Sufferer Emotionally Abused By Dad

[dissociator]

Hi All,
I was severely emotionally abused and bullied by my dad throughout my teens, from age 15 up to 22. I've found out that he has narcissistic personality traits. I've been insulted, humiliated in front of guests, called stupid, lazy, other 'fun' names, threatened with bad consequences etc, on a daily basis.

He would regularly walk around the house pointing out my mistakes and failures, comparing me to other kids, calling me shy as if it was a crime to be so and lots more but the details may not matter in an introduction post I guess.

He was always passive/aggressive with me, never interested in helping me but always eager to punish me for breaking his rules.

He's done the same abuse to my mom too, so watching my mom being humiliated by this guy and not being able to stop it or help her caused severe stress to me and I've been in depression from an early age because of this.

I've had avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, dissociation, fear of abandonment, low self esteem and more for many years. I have always been made to feel like a burden on my parents, a failure, an unwanted child that nobody likes but they are putting up with me only because it is illegal to kill me.

So now, the most frustrating part of my life has been my inability to form close relationships, including within my own family, with friends, at work and with romantic interests. I am always thinking negative and looking for an escape route in case they start to avoid me. I am very sensitive to being judged, and always feel like I have to perform to be accepted by others.

I'm so confused I don't even know my true self any-more. Has this happened to anybody else here?

 

[ill]

Yes, oh my goodness, yes. This is something I relate to all too well, but my brain is just too full of incoherent thoughts for me to write more at the moment. I just really want you to know right now that you are not alone in this, your response is perfectly normal and sane given what you endured, and it's also possible to learn how to form close and healthy relationships.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello, dissociator, and welcome to the forum!

I can certainly relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes I wonder why people put up with me at all. However, things have gotten better since I started going to therapy twice a week. If you don't see a therapist, may I suggest one? Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma can be a great outlet for feelings and can be a great place for learning tools for dealing with the day-to-day issues as well as major ones.

You are not alone! There are some great people on this forum and I hope you find it helpful.

 

[RussH]

Dissociater, although our circumstances are somewhat different, I can completely understand your pain. I am sorry for how you have suffered. I truly hope you can find some positive relationships in your life.

 

[HelenB]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your experience of abuse and I hope you can find support and friendship here to help you on your journey.

God bless.
Helen

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Narcissists suck! I have a narc mother and grandfather. I don't have any contact with them anymore as it's like entering the twilight zone.

Welcome.

 

[Badger]

I really want to learn how to better identify narcissists so I can avoid them in my own life. I'm just learning I had a fairly nasty experience with one for 8 years. I don't want to end up accidently dating one or anything. Does anyone have any references to suggest?

 

[HëllaBubz]

9 weeks ago, I permanently cut off my narcissistic father and supportive mother, as well as any relatives that gave me shit or pushed the topic. You may find it helpful to check out http:// which is a sister site to this one.

This kind of treatment really is domestic violence, just because there's no physical bruises doesn't mean that the damage isn't being done other ways.

Hugs hun, I know how damaging and life sucking these parasites are.

 

[dissociator]

Thank you all very much for the support. It feels good to be in touch with people who can understand this.

@Unraveling1: Therapy is not an affordable option for me at the moment where I live, however I love the idea of having someone to share these feelings with. My best bet is meeting someone who has gone through a similar experience or seen someone suffer, such people I think are in a better position emotionally to understand the pain. I am trying behaviour therapy on my own using resources from the internet.

@Solara, Bubzilla: Yes narcs suck, especially in the parent-child relationship where you have no option but to continue living with them. They damage you without leaving any physical signs, so you can't even find immediate help outside. People will say - "Oh your father shouts at you, ignores and humiliates you, you must have done something wrong to upset him, try to be a good boy, it's not too bad at least he is not hitting you!" - what a way to further damage a growing adolescent's self-esteem really. They don't realize that we are never good enough for the abusers.

Cutting off all contact is an option I have seriously considered, but I can't avoid him completely due to social pressures, I just want to learn to deal with him without taking anything he says personally. Thankfully due to internet and forums like these I have realized that my weirdness is not completely my fault, otherwise the guilt would have eaten me from inside for a much longer time.

I want to change my needy/codependent behaviour, reduce the dissociation and flashbacks, and learn communication techniques to form healthy relationships, and lots of other stuff. If it has already been discussed here can someone please direct me to the relevant threads or resources online, or should I just search and dive into the threads that seem relevant.

 

[dissociator]

@Badger, I don't have references but can share a few tips from my own experience, will be interesting if it matches your own past experience.

- He thinks he is perfect, superior, can never make a mistake and others are supposed to follow his rules, live by his standards.
- You are not allowed to ask questions. If you do then you are treated like you are stupid or you don't deserve an answer, like he is doing a huge favour by answering. He can question any action or decision of yours and you are supposed to answer it.
- He always makes fun of others, criticizes them, sometimes behind their back or in their face. It makes him feel superior to others, and he won't stop until you acknowledge him, join him, or laugh to his disgusting jokes.
- He is always looking for other people to make 'mistakes' which he points out loud and laughs at them, complains or bitches about them, but if you point out his mistake, he feels threatened, loses temper, gets aggressive, forces you to believe that it's ok if HE does it, might completely stop talking to you for some time if you disagree/disapprove.
- He is very impatient, always wants to talk and others to listen. An example of always wanting to be the centre of attention.
- He won't care about your problems or feelings much, will try to brush it aside, change the topic, make it look insignificant, will find excuses for not helping you. His problems and ideas are always more important, you and the rest of the world has to stop and pay attention.
- Always seeks attention, it feeds his inflated ego. If you are busy and can't give attention, he will try to make you feel guilty about being busy or ill or something like that.
- He is arrogant, especially with people who are weaker/less powerful or popular than him.
- Always wants to control people or pets. If you don't obey the orders you are labelled as bad.

These are just some traits from my own experience that come to my mind right now, need not be exactly this way with all narcissists.

 

[Everhopeful]

Hello Dissociator

This Forum is a place of healing I have found, and a lot of wisdom and insight can be gained here. You are absolutely in the right place.

Warm wishes to you as you steer your course through your own healing process and find your own true Self - you have a great tool already, self-awareness and insight into how your narcissistic parent has inflicted damage on you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi dissociator,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

A few topics that you may want to research are the setting of boundaries and assertiveness. Having both of these skills can help you navigate troublesome relationships and also to form healthy relationships.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

Take care.

Debbie