Enough!

[hockeygrl17]

Most days, as of late, I feel that I don’t want to live anymore. I have no way out anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, but it seems thats the only way misery will stop. I refuse to be a punching bag for life. For everyone to just keep wasting my existence (which I have come to learn is actually quite wonderful), and to continue to be abused by those same people. I refuse! Now, before you give me the “you need to get somewhere safe, and all that bullshit- please know that A. Thats bullshit, and B. It doesn't exist- especially, and certainly not, in a F*cking hospital. I would know. But don't worry, This is more of a rant anyway.


I’ve lived with this annoying fantasy that someday things would be different if I tried hard enough. And I have! I have not stopped trying in my 29 years of life, even after my first failed attempt at suicide. At any rate, I can’t go on alone in this world. I not only cant, but I just don't want to live in a world so selfish that love, and others needs (mine included), no longer matters to anyone. This is not a cry for help. For me to do that, that would mean that I believed someone or something was capable of saving me, or changing my mind through some pretty impressive action (not words), which I do not believe exists because again, I have never had anyone give a shit enough to want to show me. I see now, that its not only that no one wants me, but that no one can want me I guess. Sadly, I do not feel this is a reflection on me at all, but a reflection of the human race as a whole. Sure, I could keep tying to move on, start over, start a new life for the umpteenth time, in search of something and someone(s) that do not exist. I just don’t want to anymore.


I don’t want keep fighting for a cause that doesn’t even exist itself outside of my head. Call it whatever you want. Tell me to take more medication, or to take better care of myself, but the error in that advice is that, those are just bandaids to a bigger problem that has never actually been treated. I don't want to live in a world where no one gives a f*ck enough to see that, and to care enough to do something about it. I think asking someone to “try harder”, by asking the weaker person, the one who never got their needs met, to make more of an effort, is complete and utter bullshit. It is not I who have failed in order for anyone to suggest that I put more effort into anything. It is this world that has failed me, and everyone else as far as I can see.


/end rant

 

[LuckyDuck]

For me the fantasy was what was doing the most damage. Any high or low was magnified due to it. After that, it was a trip down nihilism road, and then the epiphany of absurdism.

LD

 

[hockeygrl17]

Thank you for your thoughts, LuckyDuck. I appreciate it.

 

[Friday]

I suck on my own.

Other people can say blah blah blah (whatever compliments, or however they see me being awesome on my own)... But the fact of the matter is? I've been with shit partners and stellar partners and everything in between, and I am exponentially better as part of a team.

I'm more alive. I'm stronger. Faster. More resilient. Freer. More myself. More vivacious. Braver. Kinder. Less willing to deal with bullshit. More capable of dealing with bullshit. More creative. Funnier. Easier. Harder. More energetic. More relaxed. Et cetera. In a major way.

When on my own? I'm a shadow of my best self.

Part of it is that I'm not a leader. I'm a follower. Submissive? Nah. Not hardly. ((Those 2 things get mixed up an awful lot, hence the clarification.)) I am not, however, willing to follow anybody. I would rather be on my own, rather be a shadow of my best self, than follow/support someone not worthy of it.

Slight tangent for a moment. When I was about 8 or 10 years old, my grandfather taught me how to type. So I could be a secretary? Nope! Because the right secretary (modern lingo, Executive Assistant) is absolutely crucial, vital, to your own success. He wanted me to learn to type so that I'd never hire the wrong secretary, or a mediocre secretary, out of desperation, but could make do on my own until I found the right person for the job. ((Awwww. My grandfather the feminist. Who believed I would be hiring my own secretary, rather than being one just because I'm a girl :inlove: ))

Until I got divorced, I'd never really spent much time on my own. At most a few weeks, maybe a month here and there but that was rare. I've dated dozens and dozens of men. Some short term, some long term, but I was always always always either dating someone, or would be in a minute.

When I got divorced I decided to learn how to be on my own. I wasn't lonely, I'd gotten over "lonely" whilst married. ((Better lonely than in bad company, to begin with... And then later learning to really enjoy time on my own. Being alone isn't what makes lonely. )) What I was? Was really sucky at it. :wtf: Well, Is never really spent time alone, so that's to be expected, right? Okay. Fine. This just needs practice, then! Snort. No. Not really. It took me a few years on my own to parse out why I suck at being alone; because I'm a shadow of my best self.

