Emotional Affair

[AlmostFellForIt]

As the fabric of my relationship has unravelled rapidly since my diagnosis I find out my partner has been getting closer to a guy she dated years ago.

I express my unease at the fact that she's getting closer to another male precisely as we drift apart... Lack of healthy regard etc. She defends the situation (were friends)... his text increase regarding here wellbeing, probing further etc. she obliges, consoles in him ...we hit a wall, "I'm so confused" she states as she refuses to try therapy. Then comes home late one night after ignoring my calls and choses to lie to me about being with him. The "friend” begins to take on the role as the partner, two relationships evolve, the physical one with me, the mental fantasy one with him.We then break up in the middle of it.

Am I wrong to feel this as cheating.?

 

[Friday]

Some people do. I tend to see these things as writing on the wall, or one foot out the door. Natural consequences of a relationship coming to a close with certain people. It's less the transfer of affections, and more the feeling the need to remove them in the first place.

Honor can be found in both directions. Meaning is it more honorable to break up with someone when you feel the need to remove your affections from them, or to try and stay in the relationship by getting emotional support elsewhere for awhile? No right answer, really. True affairs are pretty cut & dried, but a lot of people seek out emotional support from friends during hard times just to get them through it / give their long term relationship a chance to meet their needs again. Runs the whole gamut from just meeting with friends, to moving in with family for awhile. And results split in both directions, whether their primary relationship comes back even stronger, or whether they realize their primary relationship is done for. In either case, getting your emotional needs met elsewhere is a sign the relationship is on the ropes.

 

[Nam]

No, you're not wrong. In many ways, emotional affairs hurt much worse than sexual affairs. Sexual is a betrayal of lust, emotional affair is the betrayal of a best friend. And like any affair, she may love the act of cheating more than the actual person. The excitement is addicting.

Relationships can be mended, but it takes years and lots of work. The cheater has to cut off all communication from this other person. She will go through the grieving process of losing said person. And the partner will have to be the consoling friend she needs to help bridge the gap. Sounds icky...but that's how it works.

I wish you better love in the future whether with her or another.

 

[chicken sammich]

Hi. To feel is to be human. You are not wrong to feel what you feel, based on what is happening in your life. I was reading and then you mentioned the "L" word. Being friends with the opposite sex can be healthy, but when one begins to LIE about their actions/whereabouts/conversations, then they are truly disrupting the balance of a relationship.
My man has been talking and texting a woman and I admire that he is open and honest with me about it. She is going through a terrible time with her boyfriend/his friend, who suffers from PTSD. She is at a loss for what to do, his behavior has become erratic and downright dangerous. My man, a retired Marine who has managed his PTSD very well, has been a good friend to her and I commend him for offering her some comfort. But that is all he is offering to her, and for that, our trust is strong. I am very sorry your lady is not being honest with you. I hope she sees the light.
Be honest with yourself and treat yourself well.

 

[scout86]

My perspective is going to be a little skewed, because I was accused of having "an emotional affair". I don't even know what that IS. (And would be interested to learn. My ex never answered the question.)

I don't think a feeling can exactly be "wrong", You feel what you feel. From there, we need to consider your definitions, her definitions, stuff like that.

In my version of reality, people don't OWN other people. They just don't. I was never the property of my ex, regardless of what he thought. I made promises. I kept them, because that's something I think a person should do. He made the same promises. I have no idea if he kept them or not. I never really worried about it. (BTW, turns out he lied A LOT, so may not have been so good at keeping promises either.)

What you describe as a starting point sounds to me like a relationship that was in trouble and she needed things she wasn't getting from the relationship and she found a way to meet the need elsewhere. I did that. Couldn't talk to my ex. There was no way he was going to listen. I needed to come up with a plan and needed feedback. I went to friends. A couple of them were male. It never occurred to me that there was a version of reality where I was only allowed to confide in female friends. The lying, to me, was not ok, on your ex's part, but that's maybe just me. The way I handled things, once it became clear there was no hope for the relationship, I said that and filed paperwork and felt like all obligations to my ex, beyond honesty, were cancelled.

I guess, if I was in your situation, I'd consider that the relationship wasn't working. She apparently decided she had no more to give to the idea of making it work or fixing things. That's too bad, from your perspective and I can see how you'd feel hurt, abandoned, and a bunch of other things. She moved on in a way that was maybe a bit hasty. You could call that "cheating" I guess. How does it affect you going forward?

 

[Glenn R.]

AlmostFellForIt: My heart is with you!

 

[Recovery4Me]

If it crosses your boundaries and you feel violated then it is not comfortable for you. If she won't go to therapy, perhaps you will still go for you...as you will always be the constant dynamic within your relationships. In this manner, you can speak to her from a position of strength.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

What you describe as a starting point sounds to me like a relationship that was in trouble and she needed things she wasn't getting from the relationship ....She apparently decided she had no more to give to the idea of making it work or fixing things. That's too bad, from your perspective and I can see how you'd feel hurt, abandoned, and a bunch of other things. She moved on in a way that was maybe a bit hasty. You could call that "cheating" I guess. How does it affect you going forward?

It affects me because it damages trust, it's like she's acting out of spite.It hurt when i realized she was in pain, it hurts even more when she refused therapy and it hurt 10 fold when She lied and repeatedly kept seeing him knowing every time it would cause a huge problem between us. I don't see how someone can refuse therapy if they truly love someone and really wanted it. She obviously didn't..... But to keep doing something that clearly hurts me and drives us apart is the worst part... In the midst of a breakup, people need to be honest, in the midst of PTSD I can't be tested like that, I just don't handle it well.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

If she won't go to therapy, perhaps you will still go for you...as you will always be the constant dynamic within your relationships.

Her reason for refusing therapy was that she,
1. Had nothing left , was tired etc.
2. Didn't see a point as were not married or have had kids.
3.Didn't believe it would work

Point 2 was like a knife to my chest. Marriage and kids are not the measure of a relationship. I was like "Really, so the relationship itself means nothing then"? You don't measure the value of a relationship by those things, the fabric of the relationship is what's important... At least to me.

People try therapy when they hit a wall, out of options, tried everything, can't get through it. Points 1 and 3 seem like things you'd say because you just wanted out.

 

[shimmerz]

Some people just aren't cut out for this stuff. I would rather know that now then be part way through healing and find out.

 

[scout86]

@AlmostFellForIt , it really sounds like she had given up and things, for her, were just too far gone for her to want to work on it. It's totally understandable that you're feeling hurt and betrayed. I don't think she should have lied to you. I also don't think one partner gets to tell the other who they can and can't hang out with. In my own case, I'm glad I didn't walk away from my friends, because they were still my friends long after the marriage was over. And my marriage was over because it needed to be.

I hope that you can move on and deal with the effects of your PTSD and that somewhere down the road, a partner waits for you who will love you as you love her.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

@AlmostFellForItIt's totally understandable that you're feeling hurt and betrayed. I don't think she should have lied to you. I also don't think one partner gets to tell the other who they can and can't hang out with..

I agree , and never said she can't see him, she used to see him months ago and I was fine with it. It crossed the line for me once she started to tell him about our problems then hide it from me... They basically planned together to do things that couples would do...I didn't even know of it.Since she know it hurts so much, repeatedly seeing him after this just feels like fuel on the fire. Once we physically separate though.. Different story.