Emotional Regulation Techniques for Dealing with Narcissistic Family Members

[Adobe]

Things will generally go along fine but this week her and her husband attacked me for holding an opinion about the change in credit scores and mortgages which takes place May 1st. My son in law accused me of not caring about the marginalized. That is so not the case. I just drove a 90 year old lady about 100 miles looking for an apartment she could afford. 750.00 a month rent gets you a cracker box. I texted my daughter and wrote out my feelings. I read it after I sent it. It was not good communication and it sounded like I was dysregulated which in hind site I was. Later on I apologized and all is fine if we don’t discuss politics. How can I switch from my emotional right brain to my reasoning left brain so this does not happen. What can stop me and make me think?Dysregulation came on so fast there was no time to back off.

 

[EveHarrington]

Many people are not well off financially but still have excellent credit scores. Is it fair to punish these people, too? Why does one group have to be punished in order to elevate SOME marginalized people? And why do some marginalized people have to be further marginalized in order to help those who are marginalized and cannot handle money as well? Plus, giving mortgages to people who have a proven track record of not being able to handle money is a recipe for disaster. I could go on…

Maybe you should put some distance between you and your daughter/SIL?

Just because something “helps” marginalized people doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a good thing. Seeing beyond the surface requires a level of critical thinking. Sometimes we have to figure out who cannot really analyze an issue, and then just not engage with said people on anything but a superficial level.

 

[Sideways]

What can stop me and make me think?

There’s a lot of DBT that I think would resonate with you, including learning STOP and WISE MIND (DBT - acronym city!). Hope I’ve picked the eight ones, because DBT is full of them!

Stop is a way to learn how to notice yourself getting overwhelming emotions, and then pausing, so that you can choose something else than the usual dysregulated fallout.

Wise Mind builds on the concept that we think really rationally and logically with one part of our mind, and we have our emotions and our heart driving motivations and values. These 2 different parts of our minds can be thought of as sitting at the 2 ends of a spectrum, and it’s a case of trying to find that middle ground, our Wise Mind.

The idea is that our emotions do tend to drive us to do some pretty dysregulated stuff. But they’re still an important source of information.

For example: Why did I get angry? Because there’s something there that felt unjust to me, that I value. That’s an important part of who you are, and it can be incredibly fulfilling to use that information to direct the decisions you make about how to react to things. Without that anger, we wouldn’t ever bother intervening when witnessing injustice. So, it’s not case of removing emotion, but finding the balance between emotions and rational thought.

Lots and lots about DBT to love. The way that it’s taught isn’t for everyone, but there’s more flexible ways to learn the principles these days than was originally offered when DBT was a brand new thing.

 

[Friday]

Putting on my filters around the people I love… particularly my adult son… is one of the most difficult things for me.

When he was a kid? Pfft. No problem!

But now that he’s an adult, I don’t have those parenting “choose your battles” & “teaching” & “responsible for” filters in place. He brings up something I’m interested in? Or passionate about? Or in any other way emotionally invested in? He gets “me”. Instead of me filtered through the adult/child thing. Most of the time.

Maybe this will shake out okay, maybe it won’t.

I am currently trying to backpeddle, at least a smidge, and treat him like a child instead of a peer (the same way I don’t give my unvarnished opinions at work, and in other situations, but use various filters & self-restraint / self-control). My HOPE, is that we’ll get to the point where I can just be “me” with him, without the drama. But it’s dicey going. I don’t know where we’ll end up. The only thing I really know? Is we aren’t there, yet. Me, just being me, is painful for him. And our relationship suffers in response. I care waaaaaay more about our relationship than I do about any other bullshit anything. No matter how passionate/invested/expert I am in anything? What I care about most is him.

It’s a weird sort of shifting out of 5th gear into Neutral.

I’m getting better at it. But it takes practice.

Taking a “timeout” when I find myself interested/passionate/invested in any conversation we’re having? Is THE most useful thing. Time to let hot emotions fade, and cool reason return. It doesn’t work anywhere near 100%, like it did when he was a child (my personal view is that arguing with children? Is like arguing with a piece of furniture. We ALL do it. And it’s nearly always regrettable. >.< ). But it buys me time to sort what my priorities actually are. And he’s first. Our disagreeing about something? Pfft. We’ll do that. We’re each our own people. With our own thoughts/opinions/feelings. What’s important? Is US.

PTSD & Dysreg complicates matters, fo’sho.

But I view that as a “me thing”. It’s my responsibility to manage me.

