Told Someone I Was Dating ... Feeling Defective

[gist]

Just told someone I was dating that I have PTSD. We hadn't been on many dates, but I feel bad not letting someone know what they're getting into. It took him a bit, and then he responded with "I don't have a high tolerance for mental health issues. I understand it's a struggle for people I just don't want any part of it. I also dislike dependency. "

For context, I told him in person, he responded in text. He was probably trying to be nice since I had board exams today, so, at least he waiting until that was over.

I know I should be grateful that I found out early before I got emotionally invested, but, instead, I feel like a defective person. It hurts so much to know that things I didn't choose to happen are still messing with my life. I wish so much that they had never happened.

 

[hodge]

I'm sorry, gist, but probably you were actually saved from a bad relationship. If he can't handle it, you need to move on. You are not defective. You just have challenges in your life that many others don't. Please don't let this get your self-esteem down. There are guys who can handle this. They're out there. I don't know how to find them, since I've been married for 14 years. But I know they're out there.

I hope your boards went well.

 

[Justmehere]

Here's the good thing, you did a very good job of ruling him out. Fast. That's what dating is for. It hurts along the way to run into the ill fitting dates, especially when it's about something like PTSD. Stigma is real and it stinks BIG time. I've have dated a couple of people who said similar things when I dared to say I have PTSD. It really stir up a lot of feelings for me about having PTSD.

But YOU are not defective. You have been through horrible trauma, and you have real symptoms that you are dealing with now, but you are not defective.

You are a brave and courageous soul who dared to be a little vulnerable with this guy. You deserve someone who would be delighted to get to know you better and cherish you for who you are. PTSD and all. Everyone is fighting a battle of some kind, you have the courage to know what yours is and to own it.

This guy's battle? Well, he apparently can't deal with 1/4 of the population that have a diagnosible metal health condition of one kind or another, and the even higher percentage of people that don't have full blown conditions, but do have some kind of mental health symptom or two on any given day.

And he doesn't even have the courage to communicate his battle in person, but texted it. Ugh. His stance and limits are really saying something about him, not you. Give back the judgements of being defective to him. They are his. Try not to take them on as yours. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @gist . I had a hard time 'liking' @Justmehere 's post, not because it isn't true for you, but because it's hard to believe for myself. (It might be hard for you to believe for yourself also). But justmehere is right. And what stands out to me, is he is going to have a difficult time with relationships, because relationships involve interdependence.

(And I hope your Board exams went well. :hug: )

 

[Casey_03]

In my experience, many people who respond this way (immediately but politely cut all ties and say they can't deal with it) do so because they themselves had a really bad experience in the past with someone suffering from a mental illness. I've known a handful of people who had close friends commit suicide and they tend to respond this way, not because the person they are responding to is defective, but because they themselves have trauma they haven't dealt with. I know how much hearing that probably hurt, and it would hurt me too, but try to combat that pain by objectively realizing this probably had nothing to do with you. And yeah, ultimately, you did dodge a bullet here.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think Casey may have hit the nail on the head here. What strikes me is that he not only says he has low tolerance for those with mental health issues, but also that he has low tolerance for dependency. I don't know about anyone else, but dependency isn't the first thing that I think of when I hear "mental health". Personally, if anything, I fight tooth and nail to remain independent, so much so that it isn't conducive to actually having a relationship. This is why I think he's been in a relationship of some sort with someone who had mental health issues and he felt they were too dependent upon him.

Yes, it hurts very much so to be rejected. I think it's very cowardly to "break up" over text. It's the modern day "Sex in The City" Carrie post it note break up thing. Not classy at all, and quite undignified. This guy was treating you as the disorder and not as an individual. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. I believe that you will find the right person for you and they will see "Gist, the person who happens to deal with PTSD" instead of "mentally ill Gist."

Right now I know it hurts. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk, it could be as @Casey_03 said, who knows.

But I came back here before I saw that to say, I realize you've said it's a few dates only. I think I would possibly be freaked out if it were something that *I*, myself, was uncomfortable about, or that I stigmatized (which wouldn't be right of me, but I might do, or did once many years ago I know).

I agree too, how that equates to dependence is beyond me. Bigger likelihood of isolation or leaving with ptsd. I don't know how many of us are that willing or able to spill our guts about details or the 'daily ptsd grind' . (FWIW, if someone just said it was 'ok' I'd think they probably are uniformed/ have no idea, & I'd have to protect them from it.)

I realize you want to be upfront, but I must say just for myself I would/ could never be that vulnerable with a virtual stranger. I don't think most people 'love' someone or plan their future together off the top too often (you may decide not to continue dating for a variety of reasons, your reasons too, & no hard feelings) , so (for me) it's reasonable to wait at the very least. Ultimately you are who you are, you gel or you don't, whether they know the label or not, & it either progresses or turns. (Though I respect if you have that strength to do it & it is good for you, then :tup: . :) )

:hug:'s. I too think you dodged a bullet. I told one person once (friend) they said they were grateful I told them (I presumed it was horrid) That's a lot kinder. It might have been a lie, but Idk. Still kind though. By text is a bit, Idk, not the best if you're going out. (I get the feeling you would have afforded him more care or manners if it were reversed.)

 

[Tinyflame]

It came to me; interactions with some people will leave us more likely to feel defective (or not).

Provided we're working on it though, that's actually more up to them.

I've actually met people who said they didn't feel that way about me,but I felt that way about me. So they had something or a view I didn't. (The reversal of this situation.)

:hug: @gist .

 

[gist]

Thank you all! You really helped me come to terms with how I felt <3