EMDR after effects

[Snowflake]

Today my therapist asked how EMDR is going....if I feel like the scene is moving. I was silent for a few minutes and said “I’m fine, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” I shut down and she knew it. She reassured me she was there and asked me if I could tell her if I felt the scene was moving. Again I was quiet. I covered my face with my hands and again I said just shoot me, I don’t care, I hate myself, over and over. And then I said he hurt me bad. Just shoot me, I need to die. At one point she said I frustrated her because she was trying to help but I was putting up a wall and hiding.
I hide to be safe-ugh I don’t have words to describe the pain or fear.

 

[Skywatcher]

That is so weird. My therapist never makes me speak about it. She encourages me to if I want to, but always reassures me that it isn’t necessary. She also doesn’t pressure me. There have been times that I curled away from her in my chair or told her that I was trying to figure out if I would fit under her desk for hiding.

Emdr can be terrifying. It is important to remember to distance yourself from your trauma. If you are fully reliving it, you are just re-traumatizing yourself, especially since the traumas are so vivid in the emdr sets.

 

[Missycat]

Sorry it was so hard for you @Snowflake .
Emdr is tough. I wonder if she was asking if it had moved along and you werent sticking in a particular difficult part of the memory. My t will ask me that and she will tell me she doesnt need to know the memory unless i want to tell her but just to know im not stuck - she told me that if its sticking then we will process it slightly differently to help me get through that part, she also tells me that knowing if its sticking helps her to know if im likely to dissociate - and i usually do ! Its dissapointing that she said she was frustrated with you as that’s her problem not yours ! I have regularly put up the defense wall , last week i jumped up out of my chair and went to leave to hide because i hated how i felt along with the fear , she just stayed with me and gently spoke to me to anchor me and help calm me. Apart from checking i was ok we didnt discuss what had happenes until the following session when i was much less stressed.
Maybe you could talk to your t about how best to calm you, discuss your needs when you are struggling in session etc

 

[Skywatcher]

Also, I was just thinking about when I’m stuck. We try a fast forward to get me out of there. That helped, because the times I stayed stuck led to a very difficult recovery week. Two of my most scary weeks that I have ever had. So... she does check on that and our approach is carefully planned so that will not happen.

 

[hithere]

never mind. Sorry you had a difficult session. I hope it doesn't turn into a difficult week.