Emotional Jet Lag

[Muruluisku]

I was back in Finland for the last few weeks to see my family and friends. Its weird that when I know that I've booked the flights and I have to go, then I just go. I become a robot, I don't feel anything, I don't think much of anything, and when I'm there I don't have nightmares either. It's kind of half existence.... I'm not sure who I'm doing those visits for, maybe mum and dad although it could be for me too...it's so complicated cause I love my dad even though he hurt me, I wish I could stop having any feelings for him but I can't, and that makes me hate my stupid head.. I try to be strong and unaffected but I'm too weak :( I sometimes miss my parents when I'm in England, or I miss my old friends. But when I'm there I don't really feel connected, or any joy of finally seeing them. I'm just so confused.

When I got back home last night the dreaded letter was waiting for me... My first therapy session would be next week Tuesday if I take the place. So, I didn't sleep at all last night. I probably have an emotional jet lag or something for being a robot instead of a girl for the last few weeks. I just kept thinking about everything, and worrying about whether to go to therapy or not. I think I will take the therapy slot and go next Tuesday, but Im so scared, I don't want to go crazier than I already am!

I know you guys have told me many times before therapy can help, and it will be good, but I'm just so scared of everything about it :( Could I have a comfort hug, please?

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, darling, you can have as many hugs as you need...( :affection: :affection: :affection: ) * ( :affection: :affection::affection:) * ...

I understand you are scared, please, trust me, it´s not as frightening as it seems to be... You can get help, you won´t get any crazier - and you are definitely not crazy, please, believe me... I will write something more to you when I return from school in the evening... Kind of have to go in a few minutes, Iam sorry...

I will send you one of my most favourite songs - although you probably do not speak my language, but it is really beautiful ;-)

Take care! And - don´t worry too much :)

 

[digger]

I'm glad you got your appointment through, although I absolutely know how scary that is too. Try to look on as just going to meet with this therapist to see how you get on and take it from there.:hug:

 

[Lucycat]

:hug::hug::hug:
@Muruluisku please don't fear the therapy. It can be so helpful and you have waited so long. Remember the whole therapy thing is to help you, so you are in control and take it at your own pace.

I came out of my session last night with a 'wow' on my brain. It felt so good to just talk.( without shame or fear.)

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Lucy, Splinter and Bluebird for the comfort hugs (((hug back))))

I guess I know I need this therapy, so I just go even though I'm scared. Do you think it would be okay for me to tell the therapist that I'm really scared of the situation where I'm shut in a room with a stranger focusing their attention to me and expected to say something? Would she be offended? I don't want to make people angry with me :(

And I worry that I'll loose my voice again and become mute... Or is it just kids that do that? I don't want to loose my ability to speak again for a whole year, like I did when I was six :( That wouldn't happen, would it?

Bluebird, I know some Czech (but can't really speak it) and that song is beautiful! Something about being grateful for all the bad feelings as well as good ones, like fear for example, because fragility makes us appreciate life and it's beauty, and because something good can come out of something bad in the end? I love the guitar, it's very soothing.

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Absolutely tell the therapist how scared you are, and your fear of losing your voice again. Your therapist will not take you to scary places until you have a toolbox of safety resources to help you.

Your therapist will not be offended in the slightest. She will be used to people being very anxious and will know that a trusting relationship has to be built between you over time. I think this is a very exiting time in your life.

 

[Muruluisku]

Safety tools, to make me feel safer? That sounds good :)
<3: Muru

 

[digger]

Do you think it would be okay for me to tell the therapist that I'm really scared of the situation where I'm shut in a room with a stranger focusing their attention to me and expected to say something? Would she be offended?

No she won't be offended. It is not unusual for people t feel that way about therapy, especially at the beginning, and you won't be the first person she has come across who has these fears.

And I worry that I'll loose my voice again and become mute... Or is it just kids that do that? I don't want to loose my ability to speak again for a whole year, like I did when I was six :( That wouldn't happen, would it?

Selective mutism, to that degree, is pretty rare in adults. I would like you to know though, that if you become mute within sessions that you are not alone in that. I think it would be good to tell her about your fears about this as early as possible and about what happened when you were six with the mutism. Write it down if you need to.

I struggle with mutism A LOT within sessions - and I don't just mean by that that I find it difficult to talk. I CAN'T talk. And it can be bloody frustrating to say the least. It doesn't mean therapy won't work for you though. You and your therapist can work together to find ways round it.

I don't want to take over your thread with my own experiences, but if you want to talk more about it, I'm happy to.

 

[digger]

Not saying that to put you off by the way. Just to say that if it happens, it's okay - you can work with it xx

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I also do not think your T would be offended, they are pretty used to people being very nervous and anxious... :affection:

Also, maybe it would be a good idea to write something about why are you afraid of being mute and in case you would find it hard to speak you can try to read it, or if it also wouldn´t be possible, you can give it to your T so she understands and helps you to calm down. You do not have to talk about anything you do not want t talk yet. Therapy is here for you, to help you feel safer... At first, you can talk about how are you feeling at this very moment and it´s completely ok to do so :)

About the song - yes, that is the meaning - I didn´t expect at all you would understand it and I am so very glad you do! Thank you for that! or - děkuji :applause: I am wondering - where did you learn Czech? It´s not that kind of language people would learn at school... ;)

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Splinter for sharing and letting me now that loosing my words isn't just me being silly and that you get it too... And maybe I'll write my fears down as you suggested Bluebird .

I love languages and I speak a few different ones, but I only understand some Czech because of an older kind lady who lived near my parent's house. She spoke Czech and she lived right opposite a playground. She often came out when she saw me swinging in the swings... I used to sneak out a lot late at night when I was worried about the baddie coming to hurt me at night... Maybe she was worried about me, I don't know, but she used to speak Czech to me and teach me. I loved it, soaking it all in. She used to stay out with me untill I felt calm enough to go back home and she often pushed me in the swing and sang this song to me, I can't remember all the words but there was a part that went something like this:
"Hajej, nynjej, dadjej, malej. Maticka koliba detatko svy"
She was a nice lady and her songs and the language filled my head so I could build myself a little world of my own to help me get through the nights whe the baddie came :)

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

How are you doing now, dear Muru? :hug: