Relationship Enabling?

[Brown Eyes]

Does anybody feel they are enabling their significant other?
I've been with my guy for 5 months now and would do anything for him as he would me but...actions speak louder than words.
He makes promises to do lots of things with me, take me here, go there, etc. Yes some things do happen but only about 10% of promised 'plans'. And the majority of them are spontaneous invites as opposed to plans. He cannot and will not live any other way than Day to Day. We are both retired, financially secure and live 10 minutes apart so the world everyday is our playground? Nothing holding us back...in my eyes.
Am I enabling him to continue in his PTSD ways by fueling his NO PLANS way of life or is this just a fact of most sufferers?
I called him out on this and after thanking me he told me that he is not that ARMY DUDE and thought he was being quote 'Normal'.
Any advice would be appreciated since I am about ready to show him I can no longer live day to day or even hour to hour like he claims he must.

 

[Justmehere]

Am I enabling him to continue in his PTSD ways by fueling his NO PLANS way of life or is this just a fact of most sufferers?

I don't see any way that you are enabling him to not plan for the future. It could be that one of the joys of retired life for him is to have no plans. It could also be part of the PTSD.

On some dating websites it will ask, "do you like to be spontaneous$ or make plans?" It asks this because it can drive non-PTSD couples up the wall when one likes it one way and the other likes it the other way.

The lack of follow through on even spontaneous events would be very frustrating for me.

Any advice would be appreciated since I am about ready to show him I can no longer live day to day or even hour to hour like he claims he must.

Don't focus on this being a sign of his pathology or not, he seems pretty resistant to that. Don't keep trying to change him, you can't do that anyhow.

Instead, focus on what you need and want to make a relationship work. Focus on what do have control over: you. I'd figure out if this is a deal breaker for you or not, and then without shaming or blaming, let him know what you need to make this work, and what you will do to manage your limits and boundaries.

 

[Kintsugi]

Yeah... this sounds like less PTSD and more a clash of personalities. Flakiness can come with PTSD, but frankly, to me that is the extreme mild end of the spectrum of what a supporter could deal with.

I 100% agree with JMH about deal breakers and boundaries. It's your life. You don't have to agree to tolerate behavior you don't like. Sorry to be sort of flippantly cliche, but... plenty of fish etc?

 

[Brown Eyes]

Great advice! He admits to only being able to live day to day (PTSD) but has followed thru with plans I had the guts to make....very few.
If he wants to be 'normal' as he thinks he has been, then I should continue to request plans as well as spontaneity. Should be a win-win...right?
I felt I may be enabling by being so flexible letting him run the show when his goal is to be 'like me'.
Not sure how far to push him before I exit the relationship.

 

[illusionist]

Being pushed, when I have already explained how I need to live my life, would only have one result......I'd be the one leaving the relationship.

You can't change him, nor should you change what you need....yep some things can be tweeked, others are major differences that affect the relationship. These are the sort of things we learn about each other, and find out if we are comparable or not.....with or without ptsd.

Being pushed at my age would raise red flags to me, even if they came across as ' subtle '....

And, do you really want to spend this time of your life pushing to get the way of life that you need to be happy?

 

[Brown Eyes]

I'll remind him that he wanted to take me to the fair this summer...just started last night.
He always thanks me for keeping him on track.
Thank you for that Illusionist.

 

[Justmehere]

Use I statements as much as possible when reminding him.

You could even turn it into a positive - "when you invite me to the fair, I feel so delighted and cared about..." Stay away from "you should" statements.

When it comes time to set a boundary, use the same pattern of i statements "when you.... I feel...." and add what you need to stay, and if it doesn't happen, what you will do about it to manage your life and limits in light that of it.

 

[Brown Eyes]

That is great advice JMH!
Too bad I already reminded him by saying, "Would you like to take me to the Fair this week?" He responded "I would like to take you during the day." Understanding the nighttime and noises and commotion, that he cannot do, I agreed. Will it happen? I am not holding my breath. This is an event he attended as a child and has not returned since his brother died in a car accident on his way home...more PTSD issues? He's very good at acknowledging where he is going wrong and that he is trying to do better...that is why I still believe this is a PTSD issue. I am always kind and he claims I am helping him sooooo much!? Although others say just a relationship flaw...I still disagree. Despite how this situations sounds...we've never had a cross word or even a disagreement. We truly care about making this work so that is why I have decided I would like some guidance and advice from you all.

 

[Sighs]

Do you go anyway without him when he fails to follow through? Or do you not go either and then resent him for preventing you from going?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you read the stress cup explanation? Good stress is stress too. He may stress himself out when he makes plans. He could sit and fret about something up until it's time to go, then end up being to sick to even get out the door. My vet does that a lot.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Do you go anyway without him when he fails to follow through? Or do you not go either and then resent hi...

Since most of the time we are exploring nature together or trying a new restaurant...I choose to not continue on alone. I never resent him but it makes me sad to wonder why? Out of respect for his own privacy I don't make a big deal of it

 

[Brown Eyes]

That link was helpful...thank you. I am truly just learning bits and pieces of this since I have rarely experienced his stress or anger first hand and never directed towards me. He would say, our relationship is so easy because I don't know his other 'working side'. He actually began to show me photos of him in combat situations, uniform, weapon, daily routine etc. because I told him I wanted to know anything he was willing to share with me. The stressors have been discussed when I was with him and he was stressing. I did not realize that he may be stressed prior to joining me while he was in the comfort of his home, which I've never been. Thanks again for making me aware of what he's chosen to hide from me. On rare occasions, we have morning plans, I know he chooses to stay awake all night as opposed to awakening early as I do? Another thing I could not attempt to understand since sleep is wonderfully important to me.