Emotional Jet Lag

[Muruluisku]

I've been hiding...in every sense, since going to see the therapist. How long time of hiding is needed to be certain that no baddies will come and find me now that I've sought help?! I'm supposed to go there every week :(


She seemed okay though. She's the same lady that assessed me and she said that I'm special, in that the little she knows about my history, I have coped really well, and she wanted to make sure she gets it right with me, and that's why she didn't refer me on but is going to work with me herself.

She's a consultant clinical psychologist and said that she mostly educates other psychologists and only has a few patients allocated to her. She said she has a special interest in, and is very experienced in working with issues around anxiety, physical health and childhood trauma by using CBT. So I guess she will think Im a great project for her with my eating and blood sugar problems, constant fear of all sorts of things and all the flashbacks about when I was little/ younger...

Maybe she tried to make me feel confident in her, to make me believe that she knows what she's doing. Maybe I do, but I totally lost my words, and was mute for the whole session :( She gave me a little wipeable memo board to scribble my answers to her questions, so that was okay I guess... And I had to fill in a questionnaire which made me think I'm much worse than I thought... She said the aim is for us to work together to make those answers on the questionnaire more positive after a few months of therapy. I'd like that :)

My friend walked there with me, and he waited in the waiting area to walk me back. It took me at least an hour to find my voice again to say anything to him afterwards. But he stayed with me until the evening and made me feel a bit less scared of baddies... It's just that anyone can turn into a baddie, and if the dead people are spirits around us, then the dead baddie boyfriend and maybe the baddie uncle were in the room watching me getting help, and then they can turn other people into baddies to come and hurt me because I broke my promise and asked for help :(

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I am glad you managed to go to see the psychologist, you are doing really great...

You are brave. I understand you lost your words and it is nothing to be ashamed of. There are another ways of communications and I honestly believe it will get better when you will get to know your T better :)

And I had to fill in a questionnaire which made me think I'm much worse than I thought... She said the aim is for us to work together to make those answers on the questionnaire more positive after a few months of therapy. I'd like that :)

I also think that´s really positive. I am proud of you, I really am. You are making important steps in your life. You can do it and now you have support, you have a psychologist and a good friend who will be with you when you need him.

Please, do not be afraid, darling... No one is going to hurt you now; these bad people have no power over you anymore. You reached for help. They can´t hurt you anymore, you are safe. You are much stronger than they are; they were weak, because they chose to hurt an innocent child, girl, woman... They were truly weak, twisted and evil.

You, Muru, you are good, you are pure, you are loving and caring woman. You are so much stronger! Love conquers death and fear... :affection:

Take care!

 

[digger]

Hey well done you. That was such a huge step you took. Proud of you :)

A small tip that might help with the 'baddie' stuff. These thoughts and feelings and fears come very much from the child part of you. When you find yourself cycling into these thoughts, try and make a step back into your adult self and think about what you would say to a child with these fears. Would you encourage these fears, or would you try to find ways to negate them for the child? Can you think of ways you could negate them?

 

[Muruluisku]

You guys are proud of me? Thank you *blush*
And thank you for helping me feel less scared :)

I spent most of yesterday with my friend, he showed me how to do gardening in my little back garden. We've got a maintenance man that comes to cut the grass every so often, but he has said to me before that if I want to plant anything in the flower bed I'm more than welcome. It's mainly just me using the garden as I'm living on the ground floor and have french doors opening into the garden.

So, there was a plant sale in our local church and my friend and I went along and loaded his boot with all sorts of plants :) He said his dad is a keen gardener and he used to help him when he lived at home. I only know wild flowers by name but he told me about the garden plants and showed me which flowers are likely to spread once planted, and which will grow in height etc, and how to arrange the flower bed to make most of the different flowers and their qualities and flowering season. I think we did a good job in the end :) Now I just got to make sure I water it regularly and pull the weeds out!

