How to spot "enabling" ?

[Ecdysis]

Hmm, yeah, I take your point. I agree that over-corrections can cause problems too.

I'm trying to work out whether I've ever really regretted any dysfunctional relationships that I've put an end to... I'm not really sure I can pinpoint any such regrets, to be honest. Probably more the other way round, really... That there are a few dysfunctional relationships that I'm annoyed that I didn't end sooner.

Having said that, it's not that I don't wish for more good relationships in my life... But I really think I would prefer functional ones instead of dysfunctional ones. Maybe that's me being too judgemental... Maybe we're all f*cked up in our own way and being close to people means having to accept dysfunction...?

I truly don't know... I have Aspergers tho, so my need for company and relationships is lower than average anyway, I guess... And childhood trauma certainly taught me that "having no relationship is better than having a bad relationship".

There's one specific relationship that I do wish had worked out... but oh, boy, that one was soooo dysfunctional that it ended in trauma and I know I definitely shouldn't wish it had worked out... So I'm not sure that one counts, either...

 

[Applecore]

Having said that, it's not that I don't wish for more good relationships in my life... But I really think I would prefer functional ones instead of dysfunctional ones. Maybe that's me being too judgemental... Maybe we're all f*cked up in our own way and being close to people means having to accept dysfunction...?

Yes I agree, and certainly prefer not having a relationship with a person to one that is *too* dysfunctional with that person. And yes, we're all f*cked up in our own way and being close to people means having to accept *some* dysfunction. It's all about where we choose to draw the line around our comfort zone. I am glad never to see some people again, I regret that I won't see some other people again.

Most important tho, I think we can learn skills to improve relationships. That is a middle way which is better than having either dysfunction with people or isolation without people. It also means we own the situation, we have agency. Instead of only being walked on or only walking away.

 

[Friday]

Enabling. Someone who helps you… do unapproved/unhealthy/socially inappropriate things.

Bless them.

Or I’d never have survived this long.

 

[empathuniverse]

Thank you!

I'm finding the Karpman drama triangle a valuable tool cos it's an instant reminder to my brain of how these dynamics work...

I've extracted myself from the "helper" role... Took me about 24 hours of anger and headaches to dis-entangle myself from it, but I think it's done now.

It's funny... I do know that I'm prone to be triggered into those dynamics when I see someone in distress thanks to childhood trauma...

But people who *want* to suck me into a dynamic like that and who can tell that I'm prone to being triggered into it...

Also react like when I refuse to participate beyond the initial loop it throws me into...

Yes, childhood trauma has made me more prone to this, but childhood trauma has also given me a huuuuge "Hell no!!!" response to these kind of dynamics, once I realise what's going on. Had enough of that in childhood and don't want ANY more of it, thank you very much.

I still can't believe that there are adults who are messed up enough to *want* to be in those kinds of dynamics. I didn't understand it as a child either. It just blows my mind.

I still can't believe that there are adults who are messed up enough to *want* to be in those kinds of dynamics. I didn't understand it as a child either. It just blows my mind.

You may not like this response but I will put it out here - There are many who get manipulated or guilted in feeling this way, and often it is the case of people believing they are being better people as that's what they are conditioned into believing. Depending on how manipulated they are equals how squewed their perceptions area.

A big lesson I have learned is tough love compared to learning to give into a parents whim and that your very bad and uncompassionate if you do not do what they want you to do. "How unloving of me!" becomes the norm in many different situations. These wires get crossed with manipulative and normal people alike from conditioning. It can be a real tangled mess dependant on circumstances and there are a lot of adults that have been conditioned in myriads of ways.

Realising who owns what and not taking ownership for others beliefs in the presence of those who play the victim is healthy.
Telling people how it is and letting them learn from their own mistakes is also healthy for personal development.

 

[shimmerz]

Years ago my father had a series of strokes and heart attacks. He had been overweight all of his life. You could say that the strokes and heart attacks were of his own doing. I took care of him for 7 years, until his death in 1989.

My husband at the time told me I was being stupid. That it was his own fault that he was having strokes and heart attacks. That I should walk away and not look back. That I had children and my own life to live and that my helping my father was affecting my husband and my relationship badly.

There was truth in both sides I expect. The fact was though that I had to live with myself and I could not have walked away from my father in his time of need. Just like he didn't walk away from me ever in my own times of need when I relied on him.

I think we need to remember we are human and caring about one another - even with each of our faults, is what being human is about.