The negative emotional games people play

[Ecdysis]

I'm starting to realise one thing that I found very upsetting as a child (especially growing up in a traumatic environment) was observing the negative emotional games people play...

As a child, I found this especially distressing to observe in adults... I found children and animals to be much more natural and congruent in their emotional expression...

From a very early age, I could "see" what people were feeling and I remember being startled by the discrepancies of what people feel VS think VS say VS act... (most of all adults)...

So, for example, as a young child, I could see that someone felt hurt, but pretended that it didn't matter to them....

Or, that someone would feel overwhelmed and upset, but would lash out in anger at a bystander, (falsely) blaming them for their frustration...

I could tell that people (adults) were often not even aware of what they felt, or would deny it to themselves and others, that their behaviour was often the opposite of their feelings, that they wouldn't admit their feelings, that they couldn't seem to "read" the emotions of others correctly, that they'd lie and deflect about their feelings, etc.

As a child, I remember thinking how "obvious" people's emotions seemed to me, but that they'd make this huge (painful) complicated mess of their emotions that made it impossible to deal with them in a healthy way.

It made me really mistrust (and dislike) most adults.

Even adults who would put on this act of being "really normal and stable and dependable" like many of my teachers, felt fake to me... I could tell that's not how they really felt, that they were just putting on an act...

Thankfully, there was that tiny percentage of people (adults) that did feel emotionally congruous and actually balanced and emotionally well-regulated, but omg was that a rare thing!

All of this was a very, very deep early impression for me that's shaped the rest of my life ever since.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it might be common. Even now we mask.

But it gets wearing being authentic, or holding it together when others won't, or pretending to be normal after being berated, or being the one to try to turn down the temperature or reach out or try to give the generous explanation. I hear ya.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I like authentic people and I really don’t know how to deal with those who are not. I think for most of my life I had such a low opinion of myself that any friend was better than none even if they were not authentic. That doesn’t end well so I am really trying as I build my new life to be careful who I associate with.

 

[arfie]

Thankfully, there was that tiny percentage of people (adults) that did feel emotionally congruous and actually balanced and emotionally well-regulated, but omg was that a rare thing!

we're all walking contradictions
partly truth and partly fiction
taking every wrong direction
on the lonely way back home. ~kris kristofferson

somewhere along the way i grew convinced that no one --not even perfect little me-- is 100% anything 100% of the time. assholes can be found guilty of kindness. mother teresa was reported to have a mouth that could send bars full of horny sailors running for the safety of their preachers. the most authentic of us have been know to tell a lie or don a mask of social propriety. hard core liars have been known to commit honesty.

but it remains a rare thing to experience a moment of emotional congruity and balance. the question of balance is an ongoing challenge for all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @arfie is right, we likely notice in others what is familiar because we do it ourselves. And the prevalence being more one of lots of mirroring of people who didn't know how or didn't feel entitled to ask for their needs to be met. And/ or were caretakers of others' feelings.

There is a similar term, usually referenced when a family member is ill, of the glass child. Or glass adult for that matter. Sort of like trying and succeeding to be invisible. But in reality noticing all the incongruencies.

 

[deno]

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like being seen meant being hurt. That visibility made me a target of blame, of shame, of other people’s projections. So, I adapted: I faded, I minimized, I tried to become what others needed, not who I really was. It wasn’t safe to be real.

I’ve started learning that the right people won’t punish vulnerability. They won’t need me to shrink to feel okay about themselves. And maybe the most healing thing is realizing I don’t have to prove my worth to be worthy.

Some days I still flinch at being seen. But I’m also realizing how much strength it takes to show up honestly—and how rare and beautiful it is when someone sees you and stays.

 

[Movingforward10]

All of this was a very, very deep early impression for me that's shaped the rest of my life ever since.

It sounds like hypervigilence? Your innate ability to read everyone around you. Safety in knowing what people are feeling and then how they act.

I choose not to be friends with people who play games. although, everything is on a spectrum?

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @ all

I should note, that of course as I grew up amidst pain and confusion, I've "learned" to do these stupid things too, with my emotions and now as an adult, I'll pretend I'm not hurt, when I am, and lash out in frustration at someone who doesn't deserve it.

I just remember so vividly, as a child, thinking how broken all those adults were, how not-in-tune with their emotions they were, how crazy they seemed to me and how I never wanted to be like that.

Now, sometimes when I see very young children, I can see that innocence in them that I used to have then too, and they're so fully in tune with their feelings, they have that wisdom that only innocence can give you... that "from the mouths of babes" energy...

I'm jaded too now, but I remember so clearly when I wasn't and how shocked I was to be born into a jaded world.

 

[arfie]

I should note, that of course as I grew up amidst pain and confusion, I've "learned" to do these stupid things too, with my emotions and now as an adult, I'll pretend I'm not hurt, when I am, and lash out in frustration at someone who doesn't deserve it.

in my later learning i learned that many of those stupid things started as the coping mechanisms of that innocent child you mentioned. they work splendidly for a toddler. they look kinda silly on a 70 year old, but hey. . . i like silly when i can keep it fun.

@Tinyflame mentioned, "mirroring." i learned mirroring way back when my working dx was, "manic depression" and have come to swear by it. when i start swinging my judge's gavel to pronounce other people this, that or the next thing, i mirror the details of what bugs me about them and typically find at least one of those "stupid" things which looked better on a toddler than an adult.

for what it's worth
in my own therapy sessions i call that frustrated lashing out, "random targeting." here in my second parenting career i fanatically believe that toddlers are quite prone to random targeting. when i keep my random targeting childish, it can provide the cathartic release of laughter. a toddler tantrum often summarizes situations far more eloquently than a legal contract.

 

[deno]

I relate to what you wrote—how the world felt off as a child, and how you could see the truth behind people’s emotional masks. I had that same experience, and over time, I learned to put on my mask to survive. The hardest part now is learning to take it off, little by little, and trust that I don’t have to shrink anymore. That there are people who won’t punish vulnerability or use honesty against you. I’m still working on believing that being seen won’t destroy me—it might heal me. I think that’s why this thread matters so much. It’s real. And being real in a world that teaches you to hide is a kind of revolution.

 

[Ecdysis]

Saw a really good video about this today...

The parentificaiton of seeing your abusive parents' emotions and helping them to regulate, instead of them seeing your emotions as a kid and helping you regulate...

 

[Anitza]

Saw a really good video about this today...

The parentificaiton of seeing your abusive parents' emotions and helping them to regulate, instead of them seeing your emotions as a kid and helping you regulate...

Thank You for posting this video!