At my last psychiatrist appointment, he added Seroquel to my Effexor and told me that he wanted me to be doing 2 things that I wasn't doing now. Okay, fine.
I tried going to the gym today, something I haven't done in awhile but used to do. I figured that for my first time, I wouldn't go on the treadmill or do weights but would concentrate on doing the things I really like to do at the gym. Mainly going in the steam room and whirlpool.
Well, it took me until 1pm to psyche myself up enough to go. I got there, went inside, put my stuff in a locker and was ready to go.
I got a towel and headed for the steam room and thank god there was only 1 other woman in there. I sat down and thought to myself "I can do this!".
Then 60 seconds later another woman came in and sat behind me and suddenly I couldn't breathe. It was so bad, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
I got up and left, went to the shower and locked the door. I stayed there until I calmed down and then couldn't unlock the door. Freak out #2.
I finally got out and thought "I'm not giving up goddamit" and got into the whirlpool where I was alone. I stayed there exactly 3 minutes and it felt like I wasn't even in my own body but floating above it.
I got out, got my stuff out of the locker and locked myself in one of the change rooms where I just sat and cried.
Why can't I just be good enough the way I am? Why can't everyone just accept that this is who I am now instead of trying to get me to do all this crap that I do not feel safe or comfortable doing?
Why is it not good enough that I stay home and usually only leave when I have my dogs or immediate family with me? I'm okay with it. It's okay. I feel safe at home. It's the only place I feel relaxed and safe.
Why does every doctor, therapist and psychiatrist want to get me back to working at the hospital? I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I have seen too many deaths as it is, working in both palliative care and oncology. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stay home with my family and my dogs. I just want to feel happy and safe and if that place is in my own home, well then so be it. I am tired of forcing myself to do all these things in the name of getting better that make me feel so sh!tty. I'm tired of the panic attacks. Why isn't it okay to live in my own little bubble?
I've just had it up to here today!
I tried going to the gym today, something I haven't done in awhile but used to do. I figured that for my first time, I wouldn't go on the treadmill or do weights but would concentrate on doing the things I really like to do at the gym. Mainly going in the steam room and whirlpool.
Well, it took me until 1pm to psyche myself up enough to go. I got there, went inside, put my stuff in a locker and was ready to go.
I got a towel and headed for the steam room and thank god there was only 1 other woman in there. I sat down and thought to myself "I can do this!".
Then 60 seconds later another woman came in and sat behind me and suddenly I couldn't breathe. It was so bad, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
I got up and left, went to the shower and locked the door. I stayed there until I calmed down and then couldn't unlock the door. Freak out #2.
I finally got out and thought "I'm not giving up goddamit" and got into the whirlpool where I was alone. I stayed there exactly 3 minutes and it felt like I wasn't even in my own body but floating above it.
I got out, got my stuff out of the locker and locked myself in one of the change rooms where I just sat and cried.
Why can't I just be good enough the way I am? Why can't everyone just accept that this is who I am now instead of trying to get me to do all this crap that I do not feel safe or comfortable doing?
Why is it not good enough that I stay home and usually only leave when I have my dogs or immediate family with me? I'm okay with it. It's okay. I feel safe at home. It's the only place I feel relaxed and safe.
Why does every doctor, therapist and psychiatrist want to get me back to working at the hospital? I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I have seen too many deaths as it is, working in both palliative care and oncology. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stay home with my family and my dogs. I just want to feel happy and safe and if that place is in my own home, well then so be it. I am tired of forcing myself to do all these things in the name of getting better that make me feel so sh!tty. I'm tired of the panic attacks. Why isn't it okay to live in my own little bubble?
I've just had it up to here today!
