Embarrassed To Be Me

[Castillo]

I have a pdoc and a T for treatment of bipolar/ADHD and complex PTSD. After each appointment I have with either of them, I feel embarrassed. Not because of anything I have shared, but because my moods can fluctuate and despite months of therapy, I still get very anxious and still dissociate at times. I wonder if I just come across as neurotic and not wanting to change. I also wonder if my stubborn symptoms make them feel as if they are failing to do their job. I would not want to make either of them feel badly and like them both.

All this uncertainty makes me want to quit it all, but without bipolar meds, I can kiss my career goodbye. I am a ball of anxiety right now and would like to call my T, but I am too ashamed. I just cannot do it.

Anyone have a way to pull out of a pit of anxiety without their T and without anti-anxiety meds? I am having no luck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Castillo, it sounds like you are doing all you can do already. I wish you were on anxiety meds. Can you ask for them? It is good to be able to call your therapist if you need to. It is part of your treatment.

It sounds like you are assuming, speculating and guessing and what iffing yourself to death. I would be really paying attention to that, it rachet ups your anxiety. The therapist is there for you. You are not doing anything wrong if you call and need help. That is the whole purpose of therapy, to help you through the rough spots.

I wish there was something to suggest but I cannot think of anything. I am on anxiety medication to help me to become stable. They help me out alot. They are nonaddictive. I am on antidepressants as well. I am on sleep medication so I get good rest at night. How are you sleeping?

It sounds like you are doing everything right except the what iffing yourself as to what they may think of you. You could bring this up into a therapy session and clear the air. And if you were to freeze or blank out, then you could write all of this down and just read it or hand it to your therapist to read.

I hope this helps you out some. I wish I could think of something easier but I am drawing a blank. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Let us know how it all turns out. Good luck.

 

[LoveIsHealing]

You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you are doing the best you can. That's what these people are there for, to help you and you should not worry about whether they like you or not. When your mind is not in a good place, we tend to over-analyze what other people are thinking about us...I know I do that. Just be patient with yourself, they will be patient with you too. They want you to get better. Also, you are not the only one they see that have these issues, they understand.

Gizmo suggested writing your feelings down, I think that is a good idea too. :)

 

[LawPhotos]

Castillo,
I often have that same type of embarrassed feeling when I leave either my psych doc or my therapist. I feel shameful and humiliated and sometimes swear that I am never going back. Overall I just feel stupid for some reason. I feel like a pathetic little whiner that is probably annoying the crap out of them. Neither one has ever said or done anything to even remotely indicate this is true but I just can't seem to get past that feeling. I do feel guilty that I am not getting better for the same reasons as you--I would never want them to think that maybe it is them. Or that maybe I am a hopeless case and I am wasting their time. I would never ever dream of calling either one of them.