MysticRose
Bronze Member
Hi,
So, lately I've been feeling completely empty. I have no clue how to feel, how to show my emotions. I'm at this crossroad, and no matter which way I go, it won't be good enough. It makes my head a mess, I can't stop thinking. But I can't start feeling either.
I want to cry, but I can't.
I want to feel sad, but I can't.
I want to feel happiness, but I can't.
I'm just completely blanked out. At first, I thought it would make me feel safe. Not feeling anything means no moodswings. And sometimes it does feel good, because I don't let anything get to me. But on the other hand, that's just a show. Somewhere, deep down inside, my whole being is screaming, crying, yelling, throwing tantrums, demolishing myself.. The point is, that I don't know how to release some of my feelings. Would it be better? Would it make me feel less numb? Or would it cause what it used to cause before: a very deep depression, crying all day long. I want to feel, but I'm too afraid to do so. I can't seem to show affection to my husband and kids, even though I force myself to give them the hugs and kisses they need. But it doesn't touch me. The happiness my little girl brings home, doesn't affect me. Doesn't get to me. I love her though, both of them, and I tell them daily. Will it harm them, because I can't put any feelings into it? Or will they see a mommy who tries to do her best?
I do see one positive side-effect; because I don't care much about what others think, it's so much easier to stand up for myself and tell others no. I've said yes for too long. I've been easy for too long. Now I just don't care. So within this emptiness of life, I found a little strength as well.
Let's not make this any longer. I think my post is becoming quite confusing. I'm sorry, my head is a mess. So.. what's better than writing it down here?
So, lately I've been feeling completely empty. I have no clue how to feel, how to show my emotions. I'm at this crossroad, and no matter which way I go, it won't be good enough. It makes my head a mess, I can't stop thinking. But I can't start feeling either.
I want to cry, but I can't.
I want to feel sad, but I can't.
I want to feel happiness, but I can't.
I'm just completely blanked out. At first, I thought it would make me feel safe. Not feeling anything means no moodswings. And sometimes it does feel good, because I don't let anything get to me. But on the other hand, that's just a show. Somewhere, deep down inside, my whole being is screaming, crying, yelling, throwing tantrums, demolishing myself.. The point is, that I don't know how to release some of my feelings. Would it be better? Would it make me feel less numb? Or would it cause what it used to cause before: a very deep depression, crying all day long. I want to feel, but I'm too afraid to do so. I can't seem to show affection to my husband and kids, even though I force myself to give them the hugs and kisses they need. But it doesn't touch me. The happiness my little girl brings home, doesn't affect me. Doesn't get to me. I love her though, both of them, and I tell them daily. Will it harm them, because I can't put any feelings into it? Or will they see a mommy who tries to do her best?
I do see one positive side-effect; because I don't care much about what others think, it's so much easier to stand up for myself and tell others no. I've said yes for too long. I've been easy for too long. Now I just don't care. So within this emptiness of life, I found a little strength as well.
Let's not make this any longer. I think my post is becoming quite confusing. I'm sorry, my head is a mess. So.. what's better than writing it down here?
