Eight-year Ease, Then Relapse

[LotusRoot]

Hi All – I’m grateful to say that after a 20-year hard stint, I’ve had about eight years of only having smaller flashbacks –where there’s a nagging emotion/dissonance for a few weeks, then me finally noticing it and sitting myself down for a good chunk of quiet time, gentle introspection, and a good hard cry, then release. Taking care, being able to live pretty well. But, I think I’m in a big one again.

My mom got sick four years ago, and I became the primary caregiver for the family because everyone else is so injured, no one else has gotten on their feet all these long decades. I was grateful that I was strong enough to care for her, and thought I could navigate through safely, with balance. It was the first time since I left home at fourteen that I’d spent such a long time with my family. I was hoping that we might be able to come together to help Mom, and everyone did really try for the first while, but it all fell apart. I couldn’t do it, ended up needing to place her in a home, and she died last year.

I’ve been scattered and numb for a few months, unable to just rest, be still, find a quiet place inside; going off in whatever direction shows up, then pulling myself back (a new good skill for me, to stop & turn back), but essentially lost. Okay for a little while, then stopped dead. Some sense that I just need to slow everything down, turn everything off, go into extreme care mode, but the fragmentation keeps saying Everything’s Fine – argh! Still that old line. My oh my. So I’m back here, checking in, making it real. Though I’m never far from y’all.

With much thanks for this forum
& wishing much care all around

 

[arfie]

I once had a dream that I was standing on the bank of the Mississippi River, watching it split the North American Continent in two, with all the related fireworks and disasters circling around me. There I was, on a cliff towering over the chaos, declaring, "Everything's Fine." Yea, still that old line.

Congrats on catching the relapse while you are still functional. Hopefully, just some refresher will get you back on track. Welcome back.

 

[mil]

I did a relapse... but I hadnt built up enough coping skills. It was disastrous. Now I'm fearful for silent, calm, uneventful, bliss life, lest I be blown apart by trauma anew.

It sounds as though you have skills to fall back on. I'm grieving as well, and it can bring up many flighty emotions, even without past trauma. I've found local grief support groups to be comforting.

 

[LotusRoot]

Thanks Arfie & mil -- the shadows are defintely barking again, wading through a bit of muck, hoping it doesnt last too long, but a good part of it is letting it be what it is and adapting around. Taking care of the kid : - )

Love the dream image of the continent breaking, Arfie, though it's a painful one. So vibrant.