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Emotion from therapist

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Honestly I’m not sure after 6 sessions her reaction is ok tbh, any time I’ve heard of a T have an e...

It's not been my experience with other T's but that doesn't necessarily mean it was wrong that she is like that, but I do want to be cautious. What she read this week were some of my more vivid memories, they were very short, often 1 or 2 words but it would have given her a good sense of what went on, although all negative which maybe in hindsight I should have given a better balance, not everyday of my childhood was bad. Prior to this she had very vague details, although as a sexual abuse and violence charity that is a big element of it which we obviously both know.

She seemed very respectful of what I wanted her to do having read it and seemed more than able to go into more details or to leave it but acknowledge what it said, she was really careful of me not wanting to feel having shared it was going to be pushed aside. I felt really overwhelmed and couldn't say anymore about those memories but I hope next week will be easier. We still have a fairly productive session but it just didn't involve the telling of the memories.

I'll see how next week goes, how I feel and how she works with me.
 
Being honest and open with a therapist makes me vulnerable because the therapist has all the power. This just the truth. My track record with therapists has been when I am open and honest about my reactions, feelings, thoughts I have been terminated twice by two different therapists. For the very reason of telling them my feelings or experiences in therapy I have been terminated. All of it was trust related and all of it emotion related. I'm not even talking about disclosing sexual feelings for the therapist or something really hard for some therapist to deal with and causes some to immediately refer you out. My disclosing of my feelings were simple: when you, therapist, did x-y-z, I "felt" this way and thought these thoughts. Boom. Terminated. Someone may say well at least I saved all that time and all that money because why would I want to work with someone like that. Let me tell you--it hurts like you cannot even describe, it put my life in jeopardy, and there is no reasoning about it, no logical way to look at it.

If your issues are from childhood (if not I know that's different cuz I got a lot of crap as an adult too and there is a difference) if the ptsd is from childhood there is probably that fear of being abandoned. At least for me the abandonment wound is so deep and so painful (yet is healing-truthfully) that the risk of a termination is too, too great. I'm including being "referred out" or "transitioned" to another therapist. Still Abandonment. So my advice is to really listen to yourself and you will know if you should go forward with her or what is really going on with you. Not all therapists can handle a client saying they have negative reactions to what the therapist is doing. In fact a lot of them can't due to a lack of understanding and their own "issues." Continue to protect yourself, and go at the pace that is right for you. Don't disclose your feelings unless you know you can handle a termination and I am being very serious. It's very real possibility. You know if you can handle that. Even after 6 sessions you probably know if you have formed any attachment to this person or not. If so, tread carefully in any area you don't feel safe in.

This is all just my opinion, of course. I apologize if I'm being bossy. I don't mean to be. Just sharing my own experiences. For me I never cried for myself for ANYTHING because my life was threatened if I had any negative emotions. Then as I aged the message of "get over it" be "mature" etc just made me detach more and more from my negative and painful emotions. Yet they were there buried and locked away. I am a human afterall. It's bullcrap to tell a child not to cry. It's good to say "things will be ok, you'll get through this, Im here," but it's cruel to say don't cry. For me I could tell I needed to express those emotions because they were coming out as panic attacks and agoraphobia--that feeling of being trapped and can't get away. I just couldn't access them. Finally because of therapy something happened really painful happened in therapy, and then I have not been able to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I thing I'm learning how to cry now actually. I'm sort of like a toddler that just starts balling her eyes out at the smallest provocation. That is actually progress for me, though the pendulum swung way the other way. I think it will swing back to a more healthy expression load at some point. Yet, I still truly wish my therapist cared about me, and could show it, but it is not meant to be.
If the therapist was crying, or being too emotional, maybe I could not have had the "room" in the "room" to get in touch with my own super painful feelings. Seriously it's like being stabbed in the heart and swept away in a flood. It's awful! Yet-healing.
 
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I should have given a better balance, not everyday of my childhood was bad. Prior to this she had very vague details, although as a sexual abuse and violence charity
So, this is the danger of Ts not managing their emotion well - therapy is a space where you can share anything without worrying about the Ts feelings - no need to balance anything and honestly if she’s working with a charity supporting people following sexual abuse, I’d expect her to be a good bit more robust. Being tearful 6 sessions in and without you sharing fully what happened isn’t great. It’s definitely worth talking to her about it but this early on I’d be inclined not to spent too much time working on a therapeutic relationship with someone I wasn’t sure could hold my stuff.
 
@hithere, I certainly worry about abandonment, the sessions are limited in number so it is hard to get close when you know it's temporary although saying this I have worked in this way before and still managed to make progress, so I also shouldn't just dismiss it. Having been disbelieved as a child there is a lot of fear of that happening again, or being told I am making something out of nothing (something I also always say to myself as a coping mechanism). As a child I learnt no good comes from sharing and it is hard to fight those deep, old feelings, to realise and feel safe in this being different. The fear of being told I am wrong, making it up or making something out of nothing is immense.

@Suzetig, I do agree, it makes me nervous to share as I feel uncomfortable with her reaction regardless of it being valid or ok, I don't want to have to worry about being uncomfortable and then closing up because of it. I am going to have to find something to say to express this, that is makes me uncomfortable. She didn't seem nervous of delving deeper that reassuring. I can only think with this being her job she is used to hearing difficult stories.
 
I still haven’t figured out how to properly quote on this site. You mentioned that you don’t want to tell her things because you’re afraid of her reaction. That’s exactly why I never confided anything in my mother, I could never have my own emotions or reactions to things, it always ended up about her being sad. I’m 26 now and I still struggle with this. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, it was for the best, I was in the car talking on bluetooth and her reaction was “OMG NO!!!! I’m so sorry! What happened?!!” She was shocked because I didn’t tell her about my issues, but then her reaction made me cry... while I was driving. I was dealing with it in my own way and her reaction overshadowed my feelings about my own emotions. You do not want that in a therapist.

This may be the most judgemental I have been on this site, but she sounds to me like some new-age hippie (in a bad way) who rejects conventions even if they’re there for a reason and goes off of feelings and connections and some crap. What are her credentials? Again, I know I’m being super judemental and I usually am not like this, but that just sounds wrong!
 
I still haven’t figured out how to properly quote on this site. You mentioned that you don’t want...

Hi @AliciaEff, the more I am seeing her the more I feel she is trying to show me how it is ok to react. I have coped by being very dismissive of my own emotions and by minimising what happened, I think she is trying to display it is ok to feel affected by it.

We talked yesterday about her reaction, she reinforced that she can hold my story, that I don’t need to worry about her and wanted to know how it made me feel. It is a reaction I am not used to but it doesn’t necessarily feel negative, there is something reassuring in it.

Also, wow, I related to your mother story! A little while ago at a family dinner, my mum, my brother and I were discussing growing up. I said to my (absuive) brother that as a child I couldn’t wait to be old enough to move out and never see him again. The next day my mum said that me say that had really upset her. I wanted to scream “how do you think it felt for me to live with him!” Like with you I felt my emotions were completely invalid and were allowed no space. Either she like me is able to minimise and dismiss what she witnessed or has a very selective memory. Thankfully this T doesn’t seem to be displaying this, if anything it’s the complete opposite.
 
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