Emotional Flashbacks

[srp]

I just read the post from Shiraz on Emotional Flashbacks and I believe I'm experiencing one. It's been a couple of weeks of anxiety and fear that keeps building. I just keep thinking of all the possible worst outcomes in the different areas of my life.

I'm exhausted from the mental torture of it. Been here before but don't know how I got out of it. I never knew it to be a flashback because it isn't one event that I remember but many feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I hope this makes sense. But I totally feel like that little helpless, frightened kid who could not stop the insane behavior he was witnessing. Then I beat myself up for feeling this way because I have a life to live and responsibilities to fulfill. But I'm frozen in these feelings. Walking around like I'm 5 years old instead of 46. Where do I go? Who do I reach out to? I just want to know everything will be all right. I just want the fear to stop!

 

[TLight]

I understand where you are at.

I guess the best advice I can offer is that if any time is appropriate to bug the heck out of your therapist...........this is it. Rely on them when you are feeling this fragile. Just to talk, even if it's 5 times a day. REach out to them or a crisis line............just talking about what you are experiencing is calming.

Medication is your 2nd line of relief.

Other than that..........well, we are here and your not alone.

Sometimes we need intense comforting and you hired your T for that...........utilize it.
Thinking of you.

 

[Dylan]

Hi SRP,

The ramping up of symptoms can be taken as a warning - that triggered part is expressing distress. My most recent experience with this showed me that I need to learn to hear, and heed, symptoms of distress. Because I've lived so many years with very high levels of anxiety, when it starts to ramp up I may not react, or even know how to respond. I kind of go into a survival mode - not a lot of self-awareness going on.

My counselor is working to help me learn that when symtpoms ramp up, that's the time to marshal all my resources: counseling (increase sessions if I'm already in counseling), group support, yoga, meditation, exercise, reduce caffeine (if I drink caffeinated drinks), reduce or stop drinking (for many of us it's tempting to use alcohol to try controlling anxiety/agitation and other increased symptoms), reduce other stressors -- work, kids, whatever -- as much as possible till the symptoms are brought back under control.
If all of that doesn't do it and my symptoms are continuing to increase, then, as TLight mentioned, considering medication comes in to play.

Have you read the Anxiety section on this site? It might be helpful, also.

You're not alone in this sort of regressive fear. I very much relate to: "Walking around like I'm 5 years old instead of 46". Over time, the development of a nurturing, strong, inner sanctuary will help with that wounded part that, for me, is bereft, abandoned, and utterly alone. Most of my life, turning within did no good. My inner life was barren and without comfort. I think that must be a big part of the chronic anxiety for me: not having any inner champion, but also knowing, deep down, that security can't be found 'out there', either. As I develop that inner "hero", I can begin more and more to turn within, to myself, for comfort, security, solidity and reassurance.

HTH -
-Dylan

 

[skyp56]

I exactly know that feeling, as well. I had that same "buildup" for several months. I did not know what was happening to me. Then I crashed.

What I learned from it is to not ignore that inner voice that says "Something Is Wrong!" My p-doc says I was on the wrong type of medication. He changed it, and now I'm feeling in control, for the first time in a long time. Feeling good, even. I am rebuilding myself, stronger than I was before.

So, yes, talk to your medical/mental health support team. Keep posting here, we do understand and feel your struggle!

Wishing the best for you!
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[This Ends Now]

srp,

::hugs::

I have been flashing back to "angry teenager dealing with my uncle" pretty hard core recently (and at the moment still am). If I was in a more stable place right now I would try to give you advice on keeping in the present... but as is I would say that TLight and Dylan have both given great suggestions and we are here for you.

 

[sticks-and-stones]

As I develop that inner "hero", I can begin more and more to turn within, to myself, for comfort, security, solidity and reassurance.

SRP,

I can totally understand that feeling about feeling five years old and helpless. As has already been suggested, professional help will help a lot - but I do something very similar to Dylan and it's an idea for you to consider... (this probably sounds really weird and like I need to be locked up but bear with me!) I imagine that there's me "S&S", and that all the feelings of helplessness and fear I'm feeling are totally valid, nothing to be ashamed of... but that there's also a "big S&S" which is myself now, stronger, more in control, and is in the here and now which reassures little S&S.
Wow, I've never told anyone or written that down before.

Does it make sense?

 

[srp]

Yes. It all makes sense the way all of you are explaining what's going on with me. I do feel weird calling my Therapist out of session. I don't know why. It sounds like some of you do it. It would probably help. I'm feeling a little better today. Just a little shaky and looking over my shoulder type of thing. My heads a little quieter but I'm still feeling scared. No doubt about it. I'm praying and hoping that I coming out of it. How can I tell?

You've all been a big boost. Thanks!


Steve

 

[intothelight]

:) I am so excited. I realized this is what I experience and even tied one to an event yesterday. My T and I discussed them today and then I checked out an article on the site. I don't know if I read it before or not, but this time it made sense.

Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood.

I have always felt like a real freak because I have so many years of my life missing where I cannot remember anything. This explains it.

emotional flashbacks—sudden and often prolonged regressions (“amygdala hijackings”) to the frightening and abandoned feeling-states of childhood. They are accompanied by inappropriate and intense arousal of the fight/flight instinct and the sympathetic nervous system. Typically, they manifest as intense and confusing episodes of fear, toxic shame, and/or despair, which often beget angry reactions against the self or others. When fear is the dominant emotion in an emotional flashback, the individual feels overwhelmed, panicky or even suicidal.

An explanation of what I call an "attack of the crazy" or the "snap". Something will just make me go over the edge, rationality out the window. What is so disturbing about these episodes is I couldn't identify what triggered then, and they were so sudden and extremely destructive. Now I have a better understanding why I can go from relative stable to self-destructive in zero to sixty.

Although my T is not a trauma specialist, she is very caring and supportive of her patients. She has been learning about PTSD along with me. We have made this a joint journey, and it may sound strange, but what she is not familiar with she learns. However, this aspect of my disorder has always scared her as she is concerned with my potential for suicide. But these responses really do not come out of the blue, and this explains what I experience.

Now the next step is to figure out how to manage them. The article has great suggestions. They are getting more frequent and the severity has increased. Does this happen before a memory returns? How do you manage what you cannot usually recognize until after the fact? One thing I do have is the physical manifestation of body aches and those close to me can see the change even when I can't. They describe it as "the lights are on, but no one is home". But I can't be around people 24/7 so it is up to me to recognize, process and develop a plan for coping.

 

[Abrasky]

[/quote]An explanation of what I call an "attack of the crazy" or the "snap". Something will just make me go over the edge, rationality out the window. What is so disturbing about these episodes is I couldn't identify what triggered then, and they were so sudden and extremely destructive. Now I have a better understanding why I can go from relative stable to self-destructive in zero to sixty.[/quote] I can relate to this. I find that I used to be extremely calm and had no anger, and then 12 years into my therapy I started to snap so it would seem for no reason. I started getting the anger emotional memories back. In my case, it's part of the grief process that happens after trauma. I went from being a calm person who had an unhealthy inability to have any anger, to this volcano. When I got it it was 10 minutes like I was on fire. I dealt with it by in a normal tone swearing at myself and holding in in going to the spare room and punching pillows and swearing. What else can you do with such anger? It's not right to take it out on anyone else. It didn't last forever for me, just 9 months, it is starting to get better. I am not feeling the volcano anymore just angry. The anger is going and is starting to be replaced by better things.

 

[Abrasky]

woops fixing the quote bit.

An explanation of what I call an "attack of the crazy" or the "snap". Something will just make me go over the edge, rationality out the window. What is so disturbing about these episodes is I couldn't identify what triggered then, and they were so sudden and extremely destructive. Now I have a better understanding why I can go from relative stable to self-destructive in zero to sixty.

I can relate to this. I find that I used to be extremely calm and had no anger, and then 12 years into my therapy I started to snap so it would seem for no reason. I started getting the anger emotional memories back. In my case, it's part of the grief process that happens after trauma. I went from being a calm person who had an unhealthy inability to have any anger, to this volcano. When I got it it was 10 minutes like I was on fire. I dealt with it by in a normal tone swearing at myself and holding in in going to the spare room and punching pillows and swearing. What else can you do with such anger? It's not right to take it out on anyone else. It didn't last forever for me, just 9 months, it is starting to get better. I am not feeling the volcano anymore just angry. The anger is going and is starting to be replaced by better things.

 

[blynn895]

:) I am so excited. I realized this is what I experience and even tied one to an event yesterday. My T and I discussed them today and then I checked out an article on the site. I don't know if I read it before or not, but this time it made sense.

Which article is this intothelight? I'd like to read it, it sounds good!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Blyn,

The article is on the home page, under C-PTSD, Emotional Flashbacks. This is not exact, but it should help you find it on the site.

It is great reading!
Deb