Marymickaela
Silver Member
Had a really rough EMDR session this week. In preparing for my appt. I continued reading one of my EMDR books written by Francine Shapiro. I started a chapter called “Emotional Bonding” (bonding and attachment). It stated the following about why a child might feel unloved by their parents, which may lead to a person feeling inadequate or defective about themselves. It said “if a child feels “Mama and Daddy didn’t love me” there must be something wrong with me.
It then listed the following examples:
“Mother had emotional problems during pregnancy”. My mom had just had my brother in January, went on birth control and got pregnant with me in March (despite birth control). *Unwanted pregnancy”, and a difficult pregnancy.
“Mother moved soon after the birth”. My parents lived with my mom’s grandparents in a small town in PA and they moved away to the horse farm in Indiana when I was 5 months old. My brother would have been 16 months old. I think I was cared for and loved the 1st 5 months by other family members, but after moving my mom was totally overwhelmed as she had never lived on a farm and now with 2 small babies. I weighed 32lbs at 9months. Do you realize how big that is for a 9 month old baby? .
“Mother experienced severe financial problems”. They did.
“Separation Anxiety”. Besides moving away from my extended family, when I was 9 months old my parents went back to PA to attend a family wedding and I was left with my dad’s parents, who I didn’t know, and was told I cried non-stop for 3 solid days.
I know my mom loved me, but while growing up I had to mother her, esp. as a teen.
I told my Tdoc I had this “lightbulb moment” this past week that the only time I felt cared for as a child was when I was sick so we decided to focus our session on the times in my life I’ve been sick as I’ve been sick for the last 2 months and can’t seem to get better, despite 2 rounds of antibiotics. I really do feel like I’m defective and will never be healthy. I really connected with some deep emotions starting in childhood into adulthood and could actually feel that emotional pain all over again. I had a lot of good draining cries. When I started EMDR in July I told my Tdoc I wasn’t able to cry anymore so not to expect me to. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. Now here I am sobbing thru-out the hour.
When our session was over I was pretty dissociated and foggy. I had to sit in the car and listen to one of my EMDR audios before I was able to drive. When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep and was pretty much worthless the rest of the day.
The next day (yesterday) I was nauseous all day and even threw up in the morning. Today I’m feeling much better. I’m trying to listen to my body more. I’ve also found and purchased some fantastic EMDR audios on ITunes by “Liborio Conti”. They’re called “EMDR Guided Meditation”, “EMDR, PTSD Trauma Restorative Relief”, and “EMDR Therapy Sessions”. I love this woman’s voice.
I feel I'm making progress, now if I can get healthy. I've had this horrible constant throat clearing that is so bad my throat is sore and feels raw by the end of the day. Low grade fevers up to 101. I use a script nasal spray and allergy med. I have an appt. next week with my ENT specialist. He dx'd me back in 2012 with a form of acid reflux. When I looked up throat clearing it listed that as the #1 symptom for the type of acid reflux I have.
It then listed the following examples:
“Mother had emotional problems during pregnancy”. My mom had just had my brother in January, went on birth control and got pregnant with me in March (despite birth control). *Unwanted pregnancy”, and a difficult pregnancy.
“Mother moved soon after the birth”. My parents lived with my mom’s grandparents in a small town in PA and they moved away to the horse farm in Indiana when I was 5 months old. My brother would have been 16 months old. I think I was cared for and loved the 1st 5 months by other family members, but after moving my mom was totally overwhelmed as she had never lived on a farm and now with 2 small babies. I weighed 32lbs at 9months. Do you realize how big that is for a 9 month old baby? .
“Mother experienced severe financial problems”. They did.
“Separation Anxiety”. Besides moving away from my extended family, when I was 9 months old my parents went back to PA to attend a family wedding and I was left with my dad’s parents, who I didn’t know, and was told I cried non-stop for 3 solid days.
I know my mom loved me, but while growing up I had to mother her, esp. as a teen.
I told my Tdoc I had this “lightbulb moment” this past week that the only time I felt cared for as a child was when I was sick so we decided to focus our session on the times in my life I’ve been sick as I’ve been sick for the last 2 months and can’t seem to get better, despite 2 rounds of antibiotics. I really do feel like I’m defective and will never be healthy. I really connected with some deep emotions starting in childhood into adulthood and could actually feel that emotional pain all over again. I had a lot of good draining cries. When I started EMDR in July I told my Tdoc I wasn’t able to cry anymore so not to expect me to. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. Now here I am sobbing thru-out the hour.
When our session was over I was pretty dissociated and foggy. I had to sit in the car and listen to one of my EMDR audios before I was able to drive. When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep and was pretty much worthless the rest of the day.
The next day (yesterday) I was nauseous all day and even threw up in the morning. Today I’m feeling much better. I’m trying to listen to my body more. I’ve also found and purchased some fantastic EMDR audios on ITunes by “Liborio Conti”. They’re called “EMDR Guided Meditation”, “EMDR, PTSD Trauma Restorative Relief”, and “EMDR Therapy Sessions”. I love this woman’s voice.
I feel I'm making progress, now if I can get healthy. I've had this horrible constant throat clearing that is so bad my throat is sore and feels raw by the end of the day. Low grade fevers up to 101. I use a script nasal spray and allergy med. I have an appt. next week with my ENT specialist. He dx'd me back in 2012 with a form of acid reflux. When I looked up throat clearing it listed that as the #1 symptom for the type of acid reflux I have.
