I Feel Defeated And Defective Today

[seedling]

Just a thought, don't know if this makes sense...

I have started working in the last six months and I feel well enough to sustain it and am continuing treatment that helps me figure things out about dealing with people again etc. When I was very depressed I wasn't able to work and at the time I was a stay at home mom and could work around that according to how I felt.

When I started getting better there appeared opportunities in my life. What are your opportunities right now? Do you have the opportunity to stay at home and spend time in therapy to improve your condition? If that would improve do you think new opportunities would appear as you were able to function more?

Can you use therapy as a way to see if you can find more islands of reality in your life - similar to what your husband provides?.

Is therapy the work you need to be doing now? Your husband is wonderful :) What a great guy.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know you said forget about the big picture, but What do I do when the conversation comes around again with my husband about me getting a job?

He doesn't bring it up a lot. When he does bring it up, he says it's just because he wants me to be happy. He doesn't understand that a job does not cure my depression. A job does not cure PTSD. Yes, not having one probably doesn't help my situation.

Also, him bringing it up, I hate because I hate that someone has to have that conversation with me. I'm a grown woman. I have always been the one having that conversation with my ex who didn't want to pull his weight. He would take advantage of me.

So, when my husband does it, I feel so much shame and feel like I'm going to crack and have a nervous breakdown or something.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm catastrophizing here. I know I am. It's so hard right now.

 

[Bedbug]

Ok, if your husband is dead set on thinking that if you would just get a job you would feel better (rightly or wrongly), then how about you break that down for him:

If you could just get an interview, if you could just put in an application, if you could just make up a CV, if you could just search the job adverts, if you could just go to the shop for the newspapers, if you could just speak to a stranger, if you could just go outside, if you could just get dressed, if you could just take a shower, if you could just get out of bed, if you could just lift your head...

Take it right back to what you can do and ask him to encourage you from that point. Let him have a list of baby steps you are taking towards your recovery. He clearly supports you. Is there some way that you can feel that while he is out at work? Can he phone you during the day? Text you? Leave you notes?

Don't be hard on yourself just because you can't do what you used to be able to do. You used to not have PTSD. You can't compare. It's not fair.

Let your husband support you. It's not a case of you "not pulling your weight". Your situation is nothing to be ashamed of. You husband clearly doesn't think it is either.

Going back to this:

I feel like maybe I need something for depression and anxiety, but that would just add a whole host of tasks to put on my to do list and I can't seem to knock them out fast enough and find a job.

Take some of those big tasks off your to do list and work on the little ones instead. Back to basics.

 

[Bedbug]

I fear medication side effects.

Speak to your doctor about this. Not all anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications have horrendous side effects, or even minor side effects. Also, any that you do experience will most likely settle down after a few weeks. There are many different types and they can be very helpful. Don't rule them out without further thought.

 

[Bedbug]

he would prefer me to work than be a stay at home wife until we have kids.

Hang on, do you even want to work? I don't want to pry into your financial situation and I realise that you may not have an option, but do you want to work? Not until you are feeling a bit better, obviously, but what about other options: studying, volunteering, or just being that "stay at home wife"? Or perhaps they would each be good stepping stones towards getting a job? More steps to add to that list...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I don't have to work. My husband makes really really good money. Before when I asked him if I can be stay at home, he said he didn't think that would make me happy--that it doesn't make anyone happy. And I know he resents me not working. I know he does because every so often, it comes out and he is frustrated. I have a $17K loan we are paying off from when I went to beauty school in 2011. I finished, passed my test and got my professional license, but it was just a lot. After the traumatic experience, I thought if I just threw myself into everything, that I would be okay. That was so not the case. I didn't even feel accomplished after having graduated at the top of my class. I felt no feelings about it at all.

No. I don't want to work because I can't even juggle what I have going on without a job at the moment. I don't feel like you are prying. I am enrolled in a Psychology program at the city college that starts February 11th. I have registered my classes thus far. The only thing I have left to do is get my books.

