Don't Take This The Wrong Way, But I Don't Want To Fit In Here.

[maddog]

Thinking of you Burke, and so sorry to hear it's tough today. It must be the day for it - have had a shocker myself. What have you done with your day? Is there something small yet pleasureable you can do for yourself to try to find a little respite?

I'm going to go and sit in the last of the warm afternoon sun before it disappears and try to soak up some of its warmth. Hopefully a little of it can find its way to you too.
Maddog

 

[Burke]

I do not want to be defined as a victim. I want to be defined as a survivor. I don't feel like a survivor. What is a survivor? What does that look like? Just because you are alive doesn't mean you are a survivor. I don't feel like I have survived this yet.

 

[ms spock]

I relate Burke to the above post. I really do.
ms spock

 

[Jaybird3939]

I find myself falling in to the victim mode more than I would like. A couple of jobs I've had, the bosses were manipulative and sometime deliberately cruel. I would go home at night and immediately blame myself rather than them. I think, for me, it comes from the guilt of making it thru, physically, while others in my family died. I was treated like a little "Oh poor you" for so long, that I started letting myself become victim first, Janine second. Luckily, I'm coming out of it, mostly due to a job where I am in charge of a lot of different stuff, and if things go wrong, I can't go slinking back into victim mode. Haven't had family or many friends to help out, maybe it wouldn't have taken so long if I'd been able to get support at home. Anyway, I try to make sure my first reaction to something isn't from a victim's perspective, but an Office Manager who can take control of any situation & make it come out right! Good luck all. Keep your chin up!
Janine

 

[Helliepig]

Hi Burke, welcome to the forum.

I have a different story but can relate to your desperation as your old coping tecniques stop working. I also relate to the feeling of impending death and agree with earlier comments that that is a common feeling in PTSD, (I still feel it but not as strongly or as often). I have come to realise it is a complex mix of dread and deep grief and the experience of thinking you were going to die back then.... it's not about the future at all, but it hangs over you from the past and feels current, like so much of the crap from PTSD.

I found that when my coping mecanisms started to fail that was the start of having to face up to things - I had run out of other options. Your brain doesn't want to face the awful pain until it has to, but one day it will be ready and at that point it grows out of needing coping mechanisms.... it's truly scary but it is a sign you are moving forward.... don't give up. Therapy can get truly awful but sometimes the awful bits pass surprisingly quickly; the fear that you will get stuck there is old stuff because the child in you HAS been stuck there. Time she was rescued and shown diferently.

It's hard to believe other people when they say you will get there, I know, I've been sitting where you are for so long - 17 years since I started trying to heal myself!! Now I have a good therapist I finally am starting to see what people mean. Hang in there, it is definitely darkest before the dawn

hx

<Helliepig, please remember the full line spaces between each paragraph. Thanks Amethist>

 

[Burke]

Thank you all for the kind words. The last few days have been a little better for me. I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I can't quite see it yet. Instead, I am trying to focus on looking forward to little things each day.

I have a question for you. Should I keep writing here on this thread since it is an introduction, or should I be writing somewhere else? I would like to say a little more about the feelings I am experiencing, but I am not sure I should do that here.

 

[Deleted member 11177]

Hello Burke,

Both my parents were killed in a vehicle accident at he age of 11 and im here to talk anytime.
Keith.:)

 

[The Albatross]

If you're not yet comfortable in the trauma diary section, here is fine as long as you like I think.

 

[Burke]

Trauma diary sounds like a place where I am going to go and tell every bad thing that happened to me. No thanks! I think I am just looking for some occasional validation.

I am curious about relationship issues related to CPTSD. I am married and my husband is actually a pretty good guy. The problem is, when my symptoms started to peak, I completely detached myself emotionally from him. I can't stand the thought of him even hugging me. I have explained to him that the best thing he can do for me right now is give me space. I was spending at least half of my therapy sessions dealing with our relationship issues. With some guidance from my therapist, I realized that I need to focus on getting myself better before I can begin to fix my relationship issues. Can anybody relate to this emotional detachment? Will it ever change?

 

[The Albatross]

Will it change is up to you Burke, can it change? Yes.

 

[The Albatross]

I have resolved the emotional detachment... but not the intimacy issues. It does change with guidance and support.

 

[wcdean]

I do not want to be defined as a victim. I want to be defined as a survivor. I don't feel like a survivor. What is a survivor? What does that look like? Just because you are alive doesn't mean you are a survivor. I don't feel like I have survived this yet.

I don't want to be a victim or a survivor, I want to be Clayton. Yes, it is true that some days are better than others. Is this any different than someone who has not experienced a traumatic event? I certainly don't think so. I am here and now, I can no longer define myself by my memories. I will not let my past determine my future. Fight to be yourself, not a label.

It is an ongoing struggle, but you are not alone. Welcome.

I will share as well, as I have felt anger of the victim and I have felt the guilt of survival. I was dead inside for many years. Only recently have I started seeking help for my accident, which was 14 years ago. Only recently has my wife begun to understand so many things that used to drive us apart. It will get better, as Albatross said, but it takes work from both of you, more effort from you and more understanding and accepting from him. Not accepting you, but rather accepting that he cannot "fix" the problem. That was the hardest for my wife, who is on here as well, to finally come to terms with. It is human nature to want to help, to want to fix whatever is causing a loved one pain. Unfortunately, it cannot be fixed; it must be accepted for what it is and overcome in one way or another. Coming here has helped both my wife and myself tremendously.

I think once you feel comfortable opening up here that you will reap the full benefit of having a vast support network who understands what you are feeling, sometimes more than you yourself may understand. It's somewhat hard to believe, "who knows me better than me?", but there is much wisdom here and I think you'll find that sometimes we can help you explain things to yourself, which for me was the biggest contribution to my journey to find me again.