Don't See The Point Of Going To.my Friends Funeral.

[HëllaBubz]

A long time ago, in another life, I had a friend in early highschool. She stuck by me and we remained in touch for the last 10 years. She and I were severely bullied, but she was an amazing girl who despite her physical handicaps, always tried.

She was the little engine that could.

Fast forward to 2 days ago....at the age of 27 she is dead from a rare aggressive brain cancer/tumor that rendered her incapacitated from 8 months of discovery.

I used to do palliative/high care. She lived 2 hours away, and we couldn't get to each other due to having a baby, and the sheer distance. I had an inkling that I wouldn't be able to go see her, but I tried to make contact and she said she could only see me.

I made sure and asked her if she was too stressed, or if she really wanted me there, but never got a reply.

Based on her posts, her pictures, it was a cold hard fact that I knew she would be extremely lucky to see Christmas this year....after seeing recent photos I knew she had even less time.

I've allowed myself tears because losing her does hurt. But she's not in pain anymore, so I'm glad of that.

I don't see the point of taking myself and my 17mo toddler to a building full of crying strangers and old school bullies over 2 hours away on public transport.

I don't need that, and neither does my child. Death is final, and regardless of the loss and my own personal beliefs, I believe in just accepting and rolling with the punches so to speak.

Attending won't being her back, and she won't know if I did attend, because she's dead.

Does anyone else understand?

 

[Tanishq]

It seems you are upset deep down losing her and at the same time you are glad she is not in pain anymore. It seems tough to decide for you.

You wanted to be there for her, you tried and now she is not anymore.

May be go to her grave some other day when you are strong to face the fact she is not in this world, but asleep peacefully somewhere.

Big hug to you Bubzilla. Sorry to hear this news of passing away of your friend. :hug:

 

[moonbeam]

I understand that feeling and urge. But at the same time funerals are a finalising way to say goodbye. I have attended some in the past and found them to be understandably miserable. But since missing one 2 years ago for financially/distance reasons I really regret not going. Even if she isn't in her body to be physically near her might have helped. I'm hoping to go to her grave sometime soon but its far away so really depends on money and things.

I think the issue is really are you really missing it because she won't actually be there and all that? Or are you missing it because of how difficult it will be in terms of transit, time/distance, toddler, plus being in q depressing atmosphere? And are you likely to regret if you aren't there?

Also sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a lovely person.

 

[digger]

Honour her in your own way. Do what feels right for you. If going to the funeral doesn't feel like the right thing to do for you, that's okay. It's absolutely okay.

I'm sorry for your loss, it sounds like she was a good person to have had in your life xx

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Sorry for your loss @TheBubzilla. I echo @digger; honour her, grieve for her, and say goodbye to her your way.

From what you have said, not only would she understand if you chose not to go, and would appreciate a more personal, heartfelt farewell. X

 

[Friday]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

I go to most wakes. I go to few funerals. I hate funerals. I've been to too many damn funerals.

My rule is that my attendance has to either help myself, or someone else there.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

Exactly what I told my OH today when he asked if I wanted to go. Funerals are merely an expensive coping mechanism where people pour their guilt and sorrow out of their wallet into something that makes them feel better.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's alright not to go. I have missed funerals before for various reasons. Sometimes I didn't hear about it until afterwards, other times I simply couldn't get there. Not to mention the fact that dead people scare me and I can't stand to be in their presence. :confused: But it's alright. Ultimately, it's just a ceremony that only means as much to you as you want. If it really bugs you then you could send flowers. But I think going to the grave is a cool idea. It's what I do.

 

[ihateusernames]

It is perfectly okay to not go. I also usually attend wakes, but not funerals. But you don't need to be at either. Do your own thing to honor her memory. It can even be at the same time as the funeral. But you're not going to be offending your friend by not putting yourself in a miserable situation where she can gain no benefit from your presence..

 

[anonymous]

Funerals are for the living.

Honor her in your own way, as you choose.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I agree with the others. Honor her in your way, and that will feel more 'right' than traveling 2 hours with a little one to a funeral that will stir up memories that should stay 'asleep'. I believe she would understand.

In honor of my daughter, and then my dad, I sent helium balloons up, with something written on them. As they float away, let yourself remember the good times, and say goodbye. You can do it more than once if you need to!

 

[LuckyDuck]

I get. Especially for the older school bullies being in attendance part.