Don't Know What To Do...

[theemotionalcliff]

I know I am new here, but I am having an issue that is kind of strange, but I need some help with it. I definitely have PTSD, and my wife might (my wife was flown to Germany for one of my surgeries and the flight back was full of people missing limbs, on breathing machines, etc - not really sure how she is handling that). My issue is that I have memory issues since my deployment. There are big portions of my life that I cannot remember. There are big portions of what is happening now that I won't remember tomorrow. I have to put stuff in specific spots, use a calender with phone reminders, and receive notifications to keep everything straight. Anyway, that is just lead up to my real issue.

I don't think I like my wife anymore. I mean I care about her and don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I am not sure that I want to be married to her. I don't know if she has changed, or if my PTSD is talking here, or what. Let me explain.

My wife is on the computer a lot. She works all kinds of weird hours. She is willing to go on dates with me, but most of the time it's to dinner. That's because we can't find anything we both like to do. When we go on dates, we don't talk about anything but what the kids are doing or things we need to take care of next. Otherwise, we don't really talk much when we are both at home because she is on her computer watching youtube videos of people playing video games. I can't stand those videos and have even resented the people making them at times. They get to spend more time with my wife than I do. When we have sex (every two weeks or so anymore - I remember it being WAY more often before deployment - but my memory is pretty bad), it's passionless, and she avoids any face-to-face time. I feel like she is not attracted to me anymore, but is afraid to tell me that. My paranoia has made sure that she is not currently cheating, although I don't know if she has in the past. She says she is still attracted to me and she has never cheated on me, but again, my paranoia tells me different.

So, anyway, we have a 15 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. I don't want to divorce, but I also don't want to continue a relationship like this. I am tired and need some passion in my life. My injuries/surgeries have left me feeling like not much of a man. I try to tell my wife this, but she doesn't get it. I have tried to tell her what I need, and at the time I am telling her, she seems like she understands and can give it. But then time goes on, and it's the same old same old. I then bring it up again, and she tells me that I am trying to make the relationship all about sex if I bring up sex. If I bring up other issues, then she plays the guilt trip on me and tells me that it's all her fault and she is a horrible wife and that I am right about everything because I am perfect. Sooooo... I have been keeping everything bottled up for the past month, but I can't for much longer without taking it out on my wife or kids. Even with everything going on, my wife doesn't deserve it and my kids definitely don't.

Which brings me to my questions:

How do you know when it's over in marriage? - mostly for those who are divorced
From what you read, do you think my PTSD is causing the problems here?
Has anyone been able to bring passion back?
How do you deal with bad days when you have them?
What do you do when you are tired and ready to give up?

I had one of those days today where I feel like I am done. I wanted to tear apart my kids, my dog more of a beating than he deserved, and I don't know if I could deal anyone anymore today if I had to. I am about go incredible hulk here and the kids and my mom (who I live with due to not receiving any VA money yet and my wife works minimum wage) I think are sensing it tonight and doing whatever they can to avoid me right now. I wish I knew what brings all this on...

Please help me. I am so tired, so ready to give up on everything. I don't know what to do or where to go. Ugh. I am usually not so needy...

 

[JennyMac]

Ok, first things first...don't hurt your Dog, your wife, your kids or yourself. Anger is temporary and although it can feel like it's consuming you it isn't. If you need some time to get into a safe place mentally then you go somewhere safe and find it.

I know you are tired, and that's ok, you should be. Dealing with this takes up a lot of energy, and tossing around thoughts in your head like you mentioned above is - although normal - is also very tiring. Now on to your questions....

1 How do you know when it's over in marriage? - mostly for those who are divorced
2 From what you read, do you think my PTSD is causing the problems here?
3 Has anyone been able to bring passion back?
4 How do you deal with bad days when you have them?
5 What do you do when you are tired and ready to give up?

#1 - I know since I have been dealing with this I can't trust my thinking - PTSD screws up your perception. So how do you know it's over when you have (what I assume is) untreated PTSD or under treated PTSD. You don't, and you don't have to make that decision right now if you are not sure.

#2 - See #1

#3 - You work at it every day...sometimes it works most times I need practice.

#4 - You just keep going. And when you don't feel like carrying on you keep going....rinse and repeat.

#5 - You get help. You keep trying to get help, and if you still have not found help you keep looking until you find help. You take the help that is given and then you get your spouse some help....cause we are big pains in the ass and they need that and more after dealing with our shit.

You have come to the right place.

Cheers.

 

[theemotionalcliff]

JennyMac,

Thank you so much for your quick response. I am having difficulty with the getting help part. Part of it is that I don't feel I deserve such help/feel like as a warrior I am supposed to just carry on and fix problems myself as I find them. It took a lot of alcohol just to build up enough to post here. The other part is that the VA seems to be dead set on not getting me help for this because the doctors are focused on a newly developed heart issue. So, they mostly ignore me when I talk my mental health issues. This combined with the fact that it is hard enough for me to actually seek help doesn't make any of this easier. Plus, I cannot drive (by order of doctor), so my wife attends my appointments with me. So, I never say how bad things are. I also can't ask my wife to step out, because then I am trying to hide something (which I am) and she wouldn't leave me alone until she found out what it was. I make it a point, with all of my other issues, to not lie. So, if she asked me, I would have to tell her. I just don't think I am ready for that, nor is my wife.

