compassion as a coping skill, it's more of a long term thing to work on. You can put together a tool kit of coping strategies without addressing compassion. If you're thinking of self-care, then there's a lot of progress we can make with self-care without having to deal with compassion issues.

Yes. I agree. There is a big difference between the two. I find self compassion very difficult. Self care I am getting better at. Slowly. I have started mostly with practical things to keep me safe (from myself mostly).

 

[macca]

Jane - I'm wondering if there's any possibility you might be reacting to your T in a way to do with your own interpersonal trauma? I ask because I did that myself, only a couple of days ago (posted a thread "Problems in therapy (again)". I was certain my T was negative towards me, and it was complicated by the fact that she used a term that had different connotations for us both - and I took it as the worst thing. I thought very much that I would stop going. But I worked up the courage to text her (don't have her email address) - and said that I was feeling very uncomfortable about further sessions due to it. She rang me back straight away, and we were able to sort it out. She hadn't meant what I thought she meant at all.

I am beginning to realise that I may have projected my expectation that others will reject me onto her, or that if I open up to someone, they will see I'm faulty (she's the first one I've told). I still think she could have been more careful of her words, and she understands that better now too, since our discussion. I think being able to ask her, instead of avoiding (like usual) was very powerful for me. Maybe it's worth a shot?

That said, I agree with the others that you need to get on top of the coping skills before getting into other stuff too much. My T has done that stuff with me first, well before we're getting to the trauma stuff. I suspect from what you've said previously, that your husband has probably drained whatever vestiges of confidence you had (something narcissists are good at), and that learning to cope will make you feel less dependent on your T.

Warm wishes Jane - I hope you are able to work through this. You've done a lot in the last year!

 

[Jane.l]

Thank all so much you really helped me
@macca I know I do this at times too but not on this occasion and thank you for your good wishes they are appreciated.

Just had a really good productive session. My T admitted that he had had some personal issues going on which he was hoping to have covered better, and he thinks that was the anger I was picking up on , he was disappointed with the way I had acted but understood that I was desperate and trying to protect myself - anyway we had a long chat about that - and coping strategies - we are going to do lots of work on them in the next few weeks and see if we can find something that works for me and maybe revisit some of the things that didn't work first time .

We also discussed a personality split thing that I have going on - not like DID - it's different to that and it's hard to describe but finally I could talk to him and now he understands - which is such a good feeling so we are going to do some schema work too.

But the best thing was I could talk !!! And I have to thank all of you for that . I think looking at things differently and taking on different perspectives really helped me think through things. I feel so relieved and more able to face things now .

 

[macca]

So good that you were able to sort out what was going on! I hope you didn't feel criticised at all, it just hit me as I had a similar experience which was mainly me, though in your case, it was your T. Being heard and understood makes such a big difference - it's great you feel more able to cope now.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks Macca - no I thought you were making a helpful suggestion not criticising at all and it's something I do but I just knew it was different this time . Talking felt good , hope I can keep it up !

 

[ms spock]

You desperately need healthier coping skills so if his approach to that is CBT then you need to work with CBT. And/or you need to find approaches outside therapy - like here on the forum.

Working on healthier coping skills is really hard and takes time, but abandoning this isn't an option.

It isn't an option for your therapist to let you abandon this, either, and I have to say I'm concerned about what's going on here...

Other people (like your therapist) can't do your coping for you.

Hashi raises some important points.

I fear for your emotional safety with this therapist.

Be very careful with yourself.

 

[Jane.l]

@Ms Spock thank you - I can see why you would think that . We are going to concentrate on coping skills which will hopefully help.

I guess everyone has to do what works for them and where as solara's no getting attached to anything or anyone clinic may have been right for her that would not be good for me. I need a bond and closeness to be able to do this and I need to feel understood and cared for otherwise I put my barriers up and we get ab no where.

But thank you I will keep an eye on it and its great to know I can discuss things here when I am struggling.