Empty...

[Maggiemay]

Really struggling this week. I'm a school teacher and just had a week off for half term. Hate where I'm currently working (got a new job for September) but am nothing without it, I just can't win.

Usually I struggle during the holidays as I don't have my routine and usually end up feeling low so I shouldn't be surprised...

But this time it feels different. I'm totally empty, there's nothing there. I've had moments where I've doubted ny existence, am I really real? Without anyone to validate me I am nothing, just a shell.

It is the oldest feeling and hard to understand. I know on an intellectual level this is a complication of either BPD or depersonalisation, but I have moments when I've believed I'm not really here I even went out earlier and had to come home as it just didn't feel safe I totally lost my bearings.

I feel exposed and totally striped bear, as if someone has stolen my identity, my sense of self, my inner being...

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Maggiemay, I haven't felt like that in a while, but I remember feeling that way. Actually for me it's the other way around now (too much in my head). But you are quite real! I was reading about your situation just seconds ago. Could you maybe do something you really love (like work on a hobby or watch something you really like) to remind you of your identity? :hug:

 

[Maggiemay]

I usually do a lot of crafting but I haven't this holiday. It doesn't help that am feeling low so don't have the motivation, and forget what makes me me and thus what I enjoy and defines me. I've cancelled meeting people this week as well because of this, which doesn't help. Even my man although I enjoyed spending time with him yest, it's as if when he's not there the connection is lost...

 

[maddog]

I know these feelings all too well Maggiemay, you do an uncanny job of describing what I have often found almost impossible to describe. Whatever you call it, and in the end I don't think it matters, it's an awful, lonely, sometimes debilitating feeling, which is definitely complicated by the depression or general "lowness" that keeps you from being easily able to do the things to keep your mind and body busy.

I've found that familiar, comforting sensory input is helpful - sitting in the sun, long warm/cool showers (depending on the weather), wrapping yourself up in something warm like a blanket... etc. These are things that can help you to be aware of the feel of your body and its connection to your mind, without requiring the effort of exercise and without requiring you to do anything that could make you feel unsafe or disorientated.

Sometimes, I find the sound of my own voice to be useful. I have adog, so can justifiably talk to myself and pretend I'm talking to her! But even if you don't, seriously, if you're alone then who really cares. Maybe just talking, about anything, could help. You can hear your own voice, you can think about what you want to say, and you can even tape it and play it back to yourself if it gets really bad. Sounds crazy,but I am a huge believer in whatever works, and keeping yourself grounded in your mind and body is really important. Sometimes I've found it helpful to even try describing the way I'm feeling out loud, as though I'm telling someone else.

Just some thoughts, I know it's horrible, and all the worse when you have lost the routine you cling to. We're always here to listen too, and that often helps me...

Maddog

 

[franciemarnie]

I identify for sure. The suggestions others have given are great. Mindfulness meditation helps me a lot.

I use music to bring me back from the void. Songs that make me feel something again to jerk me out of it if possible.

Also watching certain favorite movies that can make me feel like Casablanca.

One thing is certain. This will not last forever. I know that doesn't make you feel any better in the short run, but know that change will come as long as you don't give up. Sending healing energy.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks maddog, some good advice. ;) I spoke to T about it, she's made me promise not to stay in bed all day and go putfor a walk, ootherwise I just make it worse, but it's so hard. I was so scared yest when I went out as no connection with the world, I was totally detached. This makes my perceptions warped and all over the place... I've got drs appointment tomorrow, but not ny normal Dr so winding myself up that I'm just going to have to put up with this for another month... I've got to go back to work to, which although it'll give me purpose, I'm worried about as I have done no planning etc feel like I've forgotten how to do my job... *sigh*

Francie - I've read a lot about mindfulness, but never tried it.I tried music yesyesterday, but it just emphasised my feelings of loneliness and isolation. Tried telly, but I have no focus or concentration so can't really follow what's going on, it's just noise in the background.

That's what keeps me going, knowing however bad I feel, it's always only ever temporary. That's one of the good things about being Borderline - mood swings!

I've spoken a lot with T about the different fragments of my personality that are all disconnected. I thought I'd done a lot of work on reintegrating them, but it's times like this I realise I still have a long way to go. But come tomorrow, when I'm sat with 27eager children wanting to learn, I'll default back to 'capable' me and forget this ever happened...

 

[rightkindofme]

When I used to teach I had major depressive episodes every holiday. I tried to view it as my body repairing itself from the strain of the workload. But that could be a lie I told myself. :)

 

[Anna]

Maggiemay, I have been feeling empty and devoid for over a whole year now. The emotional numbness has been constant. It is worrying me a little because I seem to be almost on autopilot most of the time.

 

[Maggiemay]

Rightkindofme... Every holiday I end up feeling low! Probably for being a whirlwind on fast forward during term time. I'm dreading the summer holidays....

Anna.. oh my, I couldn't hack this for a whole year... *huggles *

I've tried to occupy myself by doing things today, even went out & bought myself a new dress, but I'm still not right...

 

[Only 1 of me]

Hope you are doing ok tonight as school looms tomorrow. I am also a teacher and recognise the pattern of a demanding giving role and then crashing in holidays. I've been off work since November, and really struggled with knowing who I am if I'm not teaching. I will be back at work part time in September but it feels strange that almost a year has gone by and I've hardly taught at all.

One of the best things I learned this year was mindfulness, there are lots of good apps but if you are feeling fragile find a teacher to guide you. Google search for mindfulness in your area. I also learned about thinking distortions through CBT. I'm an all or nothing thinker by default, and I have to watch out for that and challenge it.

Good luck tomorrow, hope it goes well.

 

[Maggiemay]

*hugs* only1forme.

I was signed off July last yr til January. I hated every second of it, but I could never have taught in hindsight. I was shocked at how well I got stuck back in when I went back. But am a very different teacher now - so much more confident. But sadly, colleagues have been very unaccomodating. I've got a new job in Sept - I'm moving over to special ed where it's a whole different ball game. I can't wait! :)

I need to look further into mindfulness...
Thanks, I'm not at school til the afternoon - I've got Dr's and therapy in the morning. Eeek...