Downhill slide and terrified of what to do?

[Anib]

A lot has been going on in my life the past couple of months. I am holding on to my job by a thread, I had a huge fight with my daughter about a month ago and she informed me last week that the planned visit to see me on the way to her summer work assignment was off as she was too busy with other things. These are all difficult in and of themselves but my myriad of doctors seem to be playing medication roulette again with them each changing meds either because my new insurance company won't cover past meds that actually seemed to work.

I have been going back and forth suicidal ideation and went so far as to write letters to my children which I have never done before. My T and spoke about my state of mind at our appt. on Tuesday and I see him again tomorrow. I recognize that I most likely need something more than I am getting right now but I don't know what local hospitalization programs don't have any specialization or expertise in PTSD. I can't imagine being able to afford any programs away from where I am. Add to that the fact that I would have to work something out with work but I could find that if I try to do anything I won't have a job anymore.

 

[Inoti]

Add to that the fact that I would have to work something out with work but I could find that if I try to do anything I won't have a job anymore.

Hmmm. Your job versus your life. Which is more important? How do you think your children would answer that question?

 

[Upuja]

I would need to agree, job vs life. Life wins everytime!

 

[Anib]

@inoti, thank you responding. If my son didn't live with me at this point I would say to hell with the job. If his sister is any indication then once he leaves for college he won't need me any longer either. I blame myself for all of this because I swore to myself and kids when their dad walked out on us I would beat the depression, I would find myself and be the mother that they needed. Instead here I am nearly 13 years later I haven't beat my demons back, I more and more with each passing month that I can't figure out if there is anything to actually worth staying on this planet.

 

[Oco]

Don't let past defeats get you down. The only people who never fail are the ones who never try.

I know depression is hard. I've been there. So have most of the people here.

I've heard parents say they would kill or die to protect their children. Staying alive for your children might be a better option. They might not appreciate you now but chances are they will eventually. I miss my father every day. He was a difficult man sometimes but he was a good man too.

Fight for your kids, Fight for yourself. Don't let the depression win.

 

[Itigo]

Break down that first paragraph to three individual things. Rolling it all up into one big ball can drive me closer to the edge/unwell mindsets. Try to deal with them individually. The job - what strategy plan can you employ to improve? The disappointment from a canceled visit - what tools do you have to manage disappointment. The medication changes -monitor those separately and educate yourself (maybe with advice from the pharmacist about what to expect/watch for), track/log it and then you'll be able to report accurately to your prescribing physician. ???

 

[Anib]

the idea of breaking things down is good but also easier said than done. For the job, I have been struggling with finding a new job because the field that I work in almost always requires relocation and I was hoping to hold out until my son graduated from high school. The meds I feel like it is a losing battle. This past fall after years of trying to find a combination that worked I was feeling great, trying things I had never tried before, stepping out of the cave I have spent my life in, then in the blink of an eye my employer changed insurance carriers, my A/D med was no longer covered and I don't have another $400 a month to pay cash. My Pdoc read their letter that said I have to try at least two of five other meds before they will cover the ones that work. I have taken all of the 5 with no success but that was over 3 years ago and 5 states away. Getting those records is like getting the keys to Fort Knox. So this past week we decided to try and work the system, try at least two of the meds I know don't work and go from there, low and behold I went to fill the prescription at the pharmacy and that med isn't covered by my insurance either. Nice, great job of just screwing people around until we just don't use the insurance anyhow.