northstar84
New Here
One of my biggest problems through the years have been episodic in nature usually lasting around a yr or so each time. They are brought on by life changes or progressions I believe b/c I have an intense fear of the future. It is hard to explain and hard for me to understand sometimes but it seems to be my own way of projecting the: belief that I will die young/not live a normal life span. This has been extraordinarily intense for me and honestly very embarassing. I can't remember a time when it hasnt affected me in one way or another. When I was very young I was very afraid of dying in my sleep--not the typical childhood fear, but rather so intense that I would convince myself after a certain hr at night I would be safe, or if i rested my hands a certain way God would protect me. I also believed many foods contained poisons and if I saw something I thought suspicious I would not eat it. These are mild examples of what became completely out of control later in life. It is hard for me admit/accept that I was traumatized by my parents abuse towards each other at such a young age. I have a protection complex pretty severely and want to believe the idea I have in my head of this rather than reality--though again this is mild to what happened later.
After my brothers abuse I began having severe paranoia. I can remember first being afraid of touching dirt/grass. I would not eat any meat b/c I believed it would be undercooked and kill me. I began to be afraid of touching anything--i didnt want to wash my hands bc I didn't want to get soap in my mouth, I ate everything with a fork--even pizza. It was embarassing b/c I knew what everyone was seeing yet I could not control myself. The worst it was was when I started to believe breathing in the air was poisonous and started having trouble swallowing. I'd build up spit in my mouth and spit it out into napkins (in the middle of my 5th grade class!). At the end of the year it magically went away. It lasted approx. a yr.
The next time I had an episode similar in nature it was much more intense. It was following a sexual assault/stalking I had experienced. It began with fear of pregnancy (though there was no penatration involved) and evolved into an irrational fear of having contracted HIV. I suffered with this for again, approx a yr. I was very obsessive and believed I was dying and became very compulsive abt body checking and researching. I type this...and yet in no way does it paint an accurate picture. Staring into a mirror with a flashlight for 8 hrs off and on was a typical day. I was in my first year of college at the time and I could not stand to be a class for an entire lecture and often left to the bathroom to body check. I carried a mirror with me everywhere. Just thinking abt that year makes me feel ill. When it was over I remember thinking I'd die before I went there again in my mind.
The next time after that has been more recent, mainly this past year but has taken on a cpl of different forms. The first is what I initally decided to go to therapy for. Before I'd left to go back to college my father had a long conversation with me for the first time ever talking abt what happened to my brother--it had been 16 years of silence. Ive had nightmares since I was abt 10 but this is when more distressing ones began. I really cant describe them bc they embarass me and make me feel ill. They were sexual in nature and were obviously tied to the past. It was after one particularly disturbing nightmare I began to fixate on the idea that my boyfriend was a pedophile. This was mainly bc our relationship had gotten much more serious & I guess at the end of the day I believe very firmly that my past will be repeated. It was distressing and insane to the point I decided to get help. I honestly went in believing Id get a diagnosis for ocd and really could not function anymore...so I needed some sort of help. I got to the end of this year feeling resolved. Then my boyfriend proposed....
And I am here again stuck in irrational fear/paranoid state that I dying. Two nights after the proposal I had to call 911 bc I thought I was having a heart attack. I basically haven't gotten over it since and have been dealing with extremely intense fears that I am dying from a genetic disorder that will prevent me from having a full life/or being a mother. It sounds silly to type it...but it feels very real. I feel like I can't look at my body and see reality. All I can think is that I dont know who I am and I am desperate to know who I am...as if finding out I am dying will make everything make sense. The paranoia is far reaching from avoiding certain ppl/places/foods/smells, I avoid basic hygeine, basic responsibilities it is much more involved than I can probably type/describe. The worst part is that I now have panic attacks in my sleep & have strange vibrating sensations upon waking. I've lost abt 10 lbs and have a hard time eating.
I know this is very very long, so if anyone has gotten this far thanks for reading.
What I have realized is that there is something connected to the yearly expiration on these things.
My brother's abuse lasted approximately a year.
What is wrong with my mind??
Can anyone relate??
Thank you
After my brothers abuse I began having severe paranoia. I can remember first being afraid of touching dirt/grass. I would not eat any meat b/c I believed it would be undercooked and kill me. I began to be afraid of touching anything--i didnt want to wash my hands bc I didn't want to get soap in my mouth, I ate everything with a fork--even pizza. It was embarassing b/c I knew what everyone was seeing yet I could not control myself. The worst it was was when I started to believe breathing in the air was poisonous and started having trouble swallowing. I'd build up spit in my mouth and spit it out into napkins (in the middle of my 5th grade class!). At the end of the year it magically went away. It lasted approx. a yr.
The next time I had an episode similar in nature it was much more intense. It was following a sexual assault/stalking I had experienced. It began with fear of pregnancy (though there was no penatration involved) and evolved into an irrational fear of having contracted HIV. I suffered with this for again, approx a yr. I was very obsessive and believed I was dying and became very compulsive abt body checking and researching. I type this...and yet in no way does it paint an accurate picture. Staring into a mirror with a flashlight for 8 hrs off and on was a typical day. I was in my first year of college at the time and I could not stand to be a class for an entire lecture and often left to the bathroom to body check. I carried a mirror with me everywhere. Just thinking abt that year makes me feel ill. When it was over I remember thinking I'd die before I went there again in my mind.
The next time after that has been more recent, mainly this past year but has taken on a cpl of different forms. The first is what I initally decided to go to therapy for. Before I'd left to go back to college my father had a long conversation with me for the first time ever talking abt what happened to my brother--it had been 16 years of silence. Ive had nightmares since I was abt 10 but this is when more distressing ones began. I really cant describe them bc they embarass me and make me feel ill. They were sexual in nature and were obviously tied to the past. It was after one particularly disturbing nightmare I began to fixate on the idea that my boyfriend was a pedophile. This was mainly bc our relationship had gotten much more serious & I guess at the end of the day I believe very firmly that my past will be repeated. It was distressing and insane to the point I decided to get help. I honestly went in believing Id get a diagnosis for ocd and really could not function anymore...so I needed some sort of help. I got to the end of this year feeling resolved. Then my boyfriend proposed....
And I am here again stuck in irrational fear/paranoid state that I dying. Two nights after the proposal I had to call 911 bc I thought I was having a heart attack. I basically haven't gotten over it since and have been dealing with extremely intense fears that I am dying from a genetic disorder that will prevent me from having a full life/or being a mother. It sounds silly to type it...but it feels very real. I feel like I can't look at my body and see reality. All I can think is that I dont know who I am and I am desperate to know who I am...as if finding out I am dying will make everything make sense. The paranoia is far reaching from avoiding certain ppl/places/foods/smells, I avoid basic hygeine, basic responsibilities it is much more involved than I can probably type/describe. The worst part is that I now have panic attacks in my sleep & have strange vibrating sensations upon waking. I've lost abt 10 lbs and have a hard time eating.
I know this is very very long, so if anyone has gotten this far thanks for reading.
What I have realized is that there is something connected to the yearly expiration on these things.
My brother's abuse lasted approximately a year.
What is wrong with my mind??
Can anyone relate??
Thank you