At the same time, I don't think I can ever be happy unless things change in my wife and I's relationship. I still have interests, but it really kills things when I try to share those and my wife just goes, "I'm really not interested". I can't blame her for that much anymore. I do the same to her nowadays. So, we just keep doing the dance of doing what we have to to take care of the kids. We go on our "dates" without much interesting happening, go home, and then go our separate ways. Me to my TV and her to her computer. Why would we do anything else? (rhetorical question here, just a demonstration of my mindset).

I do appreciate the advice, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I need someone to just kick me in the pants and tell me that I need to keep going no matter how hard it gets. And that coming from someone who knows how hard it can get just makes it all the more meaningful.

Thank you!

 

[Ned]

Hello mate. I can't really improve on what Jennymac's said.
There are a lot of people on this site who will recognise your points.
It may be the wrong time of the year for sitting out in the back yard, but have a think about ways to get yourself a bit of space.
I don't know if you have read around this site at all. If not, then by doing so you'll get encouragement.
Onwards and upwards.

 

[JennyMac]

I am in Canada so I am not familiar with your VA system there however there are lots of people on this site that may be able to steer you through it - how to get the help you need, and get the help that she needs as well. I know they will be on here in a bit. I know you need to have a doctor you can talk to - alone - if you can't talk to them alone then you should consider just putting it out there. You don't need to hide PTSD, it's a shitty thing to have but it's nothing to be ashamed of....contrary to what we are trained to think.

As far as not being happy with your relationship all I can say is you have to fix yourself before you can make a fair judgement on anything. Just imagine how her shoes are fitting right now, she is worried about you, and the kids, and a million other things just like you are....only she can't fix you, only you can do that, and if you aren't then all she can do is watch you in pain....and I bet that's a hard row to hoe.

Hope this helps.

 

[theemotionalcliff]

Thank you all for your help! Jenny, you really put things in perspective with your last post. I hope the University marriage counseling can be as helpful. I am feeling a little better with all of the encouragement here. Just knowing that I am broken right now and that it's OK helps me a lot. Also, knowing that I am not the only one helps as well. I just hope that my wife can be as understanding. She has stuck with me so far, so maybe my feelings over the past couple weeks have been just paranoia related. Of course, I have had a bit of the self-medication (alcohol), and I tend to get happy on that. So, we will see how I feel about it tomorrow. I just wanted you all to know that you have helped one person tonight, which is pretty awesome because I was starting to think that there was no help out there for me. Again, thank you all for your help and I look forward to hanging out on this site more often! And show it to my wife (I told her about this site, but not about this post). Again, thank you!

 

[JarHed]

Hey Cliff

All the things that you're feeling right now are normal for someone in your state. I can't really say much more than everyone else has said so well. Just don't beat yourself up about everything. You're still a Warrior, just waging a different battle. If it were possible to do this on our own we'd all be doing that.

Ask yourself this; would you help a wounded soldier who needed help? Would you do all you could for that soldier? I already know the answer is yes to both questions. So, now you're that soldier and we're all here to help. Know this, it can and does get better over time. Even if it doesn't seem so right now. Let us know how we can help.

Jar

 

[Sarg]

Cliff, you're building a wall between your wife and yourself because you don't want her to see into your pain. It was said above, take care of yourself first, then concentrate on the marriage. Ask for a VA psychiatrist now. Tell your wife that you would like to do the first few appointments alone first. Then talk to the shrink about your marriage. He should be able to offer some suggestions on how to cope.

Now is not the time to be making major decisions on ANYTHING. You're in a form of a state of shock. Not unlike the aftermath of a car accidents. If it's a long wait for the VA, see if they have a Vet Center near you and GO!

As Jen so eloquently put it, your perception is way out of focus, what you perceive is not always reality.

Keep coming back here and ask questions.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Dude, I guess your in a bit of a tight spot. Lets see if I can put it in perspective.

How do you know when your marriage is over, well, when she says she cannot handle it and leaves. The fact that she is still there is one big thing. Have you ever thought she might not know how to handle things. Maybe she needs some help and advice too.
Speaking from experience here, my wife left me. She said I was not the person she met and married and she could not cope.

My new wife, well we don't do a whole lot either, we only go to lunch or occasionally to dinner. I am pretty much a bore who hates going outside of my man-cave. We talk though, only because she learnt about the beast.
Get her to read a few of these article....

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Don't go throwing away your relationship mate until you are sure it's over. It's normal to have no real emotions, we call it emotional numbness. In actual fact, you do have emotions, they are just hidden and we forget how to display them, partly the military's fault. They teach us not to cry, not to smile and the only good emotion is anger.

Memory loss is normal in the beginning too, but they will come back. Sometimes the ugly memories come back too, unfortunately, but you will get them back and remembering what day it is will return too.
I still forget the date, what day it is, and what I am talking about sometimes, mostly during high stress periods.

Another thing buddy, have you thought that your wife might have been affected by the whole trip to Germany?? Good advice would be to speak to the VA or a shrink about this, she may have secondary PTSD.

Good luck mate, we are here if you need us.

Jimmy

 

[Zipperhead]

Evening Cliff. Allot's already been said, so I'll just say welcome and leave it at that.

 

[theemotionalcliff]

Again, thank you all for the support and info! The understanding PTSD document was a great read!!! Now I just got to get my wife to read it! I am happy that I found this place and I plan on participating a lot!

 

[CAFTT0607]

Welcome. What everyone else has said is truth. Hang in there and find someone to talk to alone if possible. There are things about PTSD that you just have to deal with one on one with a conselor. Don't give up on your wife yet...she is still there. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what you can't control. It will do you know good. Hope this helps and keep visiting the site and reading...it will do you a world of good.