Don't Remember My Marriage

[Jade-]

Actually, it's not that I don't remember my marriage, I know that I was married for a very long time. I know that it was abusive, I know that we had children together, etc.

It's more like my mind won't allow me to think about it? Like I said, I was married a very long time, 30+ years, and at first when I left him/divorced him. I had so many emotions about it and really struggled with anger, resentment, etc. And now I just feel absolutely nothing about him or the marriage. I don't think about him, I don't have any memories of all those years. When I try to think back when our kids were little it's like there's a brick wall in my head that's preventing any memories at all about anything that has to do with the marriage.

People seem surprised that I am doing so well about the divorce and that I have moved on so easily and quickly. But have I? or am I just dissociating it all away and one day it's all gonna come back and bite me in the ass?

IDK.

 

[OM_™]

Sounds as if life has been rough for you and you did what was needed to bring up a family and blocked everything out. Yes, you have probably dissociated and if you can't remember stuff it has probably already affected you and have become numb to having your ass bitten (metaphorically).

As well as the PTSD, do you have MDD?

 

[Friday]

It's more like my mind won't allow me to think about it? Like I said, I was married a very long time, 30+ years, and at first when I left him/divorced him. I had so many emotions about it and really struggled with anger, resentment, etc. And now I just feel absolutely nothing about him or the marriage. I don't think about him, I don't have any memories of all those years. When I try to think back when our kids were little it's like there's a brick wall in my head that's preventing any memories at all about anything that has to do with the marriage.

That’s exactly how (one of the ways, anyhow) my brain utilizes disassociation to Avoid trauma / distressing memories/thoughts/feelings… when things are too much, by denying me access TO them… except I describe it as a huge white wall, or ice wall; featureless, stretching on into infinity.

I’ve written about it from time to time when I’m in a better headspace than I am, now, so I’ll post a couple of them below. Either links or behind spoilers. Both the featureless wall between me & my memories, and the bizarre dual/memory thing I had going on for a couple years that mirrored our custody plan. (When I had my child with me? I remembered everything from when he was with me, and nothing from when he wasn’t. And vice versa.)


That wall? Is TOTALLY a PTSD thing. Criterion C Avoidance

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidence by one or both of the following:

1. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).
2. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

So the GOOD NEWS is that this is something a badass trauma therapist can totally work with / has mad skills & training in. The BAD NEWS is that regular therapists do NOT have those skills and training, and will often attempt to push past that wall without understanding the consequences of doing so, nor how to do it safely / how to prepare. Regular therapists think of traumatic avoidance like normal-life being afraid to face something, or repressed feelings, etc.. Which. It. Is. Not. Being afraid to face something, repressed feelings, etc., the trick IS to face it, talk it out, etc. Similarly? Most good friends who do not understand trauma ALSO tend to “Just TALK to me. You’ll feel better!” (Normal life woes? Yes. PTSD & Trauma? NO. Big no. Huge no. Seriously big bad juju no.) Do that with Traumatic Avoidance and “rapid decompensation” (bullet train to psychosis & suicide) are the expected outcomes. Not feeling better, which is the expected outcome to talking about normal life problems. Traumatic Avoidance has to be handled reeeeeeally carefully.

NEVER knock down a wall, without knowing what’s behind it, and having a plan in place to deal with the fallout. Think of it like, normal life is knocking down a wall in a house, to open up the space. All well and good (as long as it’s not a load bearing wall, and a normal therapist hearing “divorce” will not even think it’s load bearing). Traumatic avoidance walls, however, are like knocking down a dam. With hundreds of millions of gallons of water, and thousands of pounds of concrete and rebar, that will explode outward crushing everything in its path if you punch a hole in it.

People seem surprised that I am doing so well about the divorce and that I have moved on so easily and quickly. But have I? or am I just dissociating it all away and one day it's all gonna come back and bite me in the ass?

I would say… yes …to both. Your mind is protecting you, now, and once you’re in a “better” place and can more “easily” handle what’s behind the wall? It will either come flooding out & kick your ass, or if you have a reeeeeally good therapist you might be able to control the flow, and do so in ways that don’t nuke your life.

 

[Jade-]

@OM_™ , no, I do not have MDD also, just PTSD. I don't know exactly when I blocked it all out, I didn't even realize I had really until recently.

@Friday ,

I was just thinking about all of this and what you have said and I do believe you're right, that my mind is protecting me. I honestly don't know how I would be able to function if I was able to actually think about or remember everything all the time. Cause I just realized I do remember sometimes, like when I have had any kind of contact with him, even a simple text can send me on a downward spiral from all the shit he put me through that comes flooding back.

I guess I had to put that wall up to be able to work, to function, to be able to live life on my own. I was living in so much fear from him before but now, it's like it never even happened, that I wasn't even with him and never even was married, it seems kind of bizarre actually. That cotton head feeling when I try to think about it feels bizarre too.

But, I am glad to know this is common with PTSD, thank you for explaining. And yeah, one of these days I def need to get back into therapy and deal with it.