I told him I'm still really scared of the baddies who are dead and that I worry they come and turn other people bad or make something else bad happen now that I'm going to see my therapist every week. I said to him it feels like constantly defying them and braking promises. He didn't laugh at me at all even though I know rationally thinking it all sounds a bit stupid. He actually said pretty much what Splinter said: that it sounds like it's the little Muru, who believes that's a possibility. He said that he would like to scoop her up to a safe cuddle and find a way to explain to her that she doesn't need to be scared of the dead spirits. He said that he would probably tell her that God is more powerful and that there are more of his angels / good spirits than there are bad, and they will shield me from any dead baddies so that they stand no chance getting anywhere near me or affecting my live in the living world anymore.

That got me thinking about all my loved ones that have died... And if the baddies are around in spirit, then surely they are as well, and I have more of those good people that I loved "on the other side" than I have bad ones.

Maybe next time I feel little Muru crying out in panic about the dead baddies watching me break my promises and getting help, I could try and talk to her to calm her down and say to her something like this:

"Little Muru, we're not sure where people go when they die, but if they are around us like our grandma told us, then remember that she is here too. She didn't mean to scare us when she told us this, but just wanted to prepare us for her leaving the living world. She wanted to make us believe that she will never abandon us, that she will always stay with us in our heart, around us in her sprit, and in our memories of her. So, if what she made us believe makes you now scared of the baddies, then just remember that you have her and many other good spirits watching over you and keeping the baddies far from getting anywhere near you or affecting the living world turning others into baddies.

You have your grandpa also in the spirit world. Remember how he used to rock the rocking chair sending you off to sleep for your nap every Saturday when he and grandma looked after you. And remember how you used to run towards him and leap into his strong arms. You can imagine those strong arms reaching out to you and pushing any bad spirits far away from you.

And remember your godfather who you so loved to talk to, who always had time to come and pick you up from the music college if dad was busy. Remember how you used that time in telling him everything about your week and how he was always interested in talking to you. And how ever since you were little, he took you for Sunday walks after church and taught you about the wild flowers and birds, and knew the names for all the different butterflies. You know how everytime you see a butterfly it reminds you of him? Well, he is also there watching over you and with his wisdom, sharp tongue and wittiness he will intimidate any baddie spirits casting any spells and stop them from turning anyone else into baddies to hurt us.

And then there's your sister-in-law, who was more like your second mum raising you and your niece up. Our niece is only 8 months younger than us, and remember how you longed for the summer holidays to come, when you could travel to the big city to stay with your brother and sister-in-law, and play with your niece and nephew and stay safe from the baddie. Although she couldn't save you then because she didn't know, your sister-in-law knows now as a spirit that you need her. Just remember how safe you felt when you were with her (how you even wished she was your mum) and trust that she will keep you safe from the baddies also.

And don't forget your childhood friend's father, who you sat with many nights with your friend, listening him play his guitar and sing us songs. He was so ill and weak to do much else, but loved the company and being able to look after us by keeping us entertained with all his silly rhymes and funny children's songs. And remember her little sister, who loved to play with you and your friend, who was so eager to please, and be included in your games, and how often you talked your friend around into letting her join in. She used to adore you and you loved he little eager eyes and fast little legs (that sent her running under the train that one faithful afternoon). She would be the first one to notice any baddie spirits lurking about and chase them away with her fast little legs, or get get dad to help because as a spirit he is not ill anymore, God has made him healthy again.

So if you ever worry that God is too busy to keep the baddie spirits away from hurting you, you have at least six goodie spirits as your special guardian angels to keep watch, and fight any baddies from getting anywhere near you. So there, little Muru, just talk to the nice lady and she can help both of us feel better, and let God and your guardian angels take care of the baddie spirits, okay?!"

Maybe this was a bit silly exercise, but I feel a bit lighter in my heart for doing it... A little safer, and grateful for all the good people I grew up with, who taught me about uncomplicated love and kindness. I guess you're right Bluebird, love conquers fear :)

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

I love my garden. It helps me a lot. I find it therapeutic. I hope you will too x