I Feel Defeated And Defective Today

[Kefira]

I am sorry that you are in pain. I have been having a similar day and understand how awful it can feel. I'm very glad you're reaching out to the ones you care about and letting them know HOW bad it is. That takes a lot of strength to give voice to the feelings of hopelessness because it's so easy to give into feeling ashamed of them and hide them rather than recognizing that they are temporary and that they need to be shared to get better.

I also can relate to the constant comparison of what I can do now and what I should be able to or used to be able to do or even what I can do on a bad day vs what I can do on a good day. It's certainly a process but I have been trying to take a step back whenever I recognize that sort of negative self talk and remind myself that my experiences big and small have changed me and will continue to change me, and that comparing myself in this moment to myself even an hour ago is unfair. It's difficult and sometimes I fight against it, but the process of learning to understand my expectations of myself also has helped me set more reasonable goals (like doing just one thing tonight I don't want to, rather than trying to cram a full list in) and feel better about myself since I'm not trying to accomplish the impossible.

Right now, I don't feel like I even have a goal. I don't know what that looks like because I can't see my future with PTSD.

This. I understand.

I also agree with everyone else who has said that if you feel like you aren't ready to talk about your latest trauma yet, that's okay and you can work on minimizing your symptoms and getting to a place where you feel more safe and secure. I finally disclosed recently to my main support group and then almost immediately felt repulsed by the thought of talking about it further. This is something I'm also working on accepting as okay. It comes in bits and pieces sometimes and we take steps forward and back.

From what I've seen so far you are an amazing, beautiful strong person and I'm sure you will pick yourself up and try again tomorrow. Until then you've got a place here to get some of the frustration out.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I love you guys--every one of you here. So much.

Thank you. Hubs came home. He said tonight, we watch romantic comedies, eat and relax. He said the plan is, he is coming home on his lunch break tomorrow to be with me to make sure I eat. And then, this weekend, we will relax only and purchase a health insurance plan. Then, next week, he will come home every day on his lunch break, get me to see a Psych for help with depression and anxiety, and get me to see some specialists for PTSD.

He said, "I'm not a professional, but I hear your agony in your identity now vs your identity then and I can see how you need more help with that than we have been doing. Doing what we've always done is not enough and we can't keep doing that anymore."

I think that's a good plan, even though I'm feeling ashamed and find it hard to receive help. I'm going to surrender and allow it.

Tonight, I surrender *waving my white flag*

 

[Ryn]

I'm glad you reached out to them. You need the support and you deserve it! We are here for you if you need to vent.

This will not last forever. This awful pain and the depth of your exhaustion... it won't last forever. I know it feels like it now, but I promise it won't. Hang in there! :hug:

 

[Kefira]

I'm so glad he was supportive and was also able to outline some good immediate and continuing strategies for getting you back to a better spot. Hopefully that will help you to relax a bit and give yourself a break, knowing that the two of you can tackle it together starting with making sure you're eating and physically taken care of tomorrow and building from there.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

He said he could even take a month off of work so that I won't have to be alone because we can afford it. I told him no because he is a man and I know how he gets when he doesn't work. Work makes him feel like a man. I don't want to take that from him. But, he did ask if I just want him to take control of everything until I'm well enough. I reluctantly shook my head yes because I know deep down inside that it is what I need.

He was happy that I said yes. He said, "Good. I can do that. That's what marriage is to me. When one is down, the other carries them until they are better. In sickness and in health. And you don't even realize how much you've done that for me. It's my turn."

I'm so blessed to have a husband like that. I just made myself get up and make dinner. I feel good about doing that. I feel bleak still, but way better than I did a couple of hours ago. Thanks so much you guys for the support.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

He just reminded me that I haven't had a menstrual cycle since September 1st. I completely forgot about that. There could be something hormonal going on or maybe it's a sign of depression. I haven't had that happen since I was with my ex. I didn't have one for a whole 9 months back then.

 

[nomedic1]

I'm so proud of you for telling you husband how you feel , you are going to make it strong, accept all that help and you will find your pathway

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((@nomedic1)))

 

[Bedbug]

I love your husband! What an amazing response! So kind, so supportive, so practical. Truly amazing.

I love your response to his response, too @StrongerNow. I am so glad to read this.

 

[WendyA]

@StrongerNow Wow, thank you for posting!! I know this is about you, but you pretty much wrote where I am at right now. I have no advice, but tons of support and love for you. I may write more later, but I just had to reply because it touched me.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((@WendyA))))

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

For right now, I am concentrating on pushing thoughts away and just keeping my mind clear. I feel so weak physically today and my head hurts. Thank you everyone so much for being here for me. This place is truly healing, there is something so very special about it. I feel very blessed to have this place and you all.

I feel like you are my family.