 

[Jade-]

WTH am I doing in a new relationship when I haven't even worked through/processed the old one yet?

 

[Friday]

WTH am I doing in a new relationship when I haven't even worked through/processed the old one yet?

I’m a pretty firm believer in “the best way over one man is under another”!

Love. It.

And ending a normal relationship for whatever reason? (AKA Not abuse).

Count me in.

That said? I refused to date -or f*ck around- for 5 years, when my abusive marriage ended, just because all the stats I read for people in my situation (female, married, parent of minor children, opposite sex relationships, ABC-XYZ types of abuse, etc. etc. etc.) looked like

- Less Than 2 Years Single = Nearly Everyone Ends Up In Another Abusive Relationship
- More Than 2 Years Single = Flip A Coin
- 5 Or More Years Single = Nearly Everyone Chooses Healthy Relationships / Avoids Abusive Ones

The bell curve changed around quite a bit depending on various factors (male, but otherwise identical situation = less than half the time, dating instead of married, kids/no kids/grown kids, same sex relationships, etc., etc., etc., all changed the clock & percentages around in various ways. If you’re interested in what your own would look like? Google abusive relationship stats. It’s been -and still is- studied out the wazoo so there are huge data sets.

Clearly “nearly all/none” mean there are people who beat the odds. Me’own’self? Is sooooooo not one of those people! If there’s some stupid statistic I don’t wanna be a part of? I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Not dating or f*cking around was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done… both because I’d rarely been on my own for more than a few days since I was a teenager, and sex is my hands down favorite stress-management tool AND grounding tool. LeSigh. I figured I’d get better at it over time / simply needed practice. Nope!!! Come to find, I’m just one of those people who is soooo much better inside of a relationship than outside of one.

If the time I had with my kid wasn’t the single most important thing to me? I don’t think I’d have lasted. But even the best relationships take TIME. Serious time. And energy. Which I wanted free for my kid. Ditto, I knew as a single mom I was now the target of pedos in addition to assholes. Neither of which I could bear to bring into his life, my own stuff aside. So I waited. And. Was. Blown. Away. At the changes in myself over those years… as I reverted to who I was / the standards I held before my first abusive relationship. When by the end of my last one? The sum total requirements I had for a man? Arms. (Amputees need not apply!) Snort. I’m dead serious though. Arms. (Or a good lean, if an amputee). Because my standards had sunk sooo loooooow that all I wanted in the whole world? Was to be held.

To be clear? I’m not saying don’t date. I’m saying that for ME, one of the few really good decisions I made during those early years was not to date. For other people? What’s good/better/best for them, and their own lives, will be different.

 

[Jade-]

To be clear? I’m not saying don’t date. I’m saying that for ME, one of the few really good decisions I made during those early years was not to date. For other people? What’s good/better/best for them, and their own lives, will be different.

Honestly, I had a really hard time being alone at first before meeting the guy I am seeing. I had never been on my own or alone because I got with my ex when I was 18. So he was actually my first adult relationship. This is my 2nd one.

I do feel like I am learning so much about myself and how I relate to others by being in this relationship (situationship, friends with benefits, whatever it is) and what I want/ don't want in a relationship. I have my own place, I work and support myself and am not dependent on him other than companionship. I have vowed to never live with a man again and I def don't plan on ever getting married again. I can walk away from this guy anytime I choose to.

So maybe it's not so bad/wrong for me to be doing this. IDK though, I guess time will tell. I just kind of feel like I should be working through the old relationship

*the statistics are not good for those who have been in abusive relationships but it's good to see that after 5 years there's hope.

 

[Jade-]

Well I had to have contact with my ex and now I do remember everything.

So there's that.

 

[Jade-]

Well I had to have contact with my ex and now I do remember everything.

So there's that.

And now it's affecting how I feel/think about the person I am seeing because my mind keeps telling me that he's the same as the ex. Logically I know he is nothing like him at all but my mind is pretty convincing.

I feel so unsafe. It's hard to breathe. Old memories of the ex and his abuse keep swirling through my mind.

It's so understandable now why my mind protects me from this. I just wish I could control whether I remember my marriage or not. Right now would def be a good time to forget it again

 

[OM_™]

I feel so unsafe. It's hard to breathe. Old memories of the ex and his abuse keep swirling through my mind.

Sounds like you haven't forgotten anything. Anxiety/panic attacks tell me that I remember too much. I sometimes feel like I have amnesia, then 'Bang' it all comes flooding back in fine detail and I feel like I want to run. Have you read 'The Body Keeps the Score'?

 

[Jade-]

Sounds like you haven't forgotten anything. Anxiety/panic attacks tell me that I remember too much. I sometimes feel like I have amnesia, then 'Bang' it all comes flooding back in fine detail and I feel like I want to run. Have you read 'The Body Keeps the Score'?

Yeah, I know, I haven't forgotten anything. It all comes flooding back when I have to have some form of contact with the ex. Before this contact though the memories were gone.

And no I don't think I have read that book. Thanks..