General Encouragement Or False Hope?

[LoyalOne]

I don't know whether this is a PTSD symptom, or a personality trait, but considering the complication of PTSD and depression in this situation either way...

I know we have all seen the effects of sufferers beating themselves up and sabotaging their own efforts at having good relationships, jobs, etc. But it is common for them to deliberately build themselves up first? My Sgt has a habit of talking air castles to me that started in Afghanistan, over those long email chains in the watches of the night. 'When I get out, I am going to have a little house, maybe in New England,' 'When I get out, I am going to get a job as a police officer/fireman/Border Patrol/TSA/CIA,' 'When I get out I am going to sail the Pacific,' 'When I get out........'

You know those little dreams people dream when their reality is too ugly to face - who knows if anything will come of them. Sometimes the dream itself is enough to keep you going.

Well, he got hurt. And got sent home. And got 'kicked' out of the Corps (he swears he is a better Marine with one arm than the rest of them are with two). And moved home to his busted, economically depressed home state. The jobs are depressing and far and few between. He is miserable, and drowning in his own head. And has started talking again. He says every couple of weeks he is doing this, he is doing that - he is visiting me, he is visiting Europe, he is going to see his buddies - nothing ever comes of it.

This time, he is going to move to my town and become a firefighter. He is doing it, he swears. He is checking out the exam, he has vet friends here, we have great jobs for a guy with his experience, it's a great town, I have a Marine friend on the force who likes him and will help him out, etc.

Now, I know there is a 75% chance he will find some reason to crash his own dreams again. But in the meantime, my heart is all torn up; there is no way in hell he can pass the physical. His right arm is trash. So is his left hip. He needs more surgery. I want to encourage him in anything that he wants to do - I mean, he is a pretty bad ass, capable guy, and really needs to do something he loves, and get out of this rut he is in. He is so excited right now. But if he goes all out on this, and they tell him; 'Sorry, son - you can't hack it,' it is going to crush him. He feels so useless.

What do I do?

 

[Jacquie]

Let him sit the test. Encourage him to sit the test. Put a date on sitting the test. Dont let him out of sitting the test. Otherwise it will always be there tantalisingly...unreal. As a possibility. And while its there, nothing else will happen, because he wont be looking.

Someone said to me once "Maybe's will keep you broke" Never let a fence sitter sit. Ping them one way or the other. And treat a maybe as a no, and say so. Say I'll take that as a no and walk away. It forces them to make a decision.

You cant eat maybe's.

Once the maybe is out the way, then comes looking at what you 'can' do with what you've got. And then that becomes a positive thing, and a plan, and if you put a date on it, a goal.

But a maybe will keep you broke, because all you do is look at that gold plated pie in the sky as if its real. Put it to the test.

 

[LoyalOne]

Thanks, Jacquie. You're right. He can't eat maybe's.

I have awesome news, though. While I was sitting here worrying about it, he actually called me. Thrilled and terrified. I guess he had an interview this morning for some factory job - honestly employed, but nothing fancy, given his technical expertise. The manager took him out and hauled him to his office - he had read Sgt's resume, and wanted to offer him a much higher position! Sgt did his damnedest to excuse himself, saying he might be moving away, etc. etc., but the manager wouldn't take no for an answer, and basically pushed Sgt. into a plum job! I told him I would reach right through the phone and strangle him if he didn't take it. He is taking it. I am so excited. This is such a huge load off my chest. I told him to sit the exam anyway, since it is his dream, but to take that bloody job in the meantime!

 

[Jacquie]

You cant imagine how much I was smiling when I read that :)

 

[mamachick]

Great advice

 

[ISupportHer]

Let him sit the test. Encourage him to sit the test. Put a date on sitting the test. Dont let him out of sitting the test. Otherwise it will always be there tantalisingly...unreal. As a possibility. And while its there, nothing else will happen, because he wont be looking.

Someone said to me once "Maybe's will keep you broke" Never let a fence sitter sit. Ping them one way or the other. And treat a maybe as a no, and say so. Say I'll take that as a no and walk away. It forces them to make a decision.

You cant eat maybe's.

Once the maybe is out the way, then comes looking at what you 'can' do with what you've got. And then that becomes a positive thing, and a plan, and if you put a date on it, a goal.

But a maybe will keep you broke, because all you do is look at that gold plated pie in the sky as if its real. Put it to the test.

I have many times said that part of how the forum helps me is that sometimes I come across one statement or thought that really has impact for me at the moment. Something I feel I can adapt and use. Jacuie, this post is IT for me today. Awesome post.

This forum is "give and take" You give support but yet also take it. I'm taking this one. :)
TY
ISH

 

[LoyalOne]

I am so happy for him. I am actually dizzy with relief. :)