General Emdr Film

[LizardViolet]

I got a copy of the EMDR film, a documentary made by filmmaker Michael Burns (who went through EMDR before he made the movie). I actually paid for one copy, it was delayed, and when it arrived he'd sent me three copies.

I've watched it several times. It's got terrific information, many interviews with therapists who have used it, information about the origins and the medical literature about it, and personal stories. Not to give anything away, but three million people have gone through it over the last 20 years to heal their trauma.

I gave a copy to my therapist, who often works with trauma survivors. (I'm not sure if she's EMDR certified, she's a hypnotherapist.) I'm going to lend a copy to a work associate who is raising an adopted child, now 12, who was abused and neglected and who clearly has ptsd symptoms. And I left a copy with my boyfriend.

I left a copy of the DVD at his place Wednesday morning and it was still sitting on his coffee table Wednesday evening when I came by. I'm walking on eggshells because I am pretty sure this therapy could change his life, but I can't push. So frustrating. I decided I'm not going to ask about it until a month has gone by, and then I'll just ask, did you look at that dvd? Unless of course he opens a conversation about it.

PTSD is such a horrible disease. Low self esteem, hopelessness and mistrust are symptoms. They are like walls standing between the sufferer and a better future.

 

[Zad]

It's got terrific information, many interviews with therapists who have used it, information about the origins and the medical literature about it, and personal stories. Not to give anything away, but three million people have gone through it over the last 20 years to heal their trauma.

There is also a new book out by the originator of EMDR therapy. It helps the reader understand where symptoms come from, lots of examples of many problems, descriptions of the therapy, and teaches techniques you can use immediately to change negative thoughts, emotions and reactions. It could give you a better idea of how to deal with your boyfriend and you can read him sections that might get him interested. You might even find his specific issues described.

The book is Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-help Techniques from EMDR Therapy. It's on sale at Amazon.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wishing you the best on the dvd. I hope he takes a look at it, unless it never occurs to him. Mabe you guys could watch it together if he is up to it. Good luck.

 

[LizardViolet]

After a couple of days, he watched some of it. It's about 65 minutes long, and he said he watched 22 minutes. He often exaggerates, so maybe he watched 10-15 minutes. He concluded that EMDR is a crock and a scam, like Scientology. He took a look at the website associated with the film and I think he misinterpreted the offer to sell copies of the film for some sort of purchase of the therapy.

I said it wasn't a scam, I'm not generally taken in by that sort of thing, but he was pretty negative about it.

We had a good conversation about it the next day. I asked him, if there were such a thing as a cure for ptsd, what would it mean for you? He said if he went through some sort of cure, maybe he would no longer be the person he is. And that he values the visceral knowledge that he gained by going through his combat experiences, the knowledge in his bones that life is random, that pain and suffering can happen to anyone at any time. His parents sent him to therapy when he was kid (as an abused child he had ptsd already then) and it was pretty useless. He has also told me a little about more recent therapy experiences he had, some connected with the VA. He participated in something where every time he had a negative thought, he had some positive stimulus (pictures of boobies!). And he was in a group of vets for a while. He quit going after one of the young participants killed himself.

I've since done more reading, on this forum and elsewhere, looking particularly for personal stories from people who have gone through EMDR. There is a thread here from a few years ago, for example. Some people have been re-traumatized, particularly by going through the process with a therapist who is not as experienced and who neglects the safety side of things. Others have been substantially helped, with the assistance of an experienced and sensitive therapist.

I emailed him a link to the thread here, but he was not interested in continuing the conversation.

I didn't expect him to be hit with a bolt from the blue and tell me now his eyes have been opened, let's make an appointment immediately. I just wanted to plant a seed in his mind. He doesn't take suggestions very well about anything, really, so I didn't expect that he would embrace this one. But at least he knows this therapy exists, however skeptical he may be.

 

[JasmineDog]

Hi LizardViolet
Your boyfriend seems to be like my son... I went through EMDR therapy, and am a SERIOUS believer. I now have a completely re-defined view about therapy, and after my own journey feel as if talk-therapy is just a temporary band-aid type solution for PTSD sufferers, and if anything, makes one more likely to be skeptical of therapy. Since people go in desperate for help, and enthusiastically participate, when it doesn't "work" in a permanent way, they are disillusioned. I got lucky with the therapist I found - she was able to break down the method in a way that made sense and made it seem logical. I will get to that in a bit. My son, when first told of the treatment, likened it to a partial lobotomy. He is a young adult male, which explains alot! Men have an inate need to take care of things themselves, to be the "strong" man. Young men think they are all-knowing. Not an insult, just a fact. I loved the Scientology reference, because I recently came to the realization that they use EMDR (calling it something different) to manipulate recruits. If I had somehow been administered this treatment by Scientologists, I would be one today because the relief from the agony of PTSD is so miraculous that if I thought the religion was responsible, I would be converted. Shame on them for "tricking" people. The longer it gets since my treatment, and the more my son realizes my changes are full-on real and lasting (even something as simple as no longer leaping a foot when the phone rings) the more open he is to learning more. He had talk-therapy in his teens, and luckily was never prescribed drugs, so he is now just happy to "have his mind the way he likes it" and is really worried about altering that, like your boyfriend. I just ask him if I seem like I have been altered, so he at least has an example right in front of him.

Now, the ordinary person's explanation...
Trauma has two types, lets say Big T, and Small T. Whatever happens in childhood, no matter how minor (ie name calling) falls under Big T. Adults have both Big (ie rape) and Small (ie name calling). The mind stores the traumas in the emotional side of the brain, which is why any time there is a trigger, we go straight to the same place we felt initially. EMDR heals the mind in the same way that REM sleep heals the mind and body. If a person only sleeps lightly, they don't wake up rested. You need that deep rapid-eye-movement sleep. EMDR re-creates the same healing by giving the left-right stimulation while a memory is being recounted. The memory is "interrupted/distracted" and moves from the emotional to the logical part of the mind where it no longer has any control over behavior. After my first session I felt calm for the first time in 40 years. My therapist said that most people don't even know what word to use when she asks how they feel, because they don't know what calm feels like.

Tell your boyfriend that he will be exactly who he is now, only better, because he will actually be in control of how he feels, what he thinks and how he reacts to things instead of always TRYING to control, or fighting the lack of control. I even feel strange using the word control, because it no longer even applies, I just AM. If you are healthy, you don't REACT to things, you just are in a state of contentment where you recognize former triggers for what they are and are not affected. Because my son was affected by my PTSD as a child, we developed a dysfunctional relationship. We no longer have that, because it takes two people to have that! It took awhile, but he no longer even pushes the buttons he used to, because there is no reaction. He needed to learn to trust that, and now he does. I believe that eventually as he matures, he will go for the therapy, but I need to be patient with him and wait for him to get there in his own time. I now am able to look at peoples actions as just that, not as definitions of who they are. He acts how he does because of what he went through, so I am more understanding. The more he sees that I am changed yet unchanged, the more likely he will be to get the help. In the meantime we get along great.

The only other point I will make that my therapist said, not pertaining to EMDR, but just an amazing eye-opening explanation for most of the relationships I have either been in or witnessed, is this:
Every person has an emotional health number, like 1 through 10. A 3 will always end up with a 3, a 7 with a 7 etc. Not with the same issues necessarily, just with the same degree of damage. A 3 might meet a 7, and be together for awhile, but it can't last. A 3 and a 3 will be together until one or the other effects change and then they will part, unless BOTH change to the same degree.

 

[LizardViolet]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with EMDR. I'm so glad you found healing.

Of course I'm not sure I agree about people in relationships having matching emotional health numbers. I don't know that I fall into a set category. I have a husband who is extremely emotionally healthy. I'm probably less balanced than he is, but I'm pretty stable. My bf is on the other side of the scale with complex PTSD. Perhaps between the two I have a matching number. On the other hand, I have some small understanding of my bf's situation because I also have a couple of chronic health conditions (fortunately neither of them life threatening or currently impairing my full participation in my life) that I have to manage and be mindful of and sometimes ask for accommodations for.