One of the tells I use? IS being emotionally invested. That tells me I need to take a step back. Even/especially as I can have a passionate/spirited debate/conversation with people who are NOT my kid. Just as he can have empassioned/spirited debates with people who are NOT his mum.

It’s rare that the relationship is worth more than the issue at hand.

It’s something to treasure, and treat gently, when it is. IMO.

But that also means f*cking up, left right center, to find the boundaries. Unless one just gets lucky. For the rest of us? Praaaaactice. And a whole helluva lotta forgiveness. On both sides.

 

[Aprilshowers]

arguing with children? Is like arguing with a piece of furniture.

I freakin' LOVE this! Definitely sharing it with my daughter-in-law who has 4 kids under the age 7.

 

[Adobe]

There’s a lot of DBT that I think would resonate with you, including learning STOP and WISE MIND (DBT - acronym city!). Hope I’ve picked the eight ones, because DBT is full of them!

Stop is a way to learn how to notice yourself getting overwhelming emotions, and then pausing, so that you can choose something else than the usual dysregulated fallout.

Wise Mind builds on the concept that we think really rationally and logically with one part of our mind, and we have our emotions and our heart driving motivations and values. These 2 different parts of our minds can be thought of as sitting at the 2 ends of a spectrum, and it’s a case of trying to find that middle ground, our Wise Mind.

The idea is that our emotions do tend to drive us to do some pretty dysregulated stuff. But they’re still an important source of information.

For example: Why did I get angry? Because there’s something there that felt unjust to me, that I value. That’s an important part of who you are, and it can be incredibly fulfilling to use that information to direct the decisions you make about how to react to things. Without that anger, we wouldn’t ever bother intervening when witnessing injustice. So, it’s not case of removing emotion, but finding the balance between emotions and rational thought.

Lots and lots about DBT to love. The way that it’s taught isn’t for everyone, but there’s more flexible ways to learn the principles these days than was originally offered when DBT was a brand new thing.

I just downloaded the book. Thank you.

 

[Weemie]

Things will generally go along fine but this week her and her husband attacked me for holding an opinion about the change in credit scores and mortgages which takes place May 1st.

How did they attack you? What did they actually say, and what did you actually say? Unless we actually get some data on the incident in question, it is unlikely we will be able to help you analyze it in a meaningful way.

I think starting from there would give you some insight into where the conversation broke down. Often times when people criticize us, especially in folks who struggle with emotional regulation and stress management, that can be perceived as an "attack" even though it wasn't. It sounds like your SIL believes that certain implementations of credit scores contribute to the marginalization of poor people. So what about that perspective is triggering to you?

(You don't have to answer any of these questions to me, simply food for thought.)

In reading your original post, I also noticed that you mentioned a random good deed you've done in the past for someone else - as though that confirms your political opinions must not reflect any problematic elements when discussing marginalized individuals - but it is important to note that this is not actually a valid rebuttal, as it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It proves you were willing to assist that specific person, and that is it.

To me (based on said rebuttal) it sounds like you heard, "you, Hulda, don't give a shit about anyone and you're an asshole and a terrible person." But was the situation actually like this in reality, or were you feeling attacked because someone challenged your beliefs?

 

[Movingforward10]

attacked me for holding an opinion

With narcissists, I’ve learnt it’s best not to express an opinion if it differs to the narcissist. They can’t handle it and will attack as they take it as a criticism and will beat you down until you admit you’re wrong. They simply can’t hold the fact that there can be different opinions on a situation or that, heaven forbid, they might actually be wrong. So, I learn to keep my views to myself, or share a view with the knowledge of the predictable outcome and just disengage emotionally.

How can I switch from my emotional right brain to my reasoning left brain so this does not happen. What can stop me and make me think?Dysregulation came on so fast there was no time to back off.

it’s Hard to remain emotionally contained around a narcissist. I am practising it and it’s hard. But things that help me:
reading about narcissists and how they operate
knowing myself and how I want to behave
taking a minute to reset
when I see my mum in May I am taking things I have written down as reminders for me. Things I want to say about my boundaries if she crosses them. And a reminder to myself I can leave at any point.
simply accepting you can’t have meaningful or healthy relationships with a narcissist
and letting myself be emotionally removed from them.

