Relationship Emotional Support?

[boodle]

My ex and I finished our relationship a week ago. I'm in the process of trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could have been better. I was generally very strong for her but one thing has been really puzzling.

Can anyone shed anyone light on why my ex would be angry at me for asking for her emotional support when if her friends needed emotional support she is there for them instantly. In our 7 month relationship I only asked for her support on emotional issues twice. Each time she became very angry with me. It was devastating, as not only was I needing support, I was being slated for needing it. However, on several occasions her friend/s needed support and she was there for them immediately.

Just a little background. My ex was diagnosed with CPTSD due to physical and emotional abuse by her Mother and a previous partner. I am not abusive, however I felt that when I was derided for needing emotional support she was verbally abusive towards me.

If anyone has any insight to help unravel this, I would be so grateful.

 

[Friday]

There are so many possible reasons, some even PTSD related, that I couldn't even begin to speculate.

 

[Sunshine71]

Sorry to read that Boodle - you may never know the answers. What did she say? Maybe write to her perhaps?? Being the partner with someone with PTSD is so tough. Its been 10 years for me know and I dont know how I have done it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'm going to assume asking her for emotional support during the relationship.

It would, as Friday says, purely be speculation but maybe she felt supporting your emotional issues was too heavy for her due to the relationship she had with you being a romantic one rather than a platonic one? I care about my friends for example, but I find it easier to remove myself emotionally and give rational supportive advice compared to a partner, I feel so much more "invested" in them in a different way and what's happening, it's much more to process, perhaps she is the same. You'll have seen it in the threads I've posted, I got very invested in my "sufferers" problems and solving them (non PTSD problems for clarification), now we've established we're "just friends" I weirdly feel less... "intensely involved".

That is, however, pure speculation.

 

[Seeking]

I can relate. As soon as I brought to my vets attention that I needed his support, he bailed, isolated. He said that he can't deal with my being so emotional right now. That's the thing, PTSD can make an otherwise "normal "conversation not so normal. They are already dealing with so much that our stuff is too much. When we know better, we do better. I am just learning about PTSD. Not saying we don't have a right to express ourselves, because we do but we have to be careful in our approach. Being in a relationship with a sufferer is a patient and giving one. We just have to determine if we can do it.

 

[Hojay]

I feel you - I was in a non PTSD relationship a while back where any need for support on my end was ignored and almost ridiculed. It's a confusing hurtful place.

When triggered my sufferer is very clear (and sorry) that he just can't handle having to take care of me when I need him too. I oddly understand it. He's just overwhelmed. But he always makes a point of saying that he'll get a handle on it and then he'll be there for me, so it's less of a blow that way.

Knowing nothing about your SO's history, could be that the abuse she suffered from her mother went hand in hand with her being asked to lend emotional support to her mother in an unhealthy way. That's hard on children - being responsible like that. Or could be she gets angry with you because she doesn't want to see you're human too and not the faultless, teflon knight in shining armor she thought you were. Which would be too bad, because you deserve to be able to be human.

Just speculations.

 

[boodle]

I'm going to assume asking her for emotional support during the relationship.

It would, as Frida...

maybe she felt supporting your emotional issues was too heavy for her due to the relationship she had with you being a romantic one rather than a platonic one?

This is what I was thinking. However, I still find it heartbreaking when someone says they love you cannot put their arms round you and say "Don't worry darling I'm here."

 

[boodle]

I can relate. As soon as I brought to my vets attention that I needed his support, he bailed, isolate...

Agreed @Seeking I can't add to that.

 

[TheMinsterman]

This is what I was thinking. However, I still find it heartbreaking when someone says they love you cann...

Spot on, worse case for me was she always was there than suddenly wasn't, and now, even though she's re-engaging, our contact is dictated by somebody else (as you know from my other thread).

This forum is great, but we all know it's our SOs at the time supporting us and telling us our pain is valid that really helps.

 

[boodle]

I feel you - I was in a non PTSD relationship a while back where any need for support on my end was ignor...

Thank you for your post @Hojay

But he always makes a point of saying that he'll get a handle on it and then he'll be there for me, so it's less of a blow that way.

That is so reassuring and great communication. My ex triggered when I asked but became very angry then isolated. She wouldn't communicate other than in anger.

could be that the abuse she suffered from her mother went hand in hand with her being asked to lend emotional support to her mother in an unhealthy way

That makes sense.

Or could be she gets angry with you because she doesn't want to see you're human too and not the faultless, teflon knight in shining armor she thought you were.

I think you hit the nail on the head here and that may well be the answer I was looking for. I think she saw me as the perfect person to make her feel whole, and she treated me as such at first. When we started to open up I let her in on my deepest inner feelings and weaknesses. In times of anger before a shutdown, she would verbally send those discussions about my inner vulnerabilities back at me, sharpened as a weapon. It seems she was disappointed I was not the perfect person she imagined. It was a heck of a pressure to put on someone to be perfect, and if she was doing this she was setting herself up for disappointment. Thank-you, that has helped clarify things so much.

 

[boodle]

This forum is great, but we all know it's our SOs at the time supporting us and telling us our pain is valid that really helps.

Can't agree more