Relationship Ended things, a few days after his therapy session.

[Gs172003]

My problem isn’t so much him not meeting my needs.

It’s more his words, and the whole p...

That may not stop. You either have to be ok with that or you'll have to move on.

 

[Gs172003]

Sigh!

I've been with my vet for almost 5 years. We "break up" all the time. He's stood there and told...

I tell my husband I want a divorce at least once a week. It's bull crap but at the time I absolutely mean it.

 

[Sighs]

at the time I absolutely mean it

^^^this. Somehow you have to get zen about this as a supporter. I'll let you know if I get there.

 

[Freida]

He's told me he never wants to see me again. He's told me that he feels no connection to me whatsoever. He's told me that he feels completely alone in the world. Does it hurt? Hell yes. Like a kick in the guts every time. But it's because he is emotionally numb and isolating mentally if not physically.

Been doing this kind of stuff to hubby the whole 20 years we have been together. It's this feeling of disconnecting from everything combined with a need to escape my own brain. It makes sense (to me!) that I blame the person I'm with for how I'm numb I'm feeling. It must be their fault because I'm just fine thank you very much. And until I started treatment I had no idea why I behaved this way. And now that I'm in therapy -- I know why. But it doesnt stop it. Last month I was in isolation mode and I truly didn't care if he lived or died. Looking back that is horrifying - because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But during the dark days? I could care less about him, his needs, his wishes, his life.

 

[Justmehere]

mine wants to move down south every other week.

I get spikes of “I need to move...” as a sufferer... and by the time I actually get moving boxes, nah, I’m good.

I drive myself up the wall with this. Ugh.

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD - how is it going looking into getting counseling for you? Every new round of this with him seems to stir up very core issues around your self worth and you keep trying to address it by changing him or better understanding him... and that isn’t going to get you anywhere.

But getting into counseling and learning how to ride the waves of mental illness without drowning yourself, but holding on to a steady sense of self worth, no matter what others do, then you’ll have more of the life you want to have.

 

[TwilightDream]

It’s more his words, and the whole push and pull thing.
Just coming out with stuff like ‘I don’t feel the attraction’ I didn’t even prompt that.
I don’t mind him being selfish and taking care of himself. I want him to feel better. So why come out with stuff like that when I haven’t asked for any answers.

Wow, my friend. I have gone through so many of the same feelings that you have. When things take a turn, it's extremely hard for us to wrap our heads around what's happening. The words that are used, feels like unattached honesty to them. But for us, it feels like we're being disemboweled. WTF do you mean that all of the sudden you don't love me, you don't care about me? Things she would say just felt so cold and callous. I would react emotionally, with hurt, panic, anger, or any combination of the three. When a person that you love, tells you that they don't care about you, love you, not attracted to you anymore, etc, although manifestations of PTSD, you would have to be a computer, or a machine, to not feel hurt off that. To always be able to be so logical about it... with oh I know that's just the PTSD. So yes, you know it's a disorder behind it, but in my case, she was still around for other reasons. Although I know it started out with good intention, nevertheless, it left me feeling so used and played. It's really hard to adjust to the concept of emotional numbing, but to find a comfort level for yourself to feel at ease, or any level of certainty with the relationship.

When my ex SO first started therapy, there was a time within the first few months that we were actually doing better. Trying to work with each other. I remember actually describing it as sweet, the ups and downs of trying to figure out how to maintain, with our circumstances. I would guess, as guessing has been all I can do, that maybe she was going through some grounding and safety work at that time. Then abruptly, the downhill spiral of the past 7 months kicked in with a vengeance.

This is week one of therapy? You are in for a bumpy ride if you're freakin out already!

Neither of us had any idea what we were in for. I so desperately wanted to control our future. But these things are out of our hands. That's one of the hardest things to accept. Looking back, I can say, yes, I made all kinds of errors in coping with this situation. But again, looking back, there likely wasn't much else I could of done differently to avoid the fall out. I was naive in the beginning. I thought... therapy??? Sweet! All better in a few months. Not even close. It was all a learning process. I couldn't have known, straight out the gate, exactly what to do to support a person with PTSD. Even after starting to research it, it took me months, and then months more, after starting my own therapy.

The thing that will finally make you go away.

Yes indeed @Freida , yes indeed. So when the previous turd that she splattered in my face, was not enough for me to retreat, she threw a bigger turd. Still not enough? Now I'm being doused with diarrhea. Oh, still around? You must enjoy it. How's about I just dunk you in to the filthiest outhouse toilet, and stir you around with a cooking stick. Yup, that worked. She has FINALLY gone away.

He's been playing with your emotions for months now. He just started therapy and therapy is HELL. I'd leave him be to sort himself out which could take months (or even years). He's not healthy enough to take care of himself let alone your concerns.

and...

But the only thing you can do now is to leave him be if it is causing you so much pain.

These two above quotes are so truthful that it hurts my stomach. My therapist has helped me work through these things over the past few months. I initially went to therapy to learn how to be "less reactive". LOL. Of course, I was going to therapy to try and save my relationship. But one thing was missing. Her. And that leaves me with... me. I am working on gaining a new perspective. The concept of "how much pain are they causing us". I have an amazingly high pain and stress tolerance. It has taken my T so much work to introduce me to the idea that I don't NEED to be in a constant state of emotional pain. I would always say, "I just want to check on her every couple weeks. Make sure she's ok". He would advise, "do so at your own risk". What has evidence shown me? Any interaction I have with her, I'm gonna walk away from it feeling like stir fried shit. Do I, or do I not, want to fell like stir fried shit every 2 weeks? I mean, of course I'm up for a little self punishment, I mean, who isn't???:banghead::wtf::hungover:

Anyway, my T said something to me that resonated. He said that if my ex showed up at my door tomorrow, and said she's sorry, this is where she's at with things, she was reaching out. He said he's bet his mortgage that I would work with her. Even if just as a friend/person who cares for her. But she's not showing up. I have got to let go of the dream. And come to acceptance with the reality. It hurts like a SOB. But I don't regret a minute of hanging in with her. Neither of us could of changed what we went through, and what we are going through. It just is what it is.

Bear with me @BoyfriendqwithPTSD . I am still a work in progress, and still finding my own way through this as well. I wish you all the best!

 

[TwilightDream]

I heart you @Freida

 

[Snowflakes]

@TwilightDream What an awesome post. You have helped me more than you know :hug:

 

[TwilightDream]

Thanks Mr. @Snowflakes . Glad to be of service! :hug:

 

[Deanna]

My sufferer has a therapy session on Tuesday where he had to re-live events.
Since then he has felt significantly depressed, he hasn’t been able to focus on his work, his studying.
He’s been feeling down, ‘I feel sick, I feel naseous, I feel like I want to cry, I feel really low’ ever since.

He has an exam coming up which is also triggering him, he feels immensely stressed about this. He’s also mentioned that family members have also been quite derogatory towards him at occasions. He grew up in an abusive family.

He also mentioned that he has spoken to friends recently, and they’re all happy in marriages, with money enough to buy houses, in careers they love.

He has been expressing worries about feeling like he hasn’t got it all sorted.

I don't know why he is around family members that use to abuse him and his mind frame is just too chaotic, here. He had to stop it and shut-it-down. He's still a guy so I don't think he was looking at you out of boredom as much as he was anxious about studying. Just take some time for yourself..

 

[Freida]

oh yea! and the moving thing! Hubby says as long as I have a good job to pay the rent we can move whenever I'm ready. Which I've taken him up on a couple times.

 

[Freida]

@TwilightDream me too!:hug: