Emdr, I'm Giving It A Try

[Martin Taylor]

I agree.

 

[freakofnurture]

I've just picked up on this and I am concerned that she is using you as a guinea pig. Please be cautious.

KP, thank you for you concern, I appreciate it a lot :)

Me being a guinea pig of sorts is part of our agreement, I guess. She is very open about the fact that she is just beginning to learn this technique - after having many years of experience with other modalities of trauma therapy; she's also the head of the ward's team of therapists, which is why I trust her to not mess up like a total beginner would do.

I myself am rather experienced when it comes to therapy, too, first because I've been in psychotherapeutic treatment for around seven years now - including numerous in-patient stays - and second because I minored in psychology and do still read up on a lot in that area. These are good prerequisites for being a 'safe' guinea pig.

And here's my account of the second session:

So, this was the first session to be recorded on camera for training purposes and she made very sure that I was okay with the recording and how it would be used. It felt a bit like 'I'll go to the camera now, are you okay with that? - I'm now right next to the camera, are you still okay with that? - I'm now extending my hand with the intention to press the record button, you still okay?' It might be that she's even a bit too conscious about her responsibilities.

We worked on a distressing memory this time. I chose one out of the pack of thoughts that comes to harass me as soon as my mood slips even a small bit. It was a harmless memory when beheld from the outside, but really it's of a kind of archetypical situation that included a number of things directly akin to my traumatic living situation.

I retold the memory, decided upon a negative statement about me that fit the situation but was also generally applicable, then chose a positive statement about myself and rated my distress which was at ~5 on a 10 point scale. The negative statement felt 100% correct, the positive one 0%.

Over the course of several rounds of eyes-follow-fingers there wasn't much change. My distress level went down a bit (to around 3) when my coping mechanisms (namely withdrawal to my safe place) started to kick in, but it went right up to 5 when I noticed that non of the distressing facts had changed just because I had moved my eyes left to right for roughly a minute.

The rounds felt different this time. I got the impression that the eye movements served to distract me and keep me from consciously directing my train of thoughts. Left to its own devices my brain chose to first freeze (no thoughts, just sensory input in my consciousness) then to ask questions (does the T count while she moves her hand, and to where does she count?) and finally withdraw to play with the story I am currently working on.

Maybe it's just me but that brain of mine reminds me a lot of myself.

After roughly an hour of work which didn't lead to any improvement regarding my distress level or the subjective accuracy of the negative and positive statement the T declared the session to be 'left open' and that we'd have to work on this memory some more on our next appointment. She informed me that there was no need to reach a distress level of 0 for a session to be a success, but that some 'lasting' improvement needed to be achieved.

She ended the session with an imagination exercise. I chose 'The Safe Place' because it's the easiest one for me. I felt pretty tired. The rest of the day was uneventful. I didn't experience any hightened anxiety, rather the opposite.

My thoughts on the way home were that those ideas I have about myself - positive and negative - are like clusters of cogs that I can take out of or plug into the machine of my world view. They are shaped differently and thus activate different parts of the machine in different ways. I felt a certain distance towards my own self-image, and I felt very conscious of the idea that I am not what I see myself as, but that I am a distinct entity and that I decide what does define me and what doesn't.

The aftermath of the session consists of bad dreams about my fam*ly. I currently don't experience those dreams as particularly distressing, though. It's only when I ponder them that my stomach drops and I feel nauseous.

 

[maddog]

Freakofnurture, thanks so much for this honest and detailed response again. Actually, it made me both smile and cringe, because I think it mirrorred almost exactly what I'd have predicted my reactions to be if someone had asked me to forecast my reaction to the process. Very, very interesting. I struggle badly to hold negative incidents, or positive ones for that matter, in concious mind when outright directed to do so. It's as though my brain is too used to being obsessively active and to attempting to cycle thoughts and feelings through as quickly as possible to ensure that the bad ones don't get an opportunity to lodge themselves there and the good ones don't get a chance to start diluting my perception of reality. Perhaps i'ts just alack of mental self-discipline, which doesn't seem typical of what I'd expect of myself, but which may indeed be the case on a greater scale than I'd have imagined.

And quite frankly I expect I'd be amusingly/irritatingly distracted by random thoughts as to the mechanics of the EMDR, as you were, thoughts such as whether or not the T has to count or whether she feels even just a little bit silly sitting in front of you waving her hands around and holding out for a miracle... my inner cynic, who is always easily called to mind, promises to have a field day.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative, only to acknowledge that I know where some of my early pitfalls will be with this process too, and seeing them play out in someone else's experience is both validating for me, andalso sobering in terms of identifying to me that there are issues about the way I interact with my memories and manage them consciously, that I will have to try to work on in preparation for EMDR myself.
Thanks again for sharing.

MD

 

[freakofnurture]

Thanks again for sharing.

I'm glad if my accounts can be helpful :)

There'll be a hiatus, though. The EMDR T decided that I am currently not stable enough to continue my treatment.

It's a real bummer. And why am I so unstable, you might ask? Well, my regular T just 'dumped' me (apparently some bureaucracy I didn't know about overrides the recommendations of two psychiatrists that I need further treatment and that I need it from this one T). So, not only is there no way I'll get a trauma therapist in my city (they don't even have waiting lists anymore - you're either lucky when you call or you're not), no, I have to find a psychoanalytical or behavioural T and tell them my whole effing story. Again. In the hopes that we fit together. If we don't? Next T, tell the story again... I. Don't. Wanna.

So, I feel rather abandoned right now, and trapped between the cold, unfeeling necessities of life in a sub-optimal world.

 

[maddog]

Oh, geez mate, this is so so wrong... can barely imagine how shattered and disillusioned you feel right now, and the prospect of having to start the story again, in the event that you can even find an eligible T, is beyond daunting.

Wish I had some words of wisdom. It is wrong in the extreme that bureaucracy should override human welfare and best interests.

Please take care of yourself. Is EMDR T able to offer anything else?

MD

 

[Helliepig]

I can understand the sceptism about EMDR cos i was a sceptic too. My friend told me about it and I had all on not to laugh. It sounded akin to hoppy ear candles. But I have to say it is amazing. It's now accreditied grade A for PTSD by NICE in the UK (the people who approve guidelines and spending for medical care) which means it is the top B*******S.

It works by replicating the eye movements of REM sleep - when the brain ordinarily processses ordinary stuff. The theory is the trauma bits are so painful the brain keeps stalling at doing this and wakes you up, as a fail safe mechanism, mid REM - hey presto, a nightmare. It's like a fused bit of computer that can't connect to the rest and keeps crashing the system.

EMDR pushes you through those fused bits, in a controlled way. It is astonishing. One minute you are focusing on one thing and then other things pop into you head, as your brain processes through all the things that are linked - sometimes it makes no sense whatsoever, but other times, it tells an amazing story. It allows you amost to watch a memory and instead of being stuck in it, move through it, as you suddenly become aware of different aspects to it - it's like you adult (left brain) is helping the child(right brain) understand the reality of what happened

You would have to experience it to believe me!!

Afterwards, your brain, having had a block removed, sorts through the garbage on its own Sometimes you feel awful, all churned up, others not much, sometimes you have vivid dreams. The belief is that the brain is programmed to develop naturally and heal, when the blocks are removed, it is allowed to process forward until it meets the next block, and so on.Then, some of your symptoms go. You look for the familiar old sinking/reacting/pain and it just ain't there. WOW! You have grown up a bit.

Just an aside - I found it has to be combined with an astute, experienced therapist with other tools at their disposal, on its own it can be a blunt tool that can sometimes unleash a lot all at once, and it takes someone who knows about development milestones to guide and it and recognise what is happening. TFT tapping therapies can also release stuff - also something I thought was a load of baloney - but in a more gentle way.

The best thing about EMDR - and I say this wholeheartedly - is that it has given me the courage to feel that with it, I can face anything from my past (the problem now is rather more getting a way in to some of the more hidden stuff ) and that is huge, because so much of my stuff terrified me beyond insanity. No in fact, it felt like insanity itself.

The other good thing about it is that you learn your brain WANTS to heal and it what is more, it CAN.
That was soooo liberating for me.

PS I could recount an amazing EMDR session to help illustrate it but maybe I'll do that on another thread cos that is a personal painful story and one of the pivotal points in my therapy, and in the nicest possible way, not one I want reacted to with sceptism, as I'm sure you understand.

PPS The first few sessions can be frustrating as you keep trying to think and interfere and block , but it gets much easier with experience.

 

[Martin Taylor]

Great post Helliepig, I agree with everything you said. My sessions are not as tough as the earlier ones, I'm not crying as much, but I have learned a lot, including the very important fact that I can(am) heal (healing).

 

[Helliepig]

Good for you Martin!! x

 

[freakofnurture]

Please take care of yourself. Is EMDR T able to offer anything else?

Thank you for your sympathetic reply. I am trying to take good care of myself but my mood is all over the place, so it's not easy atm.

The EMDR T put me on the waiting list for another round of in-patient treatment in the trauma group but I'll have to wait till Febuary next year. I can get in for a 3 week stay in the 'first diagnosis' group within 1 to 3 days, which I'll keep as kind of a joker should I get suicidal (in this group there are only therapy n00bs with mild symptoms and it's hard to be there as a PTSD patient, but it's at least something I can do to keep me from jumping). I could also come and talk to her, in case of an emergency. That's basically all she could offer. It's a lot, actually, but I'm not sure that it is what I need.

Afterwards, your brain, having had a block removed, sorts through the garbage on its own

I only managed to skim through your post, so please forgive me for not adressing any finer points you made: Some kind of emotional blockage seemed to stand between me and the full benefit of EMDR. I don't know if it has to do with my trauma being of the complex, early-childhood-till-early-adulthood variety, or if I was doing something wrong. I really tried to be open and use the opportunity to get better.

 

[maddog]

Once again mate, I'm so sorry for this frustration and for what must feel like a huge setback right now. I'm glad your EMDR T can offer you at least a little safety net, which can mean an awful lot in times of crisis, though of course you rightly assume it's not really what you need right now.

And I speak from a position of nil experience, but please try not to despair about the blockage you experienced with the EMDR you did undertake. I think there are many many reasons why this may have been the case - perhaps just part of the process and more time needed to work through that, perhaps the wrong time, perhaps the wrong person, perhaps just a symptom of your place on this journey... hang in there, I wish I had a solution, but all I've really got is hope for you, because you want to succeed and to get better, and they're the first and most critical things you need in order for that to happen, so don't let go of them ok?

Maddog

 

[Helliepig]

Thank you for your sympathetic reply. I am trying to take good care of myself but my mood is all over the place, so it's not easy atm.

[Some kind of emotional blockage seemed to stand between me and the full benefit of EMDR. I don't know if it has to do with my trauma being of the complex, early-childhood-till-early-adulthood variety, or if I was doing something wrong.quote]

Don't worry, I had the early childhood-till-early-adult type too, there's lots of blocks along the way, sometimes EMDR fires quickly other times its frustrating chipping away with no discernable benefit, but undoing all the knots and complexities takes a lot of time and effort. Often I felt like i wasn't doing it right, does't mean it isn't working on some level. It is v powerful but not a quick overnight fix.

What it does do, though, is, eventually, undo the complexities other therapies just don't reach.

Therapy is a rocky road, up and down, and often you can't see what is moving until enough pieces of the puzzle are aligned.

 

[Helliepig]

Oh dear, my first attempt at quoting seems to have gone wrong, my comments appear in the quote box! OOps better read the instructions again. Apologies to freakofnature for that and here's my comment it's proper place

"Don't worry, I had the early childhood-till-early-adult type too, there's lots of blocks along the way, sometimes EMDR fires quickly other times its frustrating chipping away with no discernable benefit, but undoing all the knots and complexities takes a lot of time and effort. Often I felt like i wasn't doing it right, does't mean it isn't working on some level. It is v powerful but not a quick overnight fix.

What it does do, though, is, eventually, undo the complexities other therapies just don't reach.

Therapy is a rocky road, up and down, and often you can't see what is moving until enough pieces of the puzzle are aligned"