DogwoodTree
Platinum Member
I planned to just lurk for a while, but there are too many good conversations going on here to stay silent.
So...I don't feel like going into a lot of details. Big picture: I was conceived in marital rape, which continued to be the way my dad treated my mom until they divorced when I was 7 (after a few more kids...I'm the oldest). I have a recovered memory of my dad molesting me at about age 6, and I've been told for years by my mom about another young girl he molested when Mom was pregnant with one of my sisters. My dad was a teacher, and was repeatedly accused of molesting/harassing students at different schools. The divorce was nasty--lots of fighting over custody, and us kids were caught in the middle. I learned very early to put my needs aside in order to take care of everyone else. Now I don't even know how to be emotionally present in a conversation at all. I think I've mostly been dissociated pretty much my whole life.
My mom remarried right after I turned 14. My stepdad was probably dx'able as a psychopath. He molested my sisters and me out in the open within our family from the beginning. He told us that it was his duty as our "dad" to teach us how to relate to our future husbands, and my mom was so brainwashed that she had no idea that what he was doing was wrong. She was later dx'd with multiple personality disorder (this was the early 90's). I was never raped by him, but everything was talked about in a sexual context, and eventually there was quite a bit of sexual contact short of intercourse. When I left for college, I was suicidally depressed and went for counseling, where my T helped me report my stepdad to the authorities. My mom at first denied that anything was wrong, but eventually came around, and soon after had a mental breakdown, which is when she was dx'd with MPD.
By the grace of God, I managed to marry a very caring, compassionate, attentive man. He has his issues, as does everyone, but he's an amazing father and husband overall. We have 4 kids and been married for nearly 20 years. I've had frequent flashbacks in times of intimacy with him, but I've always tried to keep it a secret because I didn't want to bother him with it. (He's an accountant...psychological stuff isn't exactly a comfort zone for him.) But a few years ago we moved closer to my mom so I could work for her, and most of my defenses fell apart. The flashbacks became unmanageable, the codependency issues in our extended family (some of my sisters also live in the same town) could no longer be avoided, and my deep depression resurfaced with a vengeance. I started trying to get help, and in the course of all that, discovered that I likely have Asperger's. I had covered it up somewhat successfully out of necessity for survival. As I started to discover my more "authentic self"...this stuff came to the surface very clearly.
So...currently...DH is doing the best he knows how to be supportive. I'm still working for my mom, but trying to keep as much distance as I reasonably can while I work through my junk. I started seeing a professional T at the beginning of the year (had been seeing lay counselors at my church before that), and about a month ago we started working with an equine therapist. Remains to be seen how effective that will be. I really do struggle simply to be present when I'm around people. And even horses feel alien to me (even though I grew up around them).
The mood swings have somewhat stabilized, though there are still really dark battles in the abyss...they just don't last as long now. Actually, I think I'm more numb than having true freedom to feel in a healthy way, but working on that. The flashbacks have mostly tapered off, but I think that's primarily because DH and I are mostly avoiding physical contact, especially intimate contact. This has been really hard on him to not have those times together, and I'm not happy with this arrangement, either. But it's better than having those awful flashbacks. One of my yardsticks to measure therapy success is my ability to touch and be touched by my husband. I'm not healed until there is freedom in that.
The loneliness in this thing is still very suffocating...I feel no connection with anyone on a deep level. I didn't have a safe parent or other adult growing up...no one to tell me that I'm okay, that I deserve to be loved for who I am. And I find it extremely difficult to be myself with anyone. So even though I reach out to people, either I'm doing it wrong and driving people away, or I'm simply not present even when they respond. I find a place of peace in this only to the degree that I can somehow "accept" being alone inside. If I let myself want connection, or hope that there's a possibility for connection...when it doesn't happen, the failure is devastating. But if I eliminate all expectations for connection, then the loneliness is usually more manageable...but still lonely.
So...I don't feel like going into a lot of details. Big picture: I was conceived in marital rape, which continued to be the way my dad treated my mom until they divorced when I was 7 (after a few more kids...I'm the oldest). I have a recovered memory of my dad molesting me at about age 6, and I've been told for years by my mom about another young girl he molested when Mom was pregnant with one of my sisters. My dad was a teacher, and was repeatedly accused of molesting/harassing students at different schools. The divorce was nasty--lots of fighting over custody, and us kids were caught in the middle. I learned very early to put my needs aside in order to take care of everyone else. Now I don't even know how to be emotionally present in a conversation at all. I think I've mostly been dissociated pretty much my whole life.
My mom remarried right after I turned 14. My stepdad was probably dx'able as a psychopath. He molested my sisters and me out in the open within our family from the beginning. He told us that it was his duty as our "dad" to teach us how to relate to our future husbands, and my mom was so brainwashed that she had no idea that what he was doing was wrong. She was later dx'd with multiple personality disorder (this was the early 90's). I was never raped by him, but everything was talked about in a sexual context, and eventually there was quite a bit of sexual contact short of intercourse. When I left for college, I was suicidally depressed and went for counseling, where my T helped me report my stepdad to the authorities. My mom at first denied that anything was wrong, but eventually came around, and soon after had a mental breakdown, which is when she was dx'd with MPD.
By the grace of God, I managed to marry a very caring, compassionate, attentive man. He has his issues, as does everyone, but he's an amazing father and husband overall. We have 4 kids and been married for nearly 20 years. I've had frequent flashbacks in times of intimacy with him, but I've always tried to keep it a secret because I didn't want to bother him with it. (He's an accountant...psychological stuff isn't exactly a comfort zone for him.) But a few years ago we moved closer to my mom so I could work for her, and most of my defenses fell apart. The flashbacks became unmanageable, the codependency issues in our extended family (some of my sisters also live in the same town) could no longer be avoided, and my deep depression resurfaced with a vengeance. I started trying to get help, and in the course of all that, discovered that I likely have Asperger's. I had covered it up somewhat successfully out of necessity for survival. As I started to discover my more "authentic self"...this stuff came to the surface very clearly.
So...currently...DH is doing the best he knows how to be supportive. I'm still working for my mom, but trying to keep as much distance as I reasonably can while I work through my junk. I started seeing a professional T at the beginning of the year (had been seeing lay counselors at my church before that), and about a month ago we started working with an equine therapist. Remains to be seen how effective that will be. I really do struggle simply to be present when I'm around people. And even horses feel alien to me (even though I grew up around them).
The mood swings have somewhat stabilized, though there are still really dark battles in the abyss...they just don't last as long now. Actually, I think I'm more numb than having true freedom to feel in a healthy way, but working on that. The flashbacks have mostly tapered off, but I think that's primarily because DH and I are mostly avoiding physical contact, especially intimate contact. This has been really hard on him to not have those times together, and I'm not happy with this arrangement, either. But it's better than having those awful flashbacks. One of my yardsticks to measure therapy success is my ability to touch and be touched by my husband. I'm not healed until there is freedom in that.
The loneliness in this thing is still very suffocating...I feel no connection with anyone on a deep level. I didn't have a safe parent or other adult growing up...no one to tell me that I'm okay, that I deserve to be loved for who I am. And I find it extremely difficult to be myself with anyone. So even though I reach out to people, either I'm doing it wrong and driving people away, or I'm simply not present even when they respond. I find a place of peace in this only to the degree that I can somehow "accept" being alone inside. If I let myself want connection, or hope that there's a possibility for connection...when it doesn't happen, the failure is devastating. But if I eliminate all expectations for connection, then the loneliness is usually more manageable...but still lonely.
