Dont Know What To Do Anymore

[allycat]

I am a combat vet just turned 25 this month it should have been happy and exciting.

A friend and her husband took me to see monster jam, had never seen it, it was fun but at the same time I hate that it feels like I have to force myself to be happy anymore or fake it. Every day it gets harder and harder.

I already had my own demons from before I went in, they say if you have trauma in your past it makes you more susceptible to getting ptsd from deployment. I joined as a combat medic because I've always had a big heart and wanted to help people. I've known I wanted to go into the medical field since I was 5. But the memories haunt me in my sleep and sometimes even when I'm awake. I can still hear friends and others screams and tears. The memories haunt me especially the ones who didn't make it.

I've been home from Afghanistan since July 08 but I don't know if things are better or worse now than they were then. When I first came home they told me I was completely shut off from my emotions and had shut that part of myself down as a survival mechanism, you have to not just for yourself but for the people you work on. Like when my friend another medic was flown in to our trauma team after being blown up by an rpg I couldn't let myself feel anything, you have to shut it off and do your job. If not you might screw up. You never forget a face of someone who dies while your one of the people working on them.

This caused a lot of problems with friends and family especially, they just didn't understand a lot of them I don't think they cared to try. I cant explain why but even though I couldn't feel anything I still had nightmares every night that haunted me they were a lot worse back then that and I was as paranoid as they come, so I started drinking to cope. If you blackout you don't dream or at least you don't remember them. That just cause more issues.

I don't drink any more and I did a lot of work in therapy and it took a loooooong time but I started to feel again and now I feel everything and I hate it. I wish I felt nothing. Apparently when your cut off from your emotions for long enough once you turn them back on you have the emotions of a toddler and cant control them.

Long story short its been a rough couple years, if was honest with myself most of my life has been pretty screwed up. The difference now is that I feel like I've been abandoned by almost everyone. To go along with my mental issues I have spinal damage in a few different places, missing bone in my right shoulder with a grade 2 a/c separation, torn ligaments in my ankle both ankles are unstable among other things.

So now I'm at a point almost all my family has abandoned me. People I thought were friends have faded away. I guess you could call my recent failed relationship karma for me drinking, I ended up moving in with a guy I thought cared about me. After 7 months of us being together off and on, turns out he is a ragging alcoholic. Pretty good at hiding it when he wants to. He could get pretty mean when he was drunk and usually didn't remember later. After being scared of him it got to a point I didn't care. I couldn't take it, hurt me or not I have to get out of this so after a wasted year it finally ended except that he still tries to talk to me here and there. It seems like just to mess with me because it usually ends with him hurting me again.

I don't know what I've been fighting so hard for or what the point of even trying anymore. My lease is up in march and I basically have no idea where the hell I'm going. I don't know who could possibly want me as damaged as I am now.

I'm so unhappy and it just gets worse everyday, it doesn't help that I have no one to talk to. Anyone I have confided in just either screwed me over completely or threw everything back in my face and in the end hurt me. It's hard to trust anyone when everyone you let in your life lets you down. There are only 2 people I'd even consider a friend and I cant talk to them about things. They don't understand and like everyone else I meet are judgemental.

Sadly even though I'm the youngest of 8 kids the only people I really talk to in my family are my parents and half the time its hard to get hold of them. I just feel so alone in the world, like I have nothing to look forward to.

I keep trying to pull myself together to go to school to get my registered nurse but how can I do that when I don't even want to wake up every day. I just don't know what to do. I've reached out to everyone in my life I thought might care but just found more fake people. Don't ever tell anyone 'I'll be there for you', if you don't mean it, because it really hurts to be let down over and over.

I don't have any kids of my own and recently found out I now might have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, isn't that just the icing on the cake. For years I wanted kids more than anything now I might not be able to have them.

I feel like my life has no meaning or worth and the only reason anyone would notice if I was gone is when they needed something. That's the only reason people talk to me is when they want something. I just wish I had one reason or thing to live for. Every day is harder and hiding it is getting more difficult to do.

 

[dms]

Sorry

 

[Spiderallis]

It's hard to do what you've done, and it sounds like you did an excellent job. Very sorry that your friends and family aren't able to help. Perhaps they have such a hard time comprehending the situations you've been in that they're just not capable of giving you proper support. Are you seeing a therapist through the VA? I'm not familiar with military matters, but many people around here are. From what I understand sometimes they offer support groups, it might be a good place to find people who can relate and understand what you're feeling.