 

[KathK]

Things will generally go along fine but this week her and her husband attacked me for holding an opinion about the change in credit scores and mortgages which takes place May 1st. My son in law accused me of not caring about the marginalized. That is so not the case. I just drove a 90 year old lady about 100 miles looking for an apartment she could afford. 750.00 a month rent gets you a cracker box. I texted my daughter and wrote out my feelings. I read it after I sent it. It was not good communication and it sounded like I was dysregulated which in hind site I was. Later on I apologized and all is fine if we don’t discuss politics. How can I switch from my emotional right brain to my reasoning left brain so this does not happen. What can stop me and make me think?Dysregulation came on so fast there was no time to back off.

I can’t always step back especially with my mother, however sometimes when I know I’m going to see her and it’s possible (ok with her it’s probable) that I’ll get wound up or triggered I bring a couple of sensory things with me, including an essential oil I find calming which I put a blob of somewhere I can easily access to smell and in combination with taking a breath before any response I smell the oil which helps me soothe/ground so I’m less reactive and more logical. I also set up things so I limit time with her, have an easy out, and have time after to rest/distract/unwind so I’m less likely to do/say anything in an emotional state. I still have reactive times, just less common now with my mother, especially if I’ve rested before seeing her (if I’m sick or sleep deprived it doesn’t take much to react to her, and in this case it’s her narc tendencies as her friends struggle too, she’s more intense with me). Sensory tools have helped me, have you tried this area to see what helps you? It can be very beneficial, at least taking the edge off if not fully calming/soothing

 

[Adobe]

How did they attack you? What did they actually say, and what did you actually say? Unless we actually get some data on the incident in question, it is unlikely we will be able to help you analyze it in a meaningful way.

I think starting from there would give you some insight into where the conversation broke down. Often times when people criticize us, especially in folks who struggle with emotional regulation and stress management, that can be perceived as an "attack" even though it wasn't. It sounds like your SIL believes that certain implementations of credit scores contribute to the marginalization of poor people. So what about that perspective is triggering to you?

(You don't have to answer any of these questions to me, simply food for thought.)

In reading your original post, I also noticed that you mentioned a random good deed you've done in the past for someone else - as though that confirms your political opinions must not reflect any problematic elements when discussing marginalized individuals - but it is important to note that this is not actually a valid rebuttal, as it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. It proves you were willing to assist that specific person, and that is it.

To me (based on said rebuttal) it sounds like you heard, "you, Hulda, don't give a shit about anyone and you're an asshole and a terrible person." But was the situation actually like this in reality, or were you feeling attacked because someone challenged your beliefs?

That is what I heard! Good observation. I don’t have the energy to rehash it. It is resolved. They may still have that perception but we are in communication that is positive. We are at polar ends politically and I just asked if we could avoid any discussion in that arena and it is more positive. Thank you for your input.

 

[enough]

narcissistic and “informed” on a religious or political subject is a bad combination, if forced to engage I find it best to become a student and study the depths of their beliefs. It is, after all, performing at least one of the roles of a good debater. Total disregard for the narcissists opinions does no good for anyone, leaves us both alone and resentful. After I realised that being open to the opinions of the narcissists i have to be around made me valued as a listener and student it became easier to get along with them. I want to take a shower afterwards but it helps in the necessary places. Aside from needing to keep the workplace at a respectful and professional level, my general approach in other situations is tolerance to a point, then lay out the line of trespass and wait until it is crossed.
Sadly, religious narcissist family members have crossed the line and died without hearing my voice again, some are still alive but wont consider another persons feelings ling enough to apologize so probably will too. It sucks, but the only sure way to win at tug of war is to bow out and watch from the shady area with a cool drink.

 

[Adobe]

narcissistic and “informed” on a religious or political subject is a bad combination, if forced to engage I find it best to become a student and study the depths of their beliefs. It is, after all, performing at least one of the roles of a good debater. Total disregard for the narcissists opinions does no good for anyone, leaves us both alone and resentful. After I realised that being open to the opinions of the narcissists i have to be around made me valued as a listener and student it became easier to get along with them. I want to take a shower afterwards but it helps in the necessary places. Aside from needing to keep the workplace at a respectful and professional level, my general approach in other situations is tolerance to a point, then lay out the line of trespass and wait until it is crossed.
Sadly, religious narcissist family members have crossed the line and died without hearing my voice again, some are still alive but wont consider another persons feelings ling enough to apologize so probably will too. It sucks, but the only sure way to win at tug of war is to bow out and watch from the shady area with a cool drink.

Very good point….bow out. I did not do that I became enmeshed in letting the conversation go to far until I felt Like a stupid, unknowledgeable person. That is on me. Did not draw that line…regretting that.