How to spot "enabling" ?

[Ecdysis]

I assume that like with most things, there's a spectrum that runs from healthy support at the one end, to "enabling" at the other end.

I think I'm okay at spotting either of those extremes... but the stuff in the middle becomes harder to work out... when does support "tip over" into enabling?

How do I know if I'm enabling someone?

My trauma childhood upbringing taught me that I should be enabling people... So spotting it and going against that teaching is a challenge...

Does anyone have good ways to spot enabling and to put a stop to it?

 

[Ecdysis]

"Enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies"

from:

How to Spot and Stop Enabling Behavior

Enabling behaviors may have the potential to encourage harmful tendencies in others. Here are the signs of enabling and what to do to stop.

psychcentral.com

Sigh... I'm currently in one of these dynamics... And feeling a lot of anger and resentment about it... I do not want to be caught up in somene else's unhealthy tendencies.

I think it's a healthy reaction, to feel that way. Now I just have to disengage and be firm about sticking to that.

 

[arfie]

rant warning

"enabling" is a big subject in my strictly personal psycho cauldron, skin shedder. insert shakespeare's song of the witches here. "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and caldron bubble." (macbeth) add in my longest running hobby, etymology, a 44 year old crackhead son, a few other sets of etceteras and? ? ? how do you spell, "crazy?" e-n-able? am i grammar spelling or witch's spelling?

my current, strictly personal approach to this gnarly snot knot is believing that i am ALWAYS enabling something, be it the continued survival of an earthworm i rescued off the asphalt or filling my son's crack pipe. i am taking my opportunities to enable one at a time and keeping the focus on enabling well, case by case, play by play, bubble by bubble. eye of newt by eye of newt. letting god lead the dance.

and it is okay if you did not understand a word of that. i'm not sure i understand it, either. i'm mostly commiserating.

for what it's worth
i haven't filled my son's crack pipe --or any other assistance-- for a good many years now. 8? 10? he's still hating on me for it. i'm not sure if hubs is still giving him money, or not. for sure, it hasn't been too many months since the last handout. prayers ongoing. hope healing happens here.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @arfie Yeah, it's a difficult issue, huh. It's helpful to be reminded I'm not the only one struggling with it and who thinks it's crazy-making. And that it's not a personal failing if we struggle with this.

 

[Ecdysis]

I wonder whether it has to do with the Karpman drama triangle...?

Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia

I feel like I'm getting drawn into a dynamic like that...

I certainly don't want to be the victim (had enough of that, thanks childhood trauma)... And certainly don't want to be in a perp role.

It feels like the "only role left" is that of the helper/ enabler.

But that role's not healthy either.

I guess the solution is to step out of the dynamic altogether.

I guess I have to accept with C-PTSD, I'm prone to getting entagled in this kind of stupid dynamic and I need to be wary of it. Like someone who knows they have and allergy tries to avoid that allergen.

 

[Applecore]

Have you read this book?

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Book Cover May Vary Paperback – January 1, 1992​

by Melody Beattie

Amazon.com

 

[arfie]

this is my first exposure to the karpman drama triangle. it seems a bit over-simplified, but all three points are familiar to me from the family dysfunction models i learned from way back in the last millennium. you know. . . back when even the dumbest of people were smarter than phones.

i'll buy the model, though, in an uneducatied sort of way. keeping it to the over-simplified mode, i believe i have shifted between all three corners of that triangle more than once on my personal trail of tears. in case you had doubts of just how crazy i am, i find myself visualizing a rack of pool balls. the 8 ball isn't always in the middle. can i play the cue ball in this scenario? just hoping. . .

 

[Applecore]

I guess I have to accept with C-PTSD, I'm prone to getting entagled in this kind of stupid dynamic and I need to be wary of it. Like someone who knows they have and allergy tries to avoid that allergen.

Don't some psychologies say that we are destined to unravel the mysteries of our parents in our significant others? Which may be why we get drawn to dysfunctional traits, because we want to work out how to live with them as an adult when we couldn't as a child.

I had a thought today that my mother appears to have traits of autism and my best friend appears to have traits of borderline. The common denominator is that both can appear to lack empathy.

And yeah, I am here for you as your fellow C-PTSD ally.

Go get'em

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you!

I'm finding the Karpman drama triangle a valuable tool cos it's an instant reminder to my brain of how these dynamics work...

I've extracted myself from the "helper" role... Took me about 24 hours of anger and headaches to dis-entangle myself from it, but I think it's done now.

It's funny... I do know that I'm prone to be triggered into those dynamics when I see someone in distress thanks to childhood trauma...

But people who *want* to suck me into a dynamic like that and who can tell that I'm prone to being triggered into it...

Also react like when I refuse to participate beyond the initial loop it throws me into...

Yes, childhood trauma has made me more prone to this, but childhood trauma has also given me a huuuuge "Hell no!!!" response to these kind of dynamics, once I realise what's going on. Had enough of that in childhood and don't want ANY more of it, thank you very much.

I still can't believe that there are adults who are messed up enough to *want* to be in those kinds of dynamics. I didn't understand it as a child either. It just blows my mind.

 

[Applecore]

Thank you!

I'm finding the Karpman drama triangle a valuable tool cos it's an instant reminder to my brain of how these dynamics work...

I've extracted myself from the "helper" role... Took me about 24 hours of anger and headaches to dis-entangle myself from it, but I think it's done now.

It's funny... I do know that I'm prone to be triggered into those dynamics when I see someone in distress thanks to childhood trauma...

But people who *want* to suck me into a dynamic like that and who can tell that I'm prone to being triggered into it...

Also react like when I refuse to participate beyond the initial loop it throws me into...

Yes, childhood trauma has made me more prone to this, but childhood trauma has also given me a huuuuge "Hell no!!!" response to these kind of dynamics, once I realise what's going on. Had enough of that in childhood and don't want ANY more of it, thank you very much.

I still can't believe that there are adults who are messed up enough to *want* to be in those kinds of dynamics. I didn't understand it as a child either. It just blows my mind.

24 hours is light speed - good job!

FWIW I am not sure if those people always know that it's what they want, they may be falling into the pattern just as a helper does, without self-awareness. If only they understood that being helped isn't going to make them stronger, they might not want it at all.

Just a thought about what happens sometimes, maybe it doesn't always apply.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah, that's true.

Thankfully this isn't someone I'm close to... which is why I didn't previously realise what they were like and why it's easier to disentangle myself, than if it were a longer friendship.

ETA:

Right, just sent a message cancelling any of my "support" in this fake drama... I mean, there is an underlying real mess, but it's been created needlessly and needless drama has been piled on top...

I'm beyond relieved to be "out" of this mess.

I seriously need to work out how to spot this kind of sooner in future tho... And to either side-step it entirely, or to make sure I get out at the first sign of such broken/ unhealthy dynamics.

I need this to be a lesson that I learn... one that sticks.

I think because I'm not close to this person at all, I may be able to see it much "clearer" than if it were a more complex relationship with all sorts of layers and tangled up dynamics.

This needs to get stored in my brain as a very clear warning for all similar future situations.

 

[Applecore]

Yeah, that's true.

Thankfully this isn't someone I'm close to... which is why I didn't previously realise what they were like and why it's easier to disentangle myself, than if it were a longer friendship.

ETA:

Right, just sent a message cancelling any of my "support" in this fake drama... I mean, there is an underlying real mess, but it's been created needlessly and needless drama has been piled on top...

I'm beyond relieved to be "out" of this mess.

I seriously need to work out how to spot this kind of sooner in future tho... And to either side-step it entirely, or to make sure I get out at the first sign of such broken/ unhealthy dynamics.

I need this to be a lesson that I learn... one that sticks.

I think because I'm not close to this person at all, I may be able to see it much "clearer" than if it were a more complex relationship with all sorts of layers and tangled up dynamics.

This needs to get stored in my brain as a very clear warning for all similar future situations.

All well said.

At the same time, the older I get (I'm 48, and in a WAY better state than even 10 years ago, let alone 20 or 30) the more I think we CPTSDs need to be careful not to over-correct or over react. Sometimes we're rushing to relatively effortlessly 'cancel' anyone who gives us the slightest bit of a reminder of the dysfunctional patterns in our lives since childhood. We need to learn how to say no in a loving way, how to assert our needs while not alienating ourselves from the potential friends that we need so dearly. I can fully disclose my regret at wrecking potential friendships by defending my boundaries too strongly. There have been times when I escalated way too quickly by expressive anger (not in itself a bad thing). I could have more constructively told the other person calmly that as much as I like them and understand they are trying to make a connection with me, I am starting to feel hurt or uncomfortable by what they are saying or doing. Communication skills.

And so, back on my book recommendation trip!

Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work

Audible Audiobook – Unabridged​

David D. Burns MD (Author),