Supporter Emotionally Confused By Newly Diagnosed Husband

[HEART BROKEN]

Hey Lauren thank you for the meditation info - I will definitely look into it. Since September I've been surfing the web for answers, support, and ways to move forward. This site is spectacular for education and support...KUDOS! I too have been looking for relationship tips and am finding ways to improve my support.

We are also on a "good" streak and in fact today he apologized for putting me through so much in the last few months, then followed it up with an "I love you"...it is a good way to start the new year. I continue to be hopeful in love...I have felt all of what you described in your post as well - guessing that IS the common thread of PTSD talking. I pray daily for us to continue making progress and go backwards, but am on guard and better equipped to notice and handle the effects of triggers.

Mixed messages are the worst and make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I try and focus on the positive, because I can't or won't believe the negative...otherwise that is me giving up.

Stay strong! Hugs!!!

 

[LaurenSH]

Jeslyn, I would love to know, from your perspective, why people with PTSD struggle with not knowing if they want to be married or not? Are you able to articulate it? My husband is still in very early stages of therapy and unable to articulate it.

To someone "healthy", it doesn't make sense that one could provide unconditional love, an abundance of affection, loyalty, devotion, friendship, a meaningful sex life, etc--all the while, the PTSD sufferer is unsure if they want to continue the relationship. How can we as the supporters tell the difference between the PTSD and the person? I would love to hear your insight on this! :D

 

[LaurenSH]

Hopeful, I think we will definitely be learning from one another in the coming months!! I'm so glad to have a space where I can try to figure this stuff out with other devoted spouses :inlove:

I hope you get hold of those meditations, they're amazing. I don't know what you believe in spiritually, but I personally feel that those meditations are blessed. Of course there is the skeptic in me that wonders if they only further delude me lol however, they give me so much hope, and a vision for our future together ;)

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Wow Joslyn I can't say how much I appreciate what you shared from your point of view - a sufferer with a carer from a women's view - I would love any pointers or advice you have to offer although as you said everyone is different and each day brings new lessons.

 

[Joslyn]

Hello Lauren and hope you are enjoying a safe and happy 2012. Wow, I understand your question so clearly and I can also understand how confusing it is for my husband (supporter). We have been together over a decade and have always felt married, loyal, close,best friends. We had a ceremony a few years ago, too. I am not sure what "healthy" really is :) buuuut, my husband provides all the things you mentioned and I do my best today to be the same toward him. I have, however, come a long way.

For me, I don't think it is a matter of whether I want to be married or not. There is a tiny hidden doubt that I can actually do this, be involved, get well enough, become a whole person. Maybe a sense of self loathing was there for a long time, like how can I handle all this...therapy, relationship, work, family, social stuff. and, there is also the ongoing doubt that he can actually love me this much. It's scary for someone to have come from such a dark place and then once a diagnosis is given, the work begins and its like opening a huge pot of scolding milk while paying attention to what my husband needs. The balancing act can be tricky. Maybe it all seems overwhelming and throwing in the towel seems like an option? Yes, I feel that way sometimes even still. But, I have learned that those dark thoughts will pass.

Telling the difference between the PTSD and the person? I guess the question to me is what are the symptoms, the triggers, the stress level I am capable of handling....and all that can change day to day. All of it is different for each sufferer. And I think the word sufferer is appropriate. Regardless of all of my over achieving, ability to help others, balance a ton of organizational needs it is intimacy that is the hardest thing. And, let's face it...it's easier to be alone for anyone. There is a lot to be said for the courage and strength you have to be on the journey of discovery with yourself, your husband and other supporters.

When he and I met and fell in love I was newly diagnosed with PTSD and was just beginning my journey with my first therapist that focused on the disorder using EMDR. I suffered greatly at times and did not have an understanding of what triggers were or how to handle symptoms. I was overwhlemed much of the time early on, but the important thing for me was that I kept going to therapy and maintained a willingness to "dig in", "uncover the wounds".... things that are extrememly difficult for many of us with PTSD (regardless of the level). My husband came into a a couple of sessions upon my invite so he could ask the therapist about my behavior, how to understand symptoms and such. He still maintains his curiousity and here we are a decade later and we can talk openly or I can let him know I need a gentle day.

Symptoms, for many of us, will always be there. For me, they are becoming more manageable or recognizable. It will be a lifelong process, learning to sope with symptoms using cognitive techniques. Staying married was a huge accomplishment this year for us.

All said, I don't identify myself by my mental illness too often anymore. I hope my response shed some light. Everyone is different and each supporter has their limitations too. I hope we can stay in touch.

Make the best of 2012!!

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[Joslyn]

Hi, dropping another line regarding the medication. To take or not to take. Well, either way, people with depression PTSD etc. benefit from even the slightest bit of exercise. The mood elevation is remakable. Even a walk here and there helps so much. Just a suggestion while he decides what to do.

Take care and be safe!!

Happy 2012

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[amethist]

Hi Hopeful, Lauren and everyone else who has replied to this thread.

Maybe the following link will help to explain more why some sufferers struggle with relationships. They struggle daily to work out their own issues and feelings, so trying to show love and feelings to some one else can be extremely difficult for them to do.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

With time, actively doing all they can to heal, and a lot of patience and understanding from you, you can get a lot back, but it does take time.

Amethist

 

[Eleanor]

Re: mixed messages.

OMG. My H goes to "I am just done with this" and divorce and "What house do you want" inevitably if the episode is bad. It takes me days to recover (like four.) Haven't had one for a couple of months (2,since he started with the T) but still live in some fear. He has never DONE anything about this... which I guess is why I feel justified in thinking it is "the PTSD" not "him". Separating the two... a real trick.

And yes yes yes, amethist ALWAYS back to the stress cup - AND remembering that good stress (as our late X'mas was) is STILL STRESS!!! (so we had to go away for a night to recover....)

Joslyn - so much there... Thank You!