While the faces of those you couldn't help may be stuck in your mind, try to think about those you saved- the people who made it home, they wouldn't be there if it weren't for you and your skills. There's dozens of families who wouldn't be the same if you weren't there to help their loved ones. It's harder to see the positives, but well worth the effort.

 

[allycat1988]

No I'm not, the va near me is pretty bad to say the least they have from like 2-3 times as many patients than they really have the capacity for but in March I'm moving but I have no idea where to yet. I can't stay in the apt I'm in now too many bad memories, there's nothing left for me there.

I don't currently have a therapist just a psych doctor that prescribes meds. I'm not on a lot of stuff but I do take stuff to help with my anxiety but I've only been on them since Dec. It almost seems that now that the meds have helped me slow my mind down it causes me to think about things more. So I don't know what's worse having pannic attacks or being able to finally piece together your thoughts only to fully realize how much your life sucks and just doesn't matter to anyone.

I'd be happy with just one person in my life I thought actually cared enough to invest time in getting to know the real me and take the good with the bad and accept me as is. One thing I'm sick of is I don't know what some guys can't just be friends with a girl they have to try something.

I grew up with 6 brothers and was friends with a lot of there friends growing up so I grew up around more guy friends than girl friends yet nowadays, that's hard to find. For instance there was someone I thought was a friend and even though he knew how bad things were in my last relationship and I had told him I wasn't interested in him any other way than a friend, not even a day after my break up he was making inappropriate comments and hitting on me all I could think is are you freaking kidding me.

I now avoid him, it's uncomfortable and weird and I've made it known I'm not interested yet he continues with the comments. It actually kinda hurt me, made me think he was never really my friend he was just interested in one thing. Sometimes I wish I was born a long time ago like in the 1400s when people actually did what they said they were going to do and weren't so fake and corrupt.

 

[Jlso111187]

Wow. I am so sorry. Have you checked where the next nearest (Veterans Affairs) VA is?

 

[Hashi]

I'm sorry things are so bad. I have to say, reading your first post, you've done amazingly well. Getting off drink, having therapy, starting to feel again, getting away from a relationship with an alcoholic... those are all huge.

I want to offer you hope that things can get better. It does take time, though. I know it's hard to go through that time, that work and all the pain while putting one foot in front of the other. I have to focus on making progress rather than the end goal.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress. Please don't think I'm minimising your current situation, but you have done a lot for yourself already and I hope you're giving yourself credit for that. I remember one particularly bad time when everything seem stirred up and hopeless, my therapist saying to me, "This is because you're in the middle. You're not at the beginning any more, you've already come some way on the journey".

I have a view on things that you may not agree with, may not like etc. Please ignore it if you want to. I think when people we thought we could depend on let us down or disappear, it's a sign that we have to learn to depend on ourselves more. We have to work on giving ourselves what we most want from other people. This is true for me, at any rate. I hate it very much and find it very difficult, but I know that I need to learn to support myself better, take better care of myself, and learn to comfort and soothe myself. I think better relationships with other people follow from that. And in the meantime, I'm learning to trust and rely on myself.

Having said that, any good support is so valuable. I hope you'll find it here on the forum. Do you have any options for therapy other than the VA (Veterans Affairs)?

 

[xena21]

It's tough dealing with the VA. There are some good ones out there. They are definitely hit or miss though. Maybe when you move you can look for a better one. I'm not sure where you are, but some areas do have good services. I've heard that there are some good PTSD services in Florida, and I know there's some women's trauma services in Massachusetts. Other than that, I'm not really sure.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to hold yourself together. It's impressive what you have done with so little support.

I think that getting out from your relationship with your boyfriend was a great move. It's good that you stood up and got out. People can be so evil and manipulative sometimes. They can be different than we ever expected.

I haven't had any relationships...I go the opposite way and avoid everyone. I understand though about people and how hard it is to find the ones to trust. There have to be a percentage of good ones out there though right? You're out there, and others on this forum are out there...

I hope you meet up with the good one soon. Stay strong. You already seem to be very strong. i wish you the best.

 

[WillyKat]

Just to echo what Hashi said, you've done some amazing things. A combat medic, off the alcohol, in touch with your emotions...dayum! I know all too well how hard it is to see the good amidst all the bad. And telling us about it, we can see the good and we'll try to help.

There are friends for you here allycat! We'll listen, and we care!