That, in and of itself, gives me options. Because there are other ways of being part of a team than simply dating. A lot of other ways. Do they all (much less each!) scratch the itch? Nope! Some ways definitely work better than others!

So... While I started out thinking that all I needed was practice -to learn how to kick ass being on my own- what I have come to learn about myself is that these years on my own? Have taught me to type. How to "make do" until I can find the right person for the job.

Which is my suggestion to you if being alone is your problem: Whether all you need to do is learn how to be on your own (and then like most people seriously kick ass at it), or -like me- learn how to make do until you can find the right person? Both are invaluable.

If being lonely is your problem? That's a whole different thing, and has virtually nothing to do with being alone. A person can be perfectly happy alone, and desperately lonely in a crowd. If your problem is lonely? That's learning how to enjoy yourself. Literally. Enjoy being with yourself, enjoy activities with yourself. Etc.

Neither is an easy task.

Both are doable. Either learning how to kick ass on your own or learning to make do on your own, so you're not desperate... AND conquering loneliness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I get it. Not to mention I've been an abuse magnet. This @hockeygrl17 :

..I just don't want to live in a world so selfish that love, and others needs (mine included), no longer matters to anyone.

is so true, no one does when they deal with abuse, & too frequently thinking of their history, or living with ptsd.

I don’t want keep fighting for a cause that doesn’t even exist itself outside of my head.

I think if it exists in your head it exists in others. Not perhaps the others you've known, but yes others who do understand, appreciate, value. Who don't abuse or hurt or use or terrorize other people.

If you are like me, it will help to get out of the-more-likely-to-be-abused-zone & something better will fall in to place. Will someone save you? Well, I suppose you could say no, you have to get out of the zone first. And I could say yes, if they help you see you are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for, or that others have treated you as. :( Our thoughts about ourselves (or the future) are usually pretty grim.

Thank you for a very brave post. :hug:

 

[hockeygrl17]

Friday, I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to offer such wonderful advice.

 

[hockeygrl17]

JuneBug, Thank you so much for your caring reply and advice as well.

 

[hockeygrl17]

Friday, I re-read this today. It has been very very tough lately. What I want to know is what you mean by "team"? I only have one friend here in the state that I live in. I am separating from my husband, and while i have spent the majority of my life alone, I am terrible at it. Where can I start? I love myself, I think I am one in a million. It just gets hard when few to no-one see's past my sensitivity. I am usually just written off as crazy (I am not). I am moving to my own place in 3 weeks. I essentially hit rock bottom today as I purchased moving boxes. Its like I'm regressing back to being alone (the feelings of abandonment creep in). I want to be there for myself since no one else wants to help (and of course I want to be there for me because i deserve that). What can I do? I don't feel very strong right now, but I deserve to fight for myself, even if no one else see's me as a worth cause. I know I am.

 

[Friday]

Team... Meaning both straight up "team", as well as partnership, romantic or platonic.

The kind of team that helps scratch the itch, even if it doesn't fulfill the whole of the desire? Anything where I'm working in tandem with someone or something.

- Sports... Literally team sports. :) Including group-individual sports, like martial arts, where you meet up and practice together as a group. Something really important here, Ibe found, is that spectating doesn't work, at all, to fill this need. Spectating is super-fun, but it's not a co-operative effort... Not in the same way that running a ball down a field is, or taking each stroke together in crew, or etc.
- Arts... Drama, music, dance, etc. Anything co-op.
- Non-Human... Horseback riding, dogs, etc.

One of the nice things about all of these? ^^^ You don't have to know anyone. You get to know your teammates, but you're assembled together by virtue of all of you wanting to be there. That's your common interest off the bat, and then people vary like crazy beyond that. Some might become friends, others not so much. But from day 1 ... 3-5 days a week on average... You're there, and working together towards a common goal. Lol. Sometimes literally.

The more of these sorts of things I can slot into my life? The less aching void. Takes a little bit of balancing act managing social & stress, but it's very worth it.