Embarrassed... Again

[JJ11B]

I have been out of the Military for a few years now and I feel that the "issues" I was having post deployment are getting worse. I was an Infantryman and like most of my fellow Soldiers I chose to deny having any problems to avoid embarrassing situations or feeling like I was too weak to cope.

Now years later Im drinking more than ever and getting mad at the people who love me. I made an appt with my local VA mental health facility and went down and began to share with whoever the guy was, (thought he was a counselor, but i guess hes just intake) he stopped me mid sentence (from getting too emotional) and recomended I go to a group. It was hard enough for me to make it to my appt to talk one on one, theres no way I was ready for a group judging me, so he said they would follow up with me and get me in to see a counselor.

I waited about one month then called them to see why they werent calling. They appologized and said they would call back soon to schedule and that I should be patient. About one month later I received a follow up call from mental health to see how I was doing. I said I would be doing better if they would hold up their end and get me an appt. The girl on the line was "suprised" that no one had called me in for an appointment and said that someone would get back with me soon..... that last phone call was over 3 months ago.

I am absolutley dissapointed in the VA. I even spoke briefly with a patient advocate at another facility who recomended that I just speak with the PA at the facility where I'm having issues. So what I'm gathering is that no one wants to take responsibility for letting me down nor does anyone want to take the appropriate steps to make sure im taken care of.

To be honest when I'm not feeling depressed and feeling like a failure because im not being the stong rolemodel for my kids and husband to my wife, Im F****ing P***sed off that MY VA sucks soo bad.

I cannot bring myself to make that call AGAIN to ask for help and I dont want to clog the line calling a suicide hotline because im not suicidal.

I would like for the VA to stop advertising how much they care for returning soldiers until they get their sh** together and start helping those who ask for it.

Oh yeah PS. I am also a VA employee which is even more reason im too embarrassed to ask again. The first time I asked for help I was shuffled around the clinic so all employees in that dept knew I was seeking mental help, just to inform me that I had to go to a different VA because of Employee/Patient privacy.

Im sorry if Im rambling but this is ridiculous.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[Reign]

Damn thats fukked up JJ. I can so relate to the embarrassment of admitting you might have an issue (a mental health issue at that!!) its really too bad its classified as a "mental" health issue.

The first time I went in to speak with someone I literally sat in my chair "gripping" the chair arms so tightly that my arms were aching and yet I couldn't let go. I always was proud of the fact that I was in control of my life and the direction I was headed in but what i didn't realize is... NO ONE is ever in control of their life and unforeseen things happen. PTSD is something that happens to you as a result of trauma.

I'm no longer embarrassed that I lived through several traumatic experiences. I think the ones who should be embarrassed are those that neglect to do their job or at the very least refer you to a competent person. It's okay that you're mad about it, you have a right to be mad but I know it would be easier on you if you weren't embarrassed. I am no longer ashamed to admit I had a life changing traumatic experience yet I still have difficulties describing any details.

Have you considered (or is it even an option) to look for help outside the VA (im not a military person so I don't know) maybe if you live near a city, they may have some services available....
wishing you well.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[Kaii]

I encourage you to seek help, even if it means asking again and again. Ptsd does not get better on it's own and that is why you're experiencing a worsening of symptoms. I was untreated for quite awhile after my trauma and it got so bad that the thought of taking my own life entered my head more than a few times.

I understand what you mean about being a VA employee and feeling embarrassed to be shuffled around and have everyone know that you are seeking "mental help". In my personal life, in addition to having ptsd, I am also a nurse and was sent for treatment with a psychiatrist at my own hospital. I felt so shameful and humiliated at the time, but I was willing to accept that in place of the despair and numbness that my life had spiralled into.

Go for help, you owe it to yourself. Please, call them again.

Walking this road with you,
Kaii

 

[Reign]

JJ? How are you doing? Were you able to get an appointment or find an alternative to your issue?

 

[JJ11B]

I called back to VA MH and spoke with the receptionist who was apologetic and had intake call me back. I set up a "ptsd 101" group intake thing, went and got a bunch of pamphlets and heard all the basic info.... it wasn't bad. That was one week ago. I let the Psychologist who was running the group know that although I was not interested in the group thing, I would give it a shot but I would still like to see someone one on one. So my first OIF/OEF group is this week. Im optimistic, but have to say I didn't like hearing that 'one on one' appointments are hard to get due to short staffing... Its a major California VA hospital... short staffed is not my concern.