Emotional Relationships With Others

[daniel b]

This is my first post so please excuse my bad spelling and grammar

I suffer from PTSD and agoraphobia 6 months ago we had our first child she is a gorgeous baby girl :)

Lately I had been having dreams about my partners girlfriend......

Tonight we spoke about it because it had been eating away at me and I felt like my partner needed too know that I had developed a emotional relationship with her best friend and that due to me and the baby taking up alot of her time that she couldn't provide me with the support I need some time.

Do many of you do and have you started to want other things your partner wasn't providing you from people you treat as a second partner.

 

[blackcoffee87]

No, I just wanted it from her, and she didn't give, so I left, and am much happier now. I still get to see my son, and actually have him the majority of the time. He's almost two and a half now.

I spent a year and a half being unappreciated,and working two jobs to make ends meet.

Being miserable. If I wanted to talk to her when I came home it was "why the f are you coming home so late? If you're not gonna man up and take care of this kid, then don't come home!".

I guess my point is, you can't fake it till it's better.If you want things from her, and have told her but she won't try don't waste your time. If you spend a bunch of time with her friend, you will most likely start to want to be more than just a friend.

Tell your partner what you want, and give them a chance.

 

[J_trustno1]

@daniel b : I have to agree with what @blackcoffee87 said. You can't depend on her friend because soon you will be wanting more than a friendship. You have to discuss this with your partner because things don't look good in the long run. There is nothing wrong with sharing emotions with others but you are risking a marriage. It would've been different if she was your friend but this is different. In both cases it is not fair on the wife. So take a time and discuss what is eating you inside. Hope this helped. I'm sorry I'm a bit clumsy emotionally today.

 

[nursenurse]

That is a recipe for disaster and is a type of infidelity in the marriage. Stop it now. Your partner is likely feeling overwhelmed as well. Put what you are giving this other person, her best friend (!) back into the relationship. Nothing is "due" you. You get out what you put into it, and if you can't put it towards the person who has given birth to your child, then you do not have a relationship to begin with. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions, for your partner, and for your daughter, who did not sign up for any of this. Counselling might help. Get a backbone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No one person can be your "everything". But, I don't think that means you should be starting an emotional affair with someone else.

Are you in treatment right now? If not, I think that is a good place to start. If you're agoraphobic, that puts a lot of pressure on your partner beyond PTSD, and its not fair to your partner to expect them to give you all the support you need. (That is, it isn't going to happen.)

Please stop talking to the friend right now. If you want to put your relationship first, you need to end things with the friend. I don't think you can go back to being completely platonic friends as the emotional side has already kicked in. It would be like playing with fire.

 

[The Albatross]

I think you would do well to realize/remember that the purpose of dreaming is to call attention to things that are deficient in your present. Not necessarily to act on subconscious impulses.

I would examine why I conscripted my spouses best friend instead of why I perhaps need to find some autonomy and perhaps some hobbies or pursuits that are more appropriate and in line with my chosen role as a partner and apparent.

You unnecessarily are complicating your relationship due to giving unnecessary credence to your dreams.

You should re-evaluate who you think you are. Are you a partner to your girlfriend and father to your child? Or are you interested primarily and motivated to hedonism?

 

[Meadowsweet]

It sounds like you have put your needs first simply because they are there, without questioning whether it is acceptable to expect your partner to fulfill your needs.

You are a grown man, in my opinion, it is up to you to fulfill your emotional, mental and physical needs. When somebody else offers help, it is a bonus, but certainly shouldn't be an expectation.

Somebody else said recently that a man could be emotionally neglected by his wife. But wives are mothers to their children, not to their husband. So this is the area that i would suggest you look at, perhaps why you feel this way, perhaps where it comes from.

I agree with Albatross also, that a dream is a signal of something that is becoming an issue to you. So it is something that you might look at to try to heal, but it isn't a signal that it's ok to do what you did in the dream.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe finding and developing some good guy friendships might help? No risk of things being an emotional or any other kind of affair, and you would get some outside support and friendship. Maybe even another couple for play dates you all could have together.

If you are in the US, joining an NAMI (national association for mental illness) support group for friends and family might also help meet the needs you are feeling that your spouse isn't meeting.

I agree with others, chill on talking and becoming emotionally intimate with this other woman. Even if it doesn't develop into a physical affair, it's still going to impact your marriage and family.

But, there are much "safer" alternatives to getting needs met for emotional support - including helping your partner out more. If the baby is taking up all her time, then spend time with the baby, just you and the baby, and give her some time to recharged her batteries. She may fight this at first, but that little one, like all kids, needs as much love and attention as they can get, and just about every mom of a baby needs time to rest.

Also getting treatment for the PTSD and agoraphobia and talking about these things with the therapist might help too.