Don't Know Who I Am

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm so sorry for sounding crazy in advance- it's one of those nights!

I really don't remember when I stopped feeling like me and started not knowing who I was. I feel like I don't have a personality- just conform to others personalities while I'm around them. I just don't feel like an individual- nothing makes me particularly special and I don't have any particular interests.

I don't know how to fix this and feel more myself again- especially because I don't feel like I even remember myself. I feel like PTSD just encompasses me sometimes.

None of this is meant in a self deprecating way, I know I have good qualities and am a pretty decent person. I just feel lost lately.

 

[Rizen]

A large part of life is finding who we are, not knowing. PTSD changes our lives but that doesn't mean we can't live and discover again.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Thankyou @Rizen I definitely agree with that.

I don't think I'm explaining myself too well though. I understand I'll be 'finding myself' the rest of my life, however lately I have become such an awkward person, so uncomfortable, and so unsure of myself. I just wish I could go back to where social situations didn't scare me and I was more confident in myself.

Sorry I really think I sound crazy haha.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe in your journey of healing you have stripped yourself back to your core and are soon going to be ready to start re-building your new improved self.

If you think of a building analogy. A building with rotten foundations is often better fixed by a knock down and complete re-build, rather than a few extra support beams added on.

I don't know if this fits to where you are at, but if it does then be gentle with yourself, and just allow yourself to just be as you are without judgements or criticisms. People building homes often comment how long preparing the site and laying foundations take, and how it feels/looks like there isn't much progress....but there is progress... and the better the foundations the better and more resilient the building will be.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

You don't sound crazy to me. I can identify with a lot from your post, especially the part about feeling like nothing makes you particularly special and you don't have any particular interests. Now that I am sober and in therapy, I don't know what to do in my spare time. In a social situation, I generally defer to what everyone else wants and give no input. When I am with someone else, I let them talk and I listen. Most times I just don't know what to say or how to respond. I am just...awkward.

Anyway, sorry for the mini-hijack. I just wanted to share that you're not crazy and you're also not alone.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@ghotiff that is so extremely beautiful. I screen shotted and will look back when I am questioning myself! Thank you so much!!

@Unraveling1 you're not hijacking at all, thank you so much for sharing- it definitely helps me to feel better and less alone. I'm so proud of you for getting sober and have confidence that much better things are ahead:)

:hug:

 

[ghotiff]

@ghotiff that is so extremely beautiful. I screen shotted and will look back when I am questioning myself! Thank you so much!!

Thanks....you are more than welcome. :)

 

[ghotiff]

Its interesting as I look at my journey just before starting (or even seeking) therapy. I started by de-cluttering my house and threw out so many things that it shocked me (and my family). Then I started reading blogs on minimalism and the extreme people who live with less than 100 total items. I see now how that was a mental stripping back of sorts. My commitments to my husband and children means I can't sell everything and travel with nothing but a backpack and discover my core self that way....but reading the journeys of people who did exactly that I think helped me find a piece of my own core.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@ghotiff that sounds so amazing, I'm so glad you've found a way to make things work better for you. I'm going to try to follow your example and be a better, stronger house:D

 

[Suzetig]

I know this feeling well, it describes how I've felt for the past 9 months or so - not being sure about what makes me "me", feeling like the strategies I use for coping don't work anymore and skills and abilities I rely on day to day aren't there when I need them. I feel like my core values are all up for grabs, I feel exposed and unsettled. I've been working on this in therapy and slowly but surely I'm starting to get glimpses of me again but it's been so hard to get to this point and I'm not there yet.

Things that have helped me is asking trusted people (who know a bit about what's going on for me) to send me five words to describe me and putting all of these into a word picture, I've rewritten my CV (resume) to include recent work achievements - while I don't think I believe what I've written it's hard to dispute hard evidence of particular skills and abilities, I also use my journal to get stuff out of my head and onto paper - seeing it in black and white helps me process things. To be honest though my T has been fantastic at unpicking my sense of being lost and gently challenging my perceptions when needed. I feel for you, it's a horrible place to be.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy and the truths were being revealed to me, I felt like someone had picked my up by ankles and shook out every part of me and there was nothing left. I had to start over and I started therapy in 1985 so it has been quite the journey. Now I am real and I love myself, just realized this today. I can so relate to what you are experiencing. The first thing I did was to start listening to music where the words had such great meaning. I have changed so completely now. I am a very strong person that has survived so much hell in my life. I wish you the best with your healing and recovery.

 

[Nevermore]

This is an old post but I am feeling this strongly at the moment.
Last year I went on what wS supposed to be a short voyage of self discovery - I walked part of the camimo - thinking I would rediscover the me who loved to be with others.
What I discovered was a lot of fear of others - and it's what propelled me towards this site and also more intensive therapy.
I'm so different post trauma than the person I was before! I get anxious that I will never feel comfortable with new people, new situations even though I long for change.
I spent today with a friend of many years. She is very confident and quite eccentric - often hard to connect to. She is funny warm and sensitive but the lack of being able to connect frightened me!
I realise I depend a lot on the very few others in my life to remind me of who I am - and realised also that was my fear on the Camino.
Who am I out there all on my own?
Why do I struggle so much with my own identity?
The one thing I knew about myself before my whole life caved in was that I did love and care for others. But my loving and caring did not prevent the death of my loved one. My loving and caring did not stop me being abused - in fact opened me up for it.
Now I feel like I live in a bubble. I'm inside it and everyone else is outside. I'm safe, if lonely.
I really hope this changes in my life.
Living so protectively and so isolated doesn't feel like living in the true sense of the word. It feels like hiding.
I really do miss just being able to enjoy the company of others.
Feel like there's something I'm failing to understand. Really missing knowing who I am
)-;