Easily Offended And Hate It!

[Philippa]

The cause of sensitivity is also not IMHO, hypersensitivity either in correlation with PTSD, but more due to the core of emotion that PTSD entails, being negative emotion over positive, so we become easily upset for no apparent reason.

This makes sense to me. Looking back on behavior from the past, things that really weren't the end of the world, like someone drinking my wine and replacing it with a different bottle, would evoke severe outbursts that turned violent even, and whilst my previous self would have probably judged someone else behaving this way as 'petty', it was beyond even a rational thought process, just stemmed purely from that anger that came from the trauma.

It then would upset me even more to know that my behavior was so unlike my previous way of responding to situations, and left me feeling impotent to adequately respond consciously, instead being at the mercy of my anger. I think for most people this would be bewildering at best, but for someone who is quite conscious and self-aware, like me, it was devastating.

I can look back and say "Oh, that was all purely from ptsd", but, at the time, I don't think I would have even believed it...I just was so terrified of what I was becoming...no explaination would satisfy.

It comes back to the toilet paper roll being the wrong way round and suddenly you go off in anger. It has nothing to do with the toilet paper roll, but more simply your internal cup of stress is full, so what looks like hypersensitivity is more apt a foundation that is PTSD at the anxiety core.

Yes, though, when I try to recall what I was really feeling at times like this, it was hard to identify the anxiety. Sometimes I can recognize it as being anxiety, and other times it seems to be occuring on such a deep level that I don't even realize it's there, I just act out.

 

[Philippa]

My error actually. Sorry about that.

No problem.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own thoughts, to the point that sometimes I don't let it go. And really, I was hyper sensitive for a long time. Then I "grew a pair" and took a total 180* turn. If anyone said anything that I interpreted as an attempt to offend, I'd call them out for a fight. Now, nothing like that. Though I won't hesitate to give them the finger.

I find, for me, it's about not letting the person 'get away with it', as though standing up for myself at every perceived slight is the most important thing. I used to be the other way though, where I would avoid conflict at all costs and be passive just to "keep the peace"...but I came to understand that in life conflict happens, and it doesn't have to be a huge terrible ordeal, infact much growth can come of it,but not if you avoid it in the first place. Conflict resolution is a very valuable life skill I think, and it requires effective communication, which I strive for.
So, to go from being extremely passive, to then deciding it was time to learn how to stand up for myself, but then, due to ptsd, take that to the other extreme and not be able to let the issue slide without taking a bite out of someone...well, it certainly is an interesting journey, and balancing things out seems to be the name of the game.

Hmmm. That's hard. It really is.

Sure is. Even harder to be starting back at square one when I used to be really good at letting it all slide off a ducks back and not take everything so seriously or to heart. THAT'S hard. To be at the bottom staring up at what seems to be a huge mountain that I used to be at the top of and now have to climb again, and re-learn how to be able to.

The funny thing is, that on this other forum I'm a part of, I seem to act in extremes there, whereby I will be easily offended by some things people say, and perceive it the wrong way (which is already so easy to do on the internet when tone of voice is missing from the equation), but then I find I will act as though I am back to my old self, and start being extremely blunt and offending people as though I don't care...maybe in a vain attempt to get back to where I used to be...not that I was ever into offending anyone, but I didn't walk on eggshells either and I could take it if someone said something bluntly to me, and even appreciated it when they did.

 

[anni]

Funny how various people have various manifestations. Does anyone know if that's specific to each person because of basic personality types only or is it more complicated than that? Anthony lashed out in the past-the anger, as do others I've read here. I squish like a bug mostly-the knee jerk shame thing is the WORST and will leave me off balance for days and days and days to the point of quite seriously losing track of who the hell I am-feel unrecognizable to myself. With the anger issue it's walking away, with the squishables amongst us it's the squaring UP to whatever or whomever and standing ground but also without dissolving into complete and utter reactivity.

The stop signs :) I copy tons of things from Google for handy, helpful items to have around with this stupid thing. I'm never blowing smoke when I say sometimes ( most days ) it's a matter of adjusting my head each and every morning into some semblance of order to get through the day in order to stay contained. If something happens like happened to you all the tools simply don't work that day-wish they did! The signs and things help readjust somewhat, maybe stop the stupid self-loathing loop.

 

[Philippa]

It is interesting isn't it.

I never used to get angry. When I was a teen and in my early twenties, I literally believed there was absolutely no reason to get angry about anything. Talk about a 180 degree turn around. I'm definitely someone who lashes out now, I don't hold back either, and I can be very cutting...though I do my best not to and am much better at taking my time to go over what I wrote and edit it and not just impulsively post something that is too off kilt. I've come a long way really...still have a way to go though.

I also used a STOP sign visual that I designed myself, depicting a nazi geSTOPo agent holding up a STOP sign to me, a while ago...not sure where I put him?

I hadn't really thought about it from the 'squishables' point of view before. I guess it's a balance for both parties to not be too extreme either way, and be able to maintain our dignity and stand up for ourselves at the same time. Good thing we're all in the same boat here. At the other forum I am at, it's much harder to get people to understand that I'm not just a lunatic!:alien:

 

[Kintsugi]

Perhaps my understanding of terms is incorrect, but when you are hypervigilant, you are "ultra-aware" of what is going on. Hypersensitivity is where you are, as you described, *too* sensitive to what is said.

Philippa, I agree that this doesn't seem like hypervigilance, and I think anthony's response was accurate about heightened emotional response. I read this last night (posted by anthony in Complex PTSD forum), and it really spoke to some of my 'hypersensitivity' issues: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/complex-ptsd-and-emotional-flashbacks.13765/[/DLMURL]. I have been called "soft" or "sensitive" since the beginnings of my memory, which is also the beginning of my memories of trauma. I have gone through several stoic phases, but when I am under a lot of present emotional stress, particularly in relation to my family, I tend to break down about the little things. This especially happens when I am making some sort of conscious progress on my symptoms, as well. I think it's because I become overly preoccupied with progress, so little obstacles become overwhelming challenges, and I'm trying so hard but feel like a failure, and then I overreact and become very emotional and easily hurt or set off into a rage, or I try to abandon people I care about. The article I linked to above describes similar moments as "catastrophizing." I identified highly with his descriptions.

Good luck. *hugs*

 

[Philippa]

Hi miss antiSunshine,

I just read your post now. Thankyou for providing the link, I will have a look right now.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou MissAntiSunshine.

That article was really interesting, and helped me recognize where I have been having flashbacks, as I thought that I didn't have PTSD because I didn't seem to be having flashbacks of any kind...but now I've read that flashbacks occur when you feel like you are a small child, as an adult, then I have definitely felt like that before...quite a few times actually...so i guess I have been having flashbacks I just didn't realize that's what was happening at the time.

Thanks for providing the link...and for the hug.