I don't think my husband is strong enough to handle how I feel. I know that because I know him. That's why I hide it a lot of the time. He is so loving and so kind. He just can't handle what I'm going through. And I think that's what keeps me from drowning, because I am a caretaker, always have been. So, to do anything else, would mean I would lose my identity. Wow. That was really hard to admit that just now.

Right now, I don't feel like I even have a goal. I don't know what that looks like because I can't see my future with PTSD. I feel like everything is so pointless because there is nobody here to be like, "Here is the plan. This is what is going to work. We are going to work through this day by day, and you will get there." I do that for people around me, but nobody does it for me.

I just laid in the bathtub for awhile very frustrated while my head swarmed with thoughts of, "What's the point of all of this?" etc etc. Again, I would never do anything to hurt myself. It's more just a feeling like giving up. I wish I could just give up and have someone save me for once. I know that is nothing more than a rescue fantasy.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know I'm getting super negative. I'm sorry. blahhhhhh It feels so icky.

 

[Bedbug]

Don't apologise. What you are feeling, while painful, is perfectly reasonable. This is a good place to give expression to those kind of feelings. I only wish I could offer more support.

I really think you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to do something to improve your depression and anxiety. You need to do this, at least make a start, before you jump ahead too far. How you do it is up to you. Perhaps call back that therapist you spoke to yesterday? Perhaps speak to your doctor about medication? Perhaps concentrate on self-help for some basic stability for the time being?

I'm not sure what else to say right now (it's late here, 4am, and my brain is tired), but I would like to say:

I think that's what keeps me from drowning, because I am a caretaker, always have been. So, to do anything else, would mean I would lose my identity.

I hear you.

Right now, I don't feel like I even have a goal. I don't know what that looks like because I can't see my future with PTSD.

I hear you.

I wish I could just give up and have someone save me for once.

I hear you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its ok to be afraid to talk about your trauma.

How about this... Instead of thinking so far into the future, you just take things one step at a time. You know that CBT is great for trauma survivors, so for now, just focus on learning CBT skills. Build up your arsenal of coping skills. Don't worry about talking about your trauma for now. The truth is that you may not be ready to talk about your trauma for another year or so, if at all. It may help you to just focus on the here and now, which is finding someone to teach you CBT skills. Once you are more comfortable learning these skills, then you can re-evaluate your healing plan and go from there.

I have a tendency to try and plan out every single step of an event or process. It really drives my family nuts, as many of them are spur of the moment kind of people, but it balances out as I am able to the planning for them and they keep me more spontaneous. But I digress... What I mean to say is that I am trying to not plan ahead in my own life. For example, I typically try to determine where I want to go and then plan every step from here until then. I am trying to change that, as I am trying to figure out a career path. Instead of picking a certain career and then taking the right classes that lead to that career, I am just taking classes one semester at a time based on what I am interested in, and I am letting things naturally unfold. I think that you should consider taking the same approach to therapy. You know that you want to heal, but you can't necessarily know the right path to take at this point. Just start out by learning CBT skills, and once you feel comfortable in your skill level, then you can decide the next step to take. Thinking of the whole enchilada all at once can be very overwhelming. It take a bit of faith to know that you're on the right path without knowing all the steps along the way, but yes, it can indeed work out in the end.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just texted my mom and my husband. I told them both that I do not want to live anymore. I told them that I would never do anything to harm myself because of my faith but that is how badly I am hurting. I told them that I need help. I do not have enough strength to do it on my own. My head is really bleak right now. I feel powerless but I am doing everything in my power to keep it at that. I know that I can but that is all I know right now. Nothing else is getting through. I can post. I can cry. I can text but that is it. I literally feel like I am trapped in a tunnel right now. There is a war going on in my head. I cannot feel anything but the pain.

 

[Bedbug]

Telling them sounds like a very good first step.

Keep posting here